I have long had the sense that God is sort of laying in wait, waiting for me to make a mistake so He can pounce and get me back good, and tell me it’s because of that mistake I just made. I know this is not the God of the Bible, and I’ve long wondered where I got this idea.
Recently, I’ve been putting together pieces, and realized it comes from 30+ years of my father and husband behaving the same way. They are both described to a T in books on verbal and emotional abuse-- withholding any positives, ignoring, blaming, blaming, and more blaming, playing word games. My husband has spent years acting as if I’m crazy, when it turns out the truth was that he had all kinds of secrets on the side he didn’t want me to find out. He and his family do hurtful things, and even if it takes me 15 years to finally react and get mad, they then actually tell me, “SEE! THAT’S why we did that.” (Never mind they were doing it for years before I did whatever they’re now using as their excuse.)
I am leaving for Medjugorje soon. At this point, I have absolutely no hope for my marriage. (In addition to the lies, gaslighting, and many other issues, he’s had multiple and long term secret ‘friends’ and doesn’t really feel he should have to address that other than to say, “Well, I quit, so what’s the problem now?”) After praying for this marriage for 20 years, and the only change I ever see is to find out it’s even worse than I knew, I am leaving for Medjugorje completely devoid of hope, and I have this horrible feeling that not only is my marriage going to fall apart, but when I meet God He’s going to tell me it’s my fault because I didn’t have faith. I feel as if He’s dangling a good marriage always just a few feet in front of my face, seeing how long I’ll keep hoping, and waiting to blame me when I finally have enough of the game and quit.
I KNOW intellectually that this is not God. But how do I stop feeling it is, stop seeing God as a reflection of my husband and father?