Coming to a view of a more loving God


I have long had the sense that God is sort of laying in wait, waiting for me to make a mistake so He can pounce and get me back good, and tell me it’s because of that mistake I just made. I know this is not the God of the Bible, and I’ve long wondered where I got this idea.

Recently, I’ve been putting together pieces, and realized it comes from 30+ years of my father and husband behaving the same way. They are both described to a T in books on verbal and emotional abuse-- withholding any positives, ignoring, blaming, blaming, and more blaming, playing word games. My husband has spent years acting as if I’m crazy, when it turns out the truth was that he had all kinds of secrets on the side he didn’t want me to find out. He and his family do hurtful things, and even if it takes me 15 years to finally react and get mad, they then actually tell me, “SEE! THAT’S why we did that.” (Never mind they were doing it for years before I did whatever they’re now using as their excuse.)

I am leaving for Medjugorje soon. At this point, I have absolutely no hope for my marriage. (In addition to the lies, gaslighting, and many other issues, he’s had multiple and long term secret ‘friends’ and doesn’t really feel he should have to address that other than to say, “Well, I quit, so what’s the problem now?”) After praying for this marriage for 20 years, and the only change I ever see is to find out it’s even worse than I knew, I am leaving for Medjugorje completely devoid of hope, and I have this horrible feeling that not only is my marriage going to fall apart, but when I meet God He’s going to tell me it’s my fault because I didn’t have faith. I feel as if He’s dangling a good marriage always just a few feet in front of my face, seeing how long I’ll keep hoping, and waiting to blame me when I finally have enough of the game and quit.

I KNOW intellectually that this is not God. But how do I stop feeling it is, stop seeing God as a reflection of my husband and father?


Have faith that this is not God.

Dear friend, sit in quiet contemplation with the Lord in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. Contemplate in His most sacred presence the love that He has for us, and know that He gave Himself for you and all of us.

Know that He is not at all very far from us, and ask Him to heal your heart, always remembering that such things may take time but also that He has only to say the word, and you shall be healed. Sacramentally confess yourself, and seek the reception of the Eucharist to heal your heart. Invite Christ in to your body, spiritually and physically, to make you whole again.

Pray to Mary, our Mother, and ask for her intercessions. Ask her to take your petitions to the Lord, and that the strength that God had given her while her own heart was pierced with sorrow might also be given to you from God.

Christ my King, Lord of our hearts and minds, we come to You in thanksgiving for the goodness which You have worked in our lives, and the unceasing mercy You have shown us.

We humbly ask that day by day that You, in Your time, heal our dear friend who is in most need of Your love. Remind her, my Lord, of the depth and vastness of the perfect love which You have for her, and heal the wounds that have afflicted her heart. Give her heart eyes to see that You love her, and are awaiting her to accept this gift in to her heart.

We ask these things in Your most holy name. Amen.


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