Sometimes I am afraid of subjecting myself to ecclesiastical hierarchy, which is one of my hesitations towards my discernment of priestly vocation. I shall bring this to my spiritual director in my next meeting, but I would also like to listen to your opinion.
I come from a non-religious and slightly-anti-Catholic family. My parents always consider priests and nuns to be insane and hypocritical pedophiles, rapists, whatever you call them. Obviously my mother in particular regards priesthood as the abandonment of family duties and betrayal. And it is against human nature not to marry or have sex.
This attitude percolated into my mind implicitly. I am now 22, and when I was granted religious freedom to become a Catholic at the age of twelve, I would consciously avoid any conversation with the religious. I still remember back then an Italian secular priest sitting next to me after a daily Mass asking me how I learnt to kneel before the Eucharist, and my instinctive reaction was staying away from him. A pious Catholic lady brought along a seminarian to my parish and they wanted to sit with me, but I declined and instead sat alone.
Thus, while pondering on the possibility of becoming a priest or religious, I would inevitable think if it were really too foolish to give up my secular career to ‘subjugate’ myself under ‘evil church leaders’ - what if one day I really become a priest and yet my totalitarian superiors are plagued by clericalism? What if there is a lot of hidden ‘dark sides’ and politics within the church organisation? Not that there is no such thing in the secular world, but at least I can switch my job or my pains would be reimbursed by my salary, whereas in the church I have nothing.
What if I become a bad priest who fails to deliver the joy of Gospel? I always pray frankly to Jesus that if I would become a priest who brings scandal to the Church, better kill me now or at least withdraw his calling - our Church needs more saints but not sinners; our Church has had enough sexual abuses and politics and cannot afford to have more.