Co-worker getting married?

Perhaps I was not clear…I did think it was a good idea to remain discreet, but discreet does not equal anonymous. What I suggested should be said privately with no one else to hear but I do still think the original poster should say it in person.

I am not an advocate of anonymous emails or letters. If someone sent me something horrible about my husband in an anonymous envelope or email…my first thought would be to think it was an ex-girlfriend being nasty and I would be suspicious of it’s validity. However, if someone came up to me and said “sorry to hear…(blank)…I will pray for you” I think that would be charitable.

If this poor woman gets an anonymous letter she will wonder her entire life who sent it which I don’t think is nice. The anonymous approach is nice for the original poster of course…but the recipient will wonder who is digging into her business and she will always wonder…talk about paranoia! Let’s face it, there really is no easy way to approach this situation.

I would suggest checking with your local sheriff’s department. Because of Megan’s Law, the sheriff’s department where I live keeps a list of all sexual offenders on a website. It gives their picture and mentions specifically what their crimes were (e.g. rape, unlawful sexual conduct with a minor, gross sexual imposition, etc.). The sheriff’s department would be reliable, as only someone actually convicted of a crime would be on the website.

Definitely the best idea so far. But I would certainly tell someone if they were a friend of mine. Who knows what kind of person he is? You wouldn’t want her to have a miserable life.:frowning:

This in and of itself seems really strange.

And another thing:

Supposing… and this is possible… you are wrong.

She’ll be upset with you. Probably stop speaking to you. But she’ll know that you were there FOR HER when she needed you most.

Now, supposing… and this is more likely… you are right.

She’ll be upset with you. Possibly stop speaking to you (for a whlie). But she’ll know you were thre FOR HER when she needed you most.

Either way it goes, which would you rather? That she’s upset with you, because you cared, and acted, or that she’s not around to be upset with you, because while you may have cared, you didn’t act?

My vote is that you do something. You tell her. Discreetly. And with compassion. And please be there after it’s all over.

People care so much more about what others think of them than right / wrong.

Why not approach her with a benefit of the doubt?

Say something such as “Hey, I was researching such and such for my project and I saw the weirdest thing! XXX is on this website!”

That way, if she is aware of it, she has the option to take it as an accident in front of you, instead of having to admit he did something or feeling up against a wall. And if she didn’t know, now she does!

Yes I think so too

If it truly is the same person as on the website, she needs to be told, somewhere, somehow. If it was a whirlwind short courtship or this 10 year dirge, that would raise some serious red flags.

He could be one of those creepy uber-controlling types.

You are in a very rough spot and I will pray for you.

What I meant is to verify the results with the sheriff’s department, since they would have accurate information as to whether or not he really did the crime and then inform her. Other websites may not be accurate, but the sheriff’s department would have information that can be trusted.

I don’t know about every other state but in our town in Illinois, a guy that I went to school with is on the list because he was drunk and peeing in public. Indecent exposure = sexual deviant.

I would definitely do/say something to her but hopefully it turns out to be nothing.

How long do they keep people on those lists anyway?

I have verified it on our state’s police site and a few others. I am going to try and talk with her tomorrow

I’m glad you are thinking of telling her in person rather than anonymously. It would probably upset her to receive an anonymous message saying this and never find out who knows this about her fiance, regardless if it turns out it was not anything serious and she knew it, or it was something serious and she didn’t (or any other combination).

I also second the idea of not telling her pastor, nor anyone else for that matter. I would just mention it when you two are alone, and as kindly as possible, without making a fuss or “sounding gossipy”. You can say something like you were searching the sexual predators of the area for your own info and saw his name, and although you aren’t familiar with all the reasons people end up on the list and it may be just because of something not that serious (in case she knew it and it wasn’t anything bad) but that you thought she should know he is on the list just in case she wasn’t aware.
BTW, I have searched the ones in my area and they did kind of explain what they did wrong in some cases. If you have that information you should give it to her too, even if it is serious (or especially if it is serious).

If you talked to her I hope it went okay.

Catholic 79, I just saw your question in the Ask An Apologetic thread. I have been following this thread and hoping all is good with you and your friend…

Personally, I am not a fan of those sexual predator websites ( we don’t have them in Canada ) because of the possible vigil antism, but I know they also serve their purpose…

How did it go?

We weren’t able to talk Friday and I decided to use the Ask An Apologetic and I talked with my priest over the weekend and although they had different methods of telling her they both said to tell her.

Well I talked with her, she said she did know and that she had looked into it. She thanked me for my concern and that was that. Much much much better then I had imagined. Thank you to all who shared advice.

Good, I am glad it went well. You have done your duty, the rest is up to her.

Good job!!! :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

You’re a good friend to her. She may need you even more in the future; be available it she feels the need to talk, either before or after the wedding, because this all sounds really creepy to me. The whole situation (sexual predator, 10 years dating with nothing more than hand-holding…) just sounds like an odd situation. He could be attracted only to children, same sex…who knows? Is she particularly naive? I think there could well be much more here than meets the eye.

Again, you have certainly done your good deed!

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