Coming to an end-Why am I sad?


#1

Well a couple of nights ago my husband and I finally talked about ending this marriage. He wouldn’t come right out and say it…so I said it for him. He wanted to know what we were going to do, that I wasn’t happy, he wasn’t happy and he asked me if I thought we could make our children happy…and I said no. I told him he was right and that we had nothing left…there was nothing hear anymore. We argued a littel bit, pointed fingers and brought out every negative thing about each other. We finally calmed down and started talking about how we were going to do things, and stuff about the house etc. Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep, even though I knew this was coming and I was ready for it…or at least thought I was ready, I felt an overwhelming sadness. He got up and went to work the next day.

I was coming home from taking the baby to a doctor’s visit and he had just gotten home, it was really early so I assumed he had come home that early to pick up his stuff and leave…but he didn’t. I came in started fixing some lunch and asked him if he was hungry, he said no and then proceeded to tell me that he had quit his job. I was stunned, and asked what happened. He started telling me about the situation…he had been having problems with some people since he started 4 years ago…he finally got fed up and quit. He looked sad, tired and really frustrated with what was going on at work. I could empathize, I know what it’s like to work in a hostile environment and it sucks. He then proceeded downstairs to do some woodwork and then went to HomeDepot for more supplies, certainly not the actions of someone who is ready to leave…I think. He didn’t bring up the separation again…I didn’t bring it up because I figured one thing to stress about is enough…one thing at a time.

What I don’t understand is why I feel so sad, when he was telling me about what was going on at work I had this overwhelming feeling of sympathy for him come over me. I try to be hard and not care…but for some reason I do. I just wished I could make things better for him at work, that he could feel better, I wanted to make things better for him…despite everything he’s done and how much he’s hurt me I want him to be okay. Isn’t that wierd? I feel sad about divorcing even though I know it’s the best thing for all of us, but I feel sad, very sad even though I knew it was coming. I get angry that things didn’t work out, I ask myself what went wrong and why. These must be normal feelings for all who are going through this, I think about what could of been, of the man I thought I married of the illusion of the family I wanted to have of the life I wanted to have with this man. Does anyone understand what I’m saying, and how do I feel better?


#2

I think God’s telling you to work on the marriage.

You probably don’t want to hear this, but happiness is not our goal in life…at least not the kind of happiness that comes from good things, I suppose I should say.

Read Matthew 5:3-11…it’s the beatitudes…
…poor in spirit…
…gentle…
…hunger & thirst for righteousness…
…merciful…
…pure of heart…
…peacemakers…
…persecuted for the sake of righteousness…

THIS is where true happiness comes from, Jesus spelled it out very clearly for us.

Does any of that sound ‘happy’?

Where is God in your marriage?
Where did you two come to expect ‘happiness’ without courage, effort, struggle?

Your husband truly is despondent, not only is he quitting on his marriage, but he just quit his job…will he quit on life next?

You feel the way you feel because you love him and you see his pain and you, by God’s design - made in His image, are drawn to help heal this man.

This, is your call from God, as per your marriage covenant with your husband and God the day you were wed.

You’re sad because you are not doing the right thing by giving up on this man, on this marriage, on your children. If there’s anything to be given up - give up on whatever the behaviors are which the two of you engage in which is destroying your bond. The chains to be broken aren’t from the marriage, it’s from misplaced expectations…break those.

I will keep you in my prayers tonight. Do not give up. Bring God into your marriage ASAP.


#3

given what you have said in other posts, if you were my daughter and he were my son-in-law, I would give my opinion that your husband may be in a major depression and needs medical help and counselling. we will pray for you both.


#4

I’m sure many on this forum have read my previous posts, I’ve tried to keep this marriage together. I can’t do this by myself, if he doesn’t want to be here I can’t force him. He has continued with his multiple affairs, drinking, gambling and not coming home for days. What I want most of all is to not damage my children and if they see their father engaged in this behavior it will scar them, I want to raise healthy children as healthy as possible anyway. I have God in my life, and after this experience I have become so much closer to Him, but my husband wants nothing to do with God. He’s not catholic, but he was raised a christian, but he has no room for our Lord in his life. I can’t force him to do anything, and my expectations aren’t high, all I want is some respect. Respect for the marriage, respect for the family, that’s all.


#5

[quote=Lexee15] What I want most of all is to not damage my children and if they see their father engaged in this behavior it will scar them, I want to raise healthy children as healthy as possible anyway.
[/quote]

True, but not having a father will scar them, too. Your husband seems to have reached a new low, and sad though it may be, it is often in the lowest lows in our lives that we become open to God.


#6

[quote=Lexee15]Well a couple of nights ago my husband and I finally talked about ending this marriage. He wouldn’t come right out and say it…so I said it for him. He wanted to know what we were going to do, that I wasn’t happy, he wasn’t happy and he asked me if I thought we could make our children happy…and I said no. I told him he was right and that we had nothing left…there was nothing hear anymore. We argued a littel bit, pointed fingers and brought out every negative thing about each other. We finally calmed down and started talking about how we were going to do things, and stuff about the house etc. Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep, even though I knew this was coming and I was ready for it…or at least thought I was ready, I felt an overwhelming sadness. He got up and went to work the next day.

I was coming home from taking the baby to a doctor’s visit and he had just gotten home, it was really early so I assumed he had come home that early to pick up his stuff and leave…but he didn’t. I came in started fixing some lunch and asked him if he was hungry, he said no and then proceeded to tell me that he had quit his job. I was stunned, and asked what happened. He started telling me about the situation…he had been having problems with some people since he started 4 years ago…he finally got fed up and quit. He looked sad, tired and really frustrated with what was going on at work. I could empathize, I know what it’s like to work in a hostile environment and it sucks. He then proceeded downstairs to do some woodwork and then went to HomeDepot for more supplies, certainly not the actions of someone who is ready to leave…I think. He didn’t bring up the separation again…I didn’t bring it up because I figured one thing to stress about is enough…one thing at a time.

What I don’t understand is why I feel so sad, when he was telling me about what was going on at work I had this overwhelming feeling of sympathy for him come over me. I try to be hard and not care…but for some reason I do. I just wished I could make things better for him at work, that he could feel better, I wanted to make things better for him…despite everything he’s done and how much he’s hurt me I want him to be okay. Isn’t that wierd? I feel sad about divorcing even though I know it’s the best thing for all of us, but I feel sad, very sad even though I knew it was coming. I get angry that things didn’t work out, I ask myself what went wrong and why. These must be normal feelings for all who are going through this, I think about what could of been, of the man I thought I married of the illusion of the family I wanted to have of the life I wanted to have with this man. Does anyone understand what I’m saying, and how do I feel better?
[/quote]

I understand every little thing you said…our circumstances of life have not been the same…but I understand every little thing you said…and my heart is filled with tears and I am crying right now because I know how sad you are…and how you feel. I know that you want him to be ok and you wish things were and had been different. And I have read all your posts and I wish, right now, that I could wave a magic wand and make things all better for you. I can’t. But I will keep you in my prayers tonight while I am at Mass. I will keep him in my prayers as well. Know, please, that Our Lady is with you and she knows the sorrow in your heart. She has known sorrow too, and she will comfort you, pray for you and with you…turn to her with all your heart and ask for her help.


#7

[quote=CatholicSam]True, but not having a father will scar them, too. Your husband seems to have reached a new low, and sad though it may be, it is often in the lowest lows in our lives that we become open to God.
[/quote]

This is the thing, he is not in a depression or the lowest of his lows, he’s going to go back to work I’m sure of it. He left as a, sort of, protest because of somethings that have been going on. The company still needs him, he brings them alot of money and they won’t risk losing him to the competition. So he knows what he’s doing, he’s trying to make a point, which I don’t blame him for but…not depression or anything of the sort.


#8

Lexee15, I understand. Completely.
My 1st husband, father of all my children was also a cheater, a gambler, a drinker, an abuser and later, a drug addict.
And yet, when he finally left (when the last child was 10 days old) and I was divorcing him, I cried - a lot.
I loved him.
And here, 38 years later, though we are both remarried, I still feel a kind of love for him.
And when he dies, if he does before me, I will cry again.
He was my first love and the father of my children.
Maybe that’s the why of it. I do not know.
I will be praying for you.


#9

Do you think maybe you’re sad over the ending of HOPE for what could have been…?

It seems like you’ve held out and held on for so long with this man. Yet his behavior has never changed. Obviously the hope has stayed alive in your heart that he will at some point lose his selfishness and be faithful to you and your babies. But perhaps you’ve finally reached a point of realizing, for yourself, that the hope you’ve carried all along is not likely to come into fruition?

By the way, just because you remove yourself and your children from this extremely unhealthy situation does not mean your little boy or the one on the way do not have a father. Someone who comes home only every once in awhile, cheats on his wife with a variety of women simultaneously, drinks to get drunk and gambles their savings away–IS NOT helping to create a healthy environment for his children. Seeing them in isolated and possibly supervised settings until his behavior becomes safer and more predictable is probably more in their best interest.

That said, the Holy Spirit does wonderous things and maybe your husband has to lose everything before he changes his ways.

However you feel, allow yourself the right to feel it. You have every right to be emotional and sad.


#10

[quote=Princess_Abby]…maybe your husband has to lose everything before he changes his ways.
[/quote]

It’s called bottoming out–and it sometimes is a necessary step before someone with addictive tendencies can start healing. I, too, am so saddened to read of your pain and sorrow especially at this time of year and given the fact you are expecting. While I’m not one to advocate burying you head in the sand in the face of real problems…maybe the empathy you feel and the gentleness you are showing this man who has disappointed you so many times is a little gift of grace at this time of crisis and a sign of God’s hand on you. May He continue to guide you and know many prayers being offered up for you.


#11

Hi Lexee,

Quite often the right thing to do is the hardest and most painful thing to do. My heart goes out to you. Of course it’s going to be a very painful process to seperate from your husband and then there will be grieving and then finally, healing. You sound like you love him but also that you know that continuing the marriage is not good for you.

You can certainly feel both things at the same time. The fact that you are willing to acknowledge this pain you feel means that you are working to find the truth for yourself. You’re not just stuffing it down and going into denial. Grief in the time of crisis is an emotionally healthy response.

I hope better days are on the horizon for you.

Hugs,
Crystal


#12

Lexee, I don’t know the background of your situation, but from reading your post I can say that I have been in the exact situation as you. My husband walked out on me leaving me with a 17 month old and a newborn after having an affair with my cousin. This was after 2 years of a hellish marriage. I won’t go into the details of everything he did to screw up our marriage, but at the point he left I was fed up and ready to be done with it. For the first time, I was mentally ready to divorce and was ready to file.

But for some reason, I kept getting a feeling that God wanted me to wait. And believe me, I DID NOT want to wait. But I did, because I knew that’s what God was telling me to do.

During that period, DH hit rock bottom. He lost everything. Me, his kids, other close family members of his…God picked him up and turned him into a completely different man! We eventually reconciled and have just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. The last 7 years have been a blessing. DH has been a changed man, committed to our marriage and our family.

I know your feeling hopeless right now, but I want you to know that it IS possible for God to turn your marriage around! Put everything in His hands and just wait. Don’t give up just yet.


#13

[quote=catsrus]Lexee15, I understand. Completely.
My 1st husband, father of all my children was also a cheater, a gambler, a drinker, an abuser and later, a drug addict.
And yet, when he finally left (when the last child was 10 days old) and I was divorcing him, I cried - a lot.
I loved him.
And here, 38 years later, though we are both remarried, I still feel a kind of love for him.
And when he dies, if he does before me, I will cry again.
He was my first love and the father of my children.
Maybe that’s the why of it. I do not know.
I will be praying for you.
[/quote]

This is one of the most honest and complete posts, sharing from the heart, experience, strength AND hope, I have read in a long time.

To try and explain the love and pain we feel when a relationship comes to an end, even when we know that the relationship is killing our spirit and hurting us, can be almost impossible.

The most important thing to remember is that we can live through the pain, we can find hope and love again, and the Christ and His mother will not leave us during this time. Hold on, honey. You are not alone.


#14

My marriage has problems, but I’ve stuck it out. Time will tell. We have a 10 year old daughter. I’ve read that divorce has negative consequences for children, more so than previously thought. A book came out on this fairly recently.


#15

[quote=Maverick]My marriage has problems, but I’ve stuck it out. Time will tell. We have a 10 year old daughter. I’ve read that divorce has negative consequences for children, more so than previously thought. A book came out on this fairly recently.
[/quote]

You are absolutely right, but Lexee has gone through more than just problems…and her marriage may be ending civilly but she is staying in the Church and looking into what is appropriate for her. This has been a long, horrid struggle for her and we have walked it with her. Let’s just keep her in our prayers. This is not going to be fun.


#16

[quote=LSK]You are absolutely right, but Lexee has gone through more than just problems…and her marriage may be ending civilly but she is staying in the Church and looking into what is appropriate for her. This has been a long, horrid struggle for her and we have walked it with her. Let’s just keep her in our prayers. This is not going to be fun.
[/quote]

OK point well taken.


#17

[quote=masondoggy]Lexee, I don’t know the background of your situation, but from reading your post I can say that I have been in the exact situation as you. My husband walked out on me leaving me with a 17 month old and a newborn after having an affair with my cousin. This was after 2 years of a hellish marriage. I won’t go into the details of everything he did to screw up our marriage, but at the point he left I was fed up and ready to be done with it. For the first time, I was mentally ready to divorce and was ready to file.

But for some reason, I kept getting a feeling that God wanted me to wait. And believe me, I DID NOT want to wait. But I did, because I knew that’s what God was telling me to do.

During that period, DH hit rock bottom. He lost everything. Me, his kids, other close family members of his…God picked him up and turned him into a completely different man! We eventually reconciled and have just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. The last 7 years have been a blessing. DH has been a changed man, committed to our marriage and our family.

I know your feeling hopeless right now, but I want you to know that it IS possible for God to turn your marriage around! Put everything in His hands and just wait. Don’t give up just yet.
[/quote]

Well all I would like to happen is for God’s will to be done. All I am hoping is to be able to know what His will is and do it. I am not pushing the separation or divorce, but if he leaves there’s nothing I can do and I won’t stop him either…there’s alot less tension at home when he’s not around. I don’t know what His plan is, but after having the divorce talk he’s still here and hasn’t brought it up again. Even though I haven’t seen or heard from him since Friday morning…I don’t understand him, if he wants to go why doesn’t he…if he wants to stay why doesn’t he straighten up and live a real family life, it’s like he wants it both ways…married man who lives like a single man…I don’t get it, I think it’s a very unhealthy situation. In any case I think the Lord will let me know when He wants me to make the move to end it and that’s when I will.


#18

[quote=Lexee15]Well all I would like to happen is for God’s will to be done. All I am hoping is to be able to know what His will is and do it. I am not pushing the separation or divorce, but if he leaves there’s nothing I can do and I won’t stop him either…there’s alot less tension at home when he’s not around. I don’t know what His plan is, but after having the divorce talk he’s still here and hasn’t brought it up again. Even though I haven’t seen or heard from him since Friday morning…I don’t understand him, if he wants to go why doesn’t he…if he wants to stay why doesn’t he straighten up and live a real family life, it’s like he wants it both ways…married man who lives like a single man…I don’t get it, I think it’s a very unhealthy situation. In any case I think the Lord will let me know when He wants me to make the move to end it and that’s when I will.
[/quote]

I am sad to read about your situation for I am reminded by my childrens father who left because he did want it both ways. To be married and live a single life without the resposibilities. My children were young then and I can see that you have a baby and are expecting. He later wanted to get back after I went to school and was making the big bucks. That is sad. I will pray for you, your husband and your family.

God bless


#19

[quote=embertx]I am sad to read about your situation for I am reminded by my childrens father who left because he did want it both ways. To be married and live a single life without the resposibilities. My children were young then and I can see that you have a baby and are expecting. He later wanted to get back after I went to school and was making the big bucks. That is sad. I will pray for you, your husband and your family.

God bless
[/quote]

Thank you for the prayers, they are greatly appreciated. What did you do about the situation? I just feel at times that I shouldn’t put up with it anymore, it’s like he lives here Sunday night through Friday morning and that’s it. When do I finally put my foot down and say enough is enough…you’re either part of this family or you’re not. I feel like I’m letting him control my life…why should he get to decide what happens with my life? Sometimes I’m indifferent and I never say anything when he does decide to come home…I don’t think the fight is worth it…but I do feel like I should just tell him not to come back anymore…I feel like by not saying anything I’m condoning and accepting the behavior so he will continue to do it, there are no consequences on my part.


#20

I’d agree with others who have said you need to work on the marriage. Get good Catholic marriage counseling. Also, look at the statistics in this article. catholic.com/library/gay_marriage.asp
It’s about gay marriage, but it includes some excellent information on the harm that divorce inflicts on children. The modern myth of “Don’t stay together for the children,” is shown to be false by research. Also, it shows how much harm is inflicted on the divorced couple. Unhappy marriages are actually better for your health than divorce. Unless there’s a safety problem in your family, like addiction or abuse, divorce really isn’t a good solution for your problems.


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