I am not sure if this is the right place to post this question. I have a co-worker who is getting married in a few months. A few days ago I was looking at the local map of sexual predators in my area and found her fiancés name. I don’t know what to do. I am pretty sure that she doesn’t know he is ultra conservative and I think this would be a deal breaker for her. I think this because they have been dating for about 10 years and according to her done nothing more then hold hands, and they don’t go on alone dates. I am so torn I want to tell her, I would want to know, but I don’t feel like I know her that well. Any suggestions???
A lot of times those “predator” sites are a little overhyped.
You can easily get on the list if you are 18 in high school dating a 17 year old and her dad doesn’t like it. So sometimes the term of “predator” is completely inaccurate.
Also, are you sure it’s HIM? How do you know it’s not someone else with the same name? (is it a common name?)
No… I wouldn’t mention this to your co-worker. If she’s been dating this guy for 10 years then she’s old enough to make these decisions on her own.
I would tell her because I know if it was me, I would want to know. That way she can do her own research to find out if it is really him or not, and confront him if it is. Who wants to be in the dark with that? Even if it’s not him, at least she would have the chance to find out. JUST MY OPINION ON THIS.
This is serious stuff. More often than not, the names are on there for good reason. I certainly wouldn’t dismiss it outright like that. What if they get married and have kids? I’d like to think that she’d want to know that kind of information, if only for the sake of their future children.
She may have made her decision without that piece of crucial information. I understand that this is a tricky situation, but I still tend to think that she deserves to know this. Everything’s hunky-dory if it turns out to be a mistake, but the possible consequences are too grave to simply write it off, in my opinion.
Perhaps you could approach the subject with her casually treating her as if she already knew?
You could say something like “I am sorry to hear your fiance is still on the website…I hope this does not impact your future together or his career. I will keep you both in my prayers and wish you the best”
This way if she already knows, you will come across as a caring friend. If she doesn’t know, you will have done her a great service. Hope this helps.
That, in my opinion, is not a good idea. If you want to send a message you need to be extremely discreet about it. I would suggest setting up an anonymous email address and then send her an email with a link to the website. That way, there’s no way for said person to know who it was who sent her the info.
I agree. If she were just a friend, then the other approach would be fine. But she’s also a coworker, so I would prefer the anonymous approach in this case.
How can she make a decision if she doesn’t know?
And while she may have been dating him, I’m sure he has other secrets.
I would point her (the co-worker) to the site, and then leave it alone. I wouldn’t tell her ‘I saw your fiance on there’ or anything to point her to HIM… but I would point out to her ‘it’s amazing the people that I knew that have their names on here’, or something else to get her to LOOK FOR HERSELF.
That’s my suggestion. I wouldn’t let her walk into a marriage with a chance of being blindsided by something like this.
(10 years of dating? That alone would have been a huge flag for me)
I agree that the anonymous approach is your best bet. I’d also say that I 100% support telling her. Make sure you found him on a nationally reputable site, though, like: www.familywatchdog.us/ which is reputable and doesn’t just state that someone is a sex offender—it also states the general nature of the offense which can help her make any decisions.
Also, the website I recommended has photos, so it should be easier to prevent a mixup that way…
I am sure it is him name and address match
Thanks this isn’t the site I was using, more info on this one.
Show it to her - privately, but show it to her.
Anonymously sending it to her is like wrapping a scorpion up and mailing it to her with no return address. She may know, but, if she does NOT know - this could devistate her. She needs someone around when she finds out.
Be a caring loving person, show her.
I can’t do it anonymously, I want her to know that I am telling her because I care. I also CAN’T do it at work so I have to find someplace else to tell her. I am thinking about e-mail her pastor and telling him and seeing what his thoughts are.
My suggestion is, whatever you do, please try to keep it as discreet as possible. I really don’t recommend bringing a third party into this, even if it’s her pastor; if she felt she needed to speak to her pastor, leave it to her to do it of her own volition. If she’s a good friend, and you value her friendship over what this could do to your working relationship, then by all means, tell her in person; otherwise, I would still recommend the anonymous approach, as this could very well turn into much awkwardness and drama at work.
If she is Catholic, calling her Pastor is a good idea - Priests know how to keep things confidential.
If she hs not Catholic, I’d not involve her Pastor. She may want to quietly break off the engagement and avoid public humiliation - and from MY experience, Protestant pastors are not skilled in keeping things in confidence. He may be well intentioned, but, tell others.
Can you print out the pages from the computer? That way, you and she can go for coffee and talk.
What about offering to take her out for coffee after work? You could bring a printout from the website…
kage_ar–we think alike…
I agree–don’t bring a third party into this. If this IS something she knows about (which I doubt, but if it is), then she doesn’t want it broadcast.
No she is not Catholic, I wont involve her pastor then. Thanks for all suggestions. I will print the information and see if she will go get coffee with me.
I went thru something similar - I recognized a guy on America’s Most Wanted that a friend of mine had dated in the past. She had already moved on relationshipwise, but I wanted her to know should he try to get in touch with her, etc. I called her and said basically, “The strangest thing, I was watching tv and there was a commerical for America’s Most Wanted. It was really quick, but I think it looked like so-and-so was on it. You may want to watch it this weekend. I love you and thought you may want a heads up.” I turned out it was him. Fortunately, he was wanted for more white collar crimes, not anything physical or threatening. (If that can be listed as “fortunately”.) I especially wanted her to know because he had visited at her church, she had introduced him to everyone she knew, etc. It gave her a chance to give her side of the story when it broke off. She still got a visit from the FBI, but that’s another story.
I would tell her discreetly. One of two things will happen - she’ll confront him and break it off. Or, if she already knows, she will avoid you at work because she is embarassed that someone knows he is on that site. You can do it!