Closing the door


#1

Not sure if people still remember me. Have not posted here in a long time. Anyway my ex cheated with a much younger girl, got her pregnant, moved out of the house, divorced me and went to live with her. That was 4 years ago.After been married for 10yrs and been together 5 years. All this time I have been on my own. Had issues with the church and left and went to a Born Again Christian Church. Now I am back in the Catholic Church did not have a choice the kids wanted to attend classes to make their first holy communion so I had to go back.

Anyway last year about August 2009 my ex came back to apologise as he and the Young lady broke up. He needed a place to stay so as he was the father of my kids and doing the christian thing I allowed him to come back. During that time he did not make much contribution due to the fact that the Young lady had finished him financially. I gave the relationship the benefit of the doubt. I asked him did he want to go for Counselling or to go to Retrouvaille he avoided those subjects. So I assumed you were not ready. In the mean time what he was doing was saving his money. Leaving me to pay all the bills in the house the only contribution he made was to buy food. Either than that he never contributed for the electricity or towards Satelite Television. It just so happened that after fighting for 4 years over the house he finally signed it over last year. So the house was registered in my name. I was able to fix it up and make it a home. He made no contribution towards these renovations. Then he was hinting that we should sell the house. In this day and age houses are not easy to sell or buy. And also the fact that his name is black listed becoz he cannot pay his debts. But as time went by things were not going right. He was keeping secrets from me. So I did something that we women should never ever do I looked through his phone and found out he was still communicating with the young lady and supporting her financially. After she left him for another married man and broke up another home. He was still paying her medical bills even though they were not together. That was the last straw for me and I had a break down some months ago and ended up in hospital.

Now I am at a point in my life whereby I want to have nothing to do with him. He pitched up at my home 2 weeks ago and was harrassing me and giving me a hard time. He did not want me he did not want the relationship now that I am moving on with my life he cannot handle. Is that fair that becoz we were married that I should tolerate his behaviour. Is it wrong of me to want to close the door on him and move on with my life alone without anybody. For the past 4 years I have lived alone with my 2 kids and never been with anybody. There have been lots of guys interested but I do not want to go down that road again. He had his chance and he blew it so many times. For the past 4 years I cannot even receive communion in church. As I felt becoz I was divorced I was not allowed to receive. Should your ex husband who has never wanted you hold you to ransom becoz his life never worked out the way that he wanted. Now that he is all alone with nothing no money, no house, no young girlfriend on his arm should I be made to suffer.


#2

He's fortunate you didn't put a bullet in his chest for all he has done to you. He's emotionally, financially and spiritually destructive. I think it would be immoral of you to reconcile with someone like this. Forgive? Yes. Get back together? Heck no.

Now if you, for instance, married someone else without obtaining an annulment, then yes you should have to stay away from Communion. But since you haven't, you shouldn't worry about something like that. Participate fully in Mass and God be with you.


#3

The only reason you should not be receiving Eucharist is if you are in a state of mortal sin. Being divorced does not qualify. (If you were to be involved intimately with someone outside of marriage, or to marry someone else outside the Church then it would be a mortal sin, but this doesn't seem to be the case.)

IMHO-
Is it wrong to feel that you are being taken advantage of and that you DON'T want to be taken advantage of? No. Yes, we are supposed to bear all crosses with faith and humility, but I don't believe we need to put ourselves in situations that cause crosses to bear. Tell your ex that he needs to leave, that he may visit the children at "x" time or "x" weekend, that you will pray for him. But keep yourself together first.

I am glad that you have come back to the Church. Make an appointment to talk to your priest; he will be much better to discern what advice to give than random people on a forum. I really do wish you the best of luck and I will be praying for you as well.


#4

I am not the most qualified person to be answering your questions so my first suggestion would be to go speak to a priest you can trust, as soon as possible.

I am really sorry that all of this is happening in your life. Your husband unfortunately cannot see the terrible damage he is placing on you and your children.

But no, I don’t think you did the Christian thing by letting him back in so suddenly :o
Christians love and forgive their “enemies,” but they do not let people treat them like doormats. Especially when children are involved.

Your husband has incurred his own suffering upon himself, sadly. I don’t understand why he would behave in such a way but if he isn’t interested in counseling or making an effort to change, you may have to just “shake the dust from your feet” as it says in scripture.

Take back your life and hand it over to God. If you need to for any reason, go to confession and then take heart in knowing you CAN receive communion as long as you behave chastely according to your vocation in life. You are not culpable for your husband sins.

But AGAIN, I am not the best person to be giving out advice. Please go speak to a priest, and perhaps a lawyer and a counselor. God bless you. I will be praying for you and your family.


#5

I will pray for you. I can’t really comment but to say if it were me I’d get some kind of restraining order against him. Especially if he’s harassing you. That’s against the law. :shrug: He sounds like the classic abuser/controller type. :rolleyes:


#6

I hope you slam that door hard the next time you kick him out, and get a lawyer, and a peace order against him. Nowhere in the bible does it say doing the Christian thing means asking for abuse, or forgiving someone who is unrepentent, or printing “kick me” on your forehead.


#7

Dear Friend:

Of course you can still receive communion! You are loved, and blessed, you and me both! Forgive me as I did not read the whole thread. But your main point. Your hubby made his choice. Go on! I am trying to do the same, but it is soooo hard.
Goodness your story is a difficult one for sure. I think you tried all you could.

Try to let it go, let him go. He made his choice. Just as I am still in this boat, but I have no way of supporting myself. Maybe you do. If you do, I say, fly with the wind and let God guide your sails. A Godly woman is not meant to go under with an unGodly man pulling her under. This is the case for me. My UnGodly, adulterous man is pulling me under the waves and I flounder to escape.

God bless You.


#8

I now read your post. How sad.

I would go on if I could, dear lady friend, and pray. Your loser hubby made his bad choice. Now you make your good one.

Your h made his choice, just like mine did too.

I was way tooo late to respond. It’s been 2 years now and I was floundering around not knowing what to do, where to turn, God will provide for you too.


#9

i understand what u r feeling becos i was there 3 years ago.. my ex-husband decided he wasnt having enough fun with me and left and divorced me under the influence of his friends and family.. later on when he found out the grass was not so green on the other side, he wanted to come back. but i did not allow him to.. becos he is the classic narcissist and had been emotionally/mentally abusing me the whole time that we were together..
remember, the Bible allows for divorce under two situations: adultery and abandonment.. you need to RUN! Forgive but do not EVER EVER forget what he did to you!
Like they say, once a cheater ALWAYS a CHEATER!!

STAY SAFE, my friend


#10

[quote="RobaynneM, post:1, topic:199458"]
Now that he is all alone with nothing no money, no house, no young girlfriend on his arm should I be made to suffer.

[/quote]

He made his own bed. You have no reason to take him back, so don't. Change the locks, and put a big dog in the front yard. :)


#11

When he cheated on you with another woman he made the decision what family he wanted, and it wasn’t the one he had with you.

Keep in out of our life. Should your children choose to know their father later on, then make arrangements. But as for a relationship with you, never again.

As for the sacraments - you will need to go to confession if you have not been recently. Even if there is no mortal sin, there is still grace there, and it would be a good thing to go to make sure you are truly in a state of grace before returning to Holy Communion.

Divorce does not prevent people from receiving Holy Communion - it is how they choose to live AFTER divorce that determines this. If you are not in a relationship, and you are living as if you are still married (which you are) (no dating, no intimacy) then you may still receive Jesus in the Eucharist. I hope that doing so will help you find some peace in your life.

God bless,
~Liza


#12

Thanx all for your responses I really appreciate it.

Now I can finally close the door. I waited, prayed and hope that things would work out not for my sake but for the kids. I did not want them to grow up in a single parent family. But I gave it my all and still that was never good enough. Now I am done, finished am not going to do this anymore.

I kept asking him what are we going to do and he kept avoiding the subject. I kept saying to him if he continues like this eventually I am going to get fedup. And I did he was just using me. He never got over the Young Girl that is why we could never move on. He kept waiting for her to decide she wanted to be with him and came running back to him. But she had no plans to she sucked him dry financially and he could not even get a loan or open any account as his name is so badly black listed.

But thanx again all. I am going to make a plan to see the priest as soon as I can.


#13

DEFINITELY CLOSE THE DOOR… Once a cheater always a Cheater! It would be best for you to heal spiritually and focus your attention on yourself and on raising your kids. It’s better to be single than to be in bad company for the rest of your life. Ask God for help and guidance…


#14

Why do you think you cannot receive communion? Your husband abandoned you for another woman. Divorce in itself is not wrong (even encouraged in cases like yours), it’s remarriage without first getting an annulment from the Church that’s wrong. It’s worth for you to apply for the annulment, as it very well could be there was a defect at the time the vows were made that prevented the sacrament.

Don’t let him into your house.


#15

Closing the Door? Heck girl Slam that door! It is not Wrong!
The man cheated on you, started another family with a women Outside of your marriage....that is Adultry. Adultry is when a mate sleeps with someone else outside of the Marriage. This man is a liar, cheater and user.

If he's not out of your house already, pack his things, put them outside and tell him to go. I'm sure he's got "friends or family" that can help him out, it's not up to you to help (enable) him.

The other's have already advised you on the Communion Part. Take their advice.


#16

[quote="RobaynneM, post:12, topic:199458"]
Thanx all for your responses I really appreciate it.

Now I can finally close the door. I waited, prayed and hope that things would work out not for my sake but for the kids. I did not want them to grow up in a single parent family. But I gave it my all and still that was never good enough. Now I am done, finished am not going to do this anymore.

I kept asking him what are we going to do and he kept avoiding the subject. I kept saying to him if he continues like this eventually I am going to get fedup. And I did he was just using me. He never got over the Young Girl that is why we could never move on. He kept waiting for her to decide she wanted to be with him and came running back to him. But she had no plans to she sucked him dry financially and he could not even get a loan or open any account as his name is so badly black listed.

But thanx again all. I am going to make a plan to see the priest as soon as I can.

[/quote]

It is time to close that door and put all of this behind you. Don't let him ruin you financially too, you have kids and a good future ahead of you. :blessyou:


#17

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