Comments about private life


#1

OK, I’m really starting to have a problem with some of my friends. My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months, yet my friends have not met him yet(they will at prom) due to distance, so it’s natural that they would be curious about him. However, some of their curiosity is starting to offend me. Here’s why.

As a Catholic, I’m always questioned about my decision not to have sex, or even make out until I get married. I’m also questioned about my decision not to use birth control even when I’m married (only NFP). Now that I have a boyfriend, all of the questioning is getting worse. People feel like they have a right to know all about my private life. They ask me if I’ve been kissed, tell me that I should kiss him at prom, they assume that my desire for a big family is rooted in lust (some comments I have received have turned me five shades of purple), and they joke about us having a raunchy sex life. Then they feel like they have a right to tell us about everything we’re doing “wrong” (like not talking for five hours every night, long distance phone calls are EXPENSIVE and we are both very busy, also, that I should go to his prom, even though I can’t afford to make the trip and have beat myself up about it but he told me mine sounded better anyway) I never tell them anything that I don’t agree with in their relationships, I don’t even mention their relationships in conversation, and my boy and I have been together for a lot longer than some of them. I wish they would just respect my boundaries, I don’t like talking about too much personal stuff. What should I do?


#2

Well, from the looks of your ticker you seem like you are about to graduate high school? You are VERY mature for your age, and have a good head on your shoulders. Don’t let these nosy people cloud your judgement. They will grow up one day and realize their own misakes. When I am approached with a question and don’t think it is any of the other person’s business the conversation goes a little something like this:

them: So, why don’t you __________?

me: Oh, I didn’t tell you?! (say it with alot of enthusiasm - as if you are about to answer them)

them: NO!!

me: Well, I guess you don’t need to know then!

That has worked for me like a charm, and it’s a bit nicer than saying MYOB! :smiley: Being a mother of 3, I would love to know your parents’ “secret” to raising such a level headed, respectful young adult. It seems as though they have done a good job! I can only pray to be so blessed!:thumbsup:


#3

Get some new friends. That might be a start.

But, seriously, I would walk away (if in person) or hang up (if on the phone) if they continued their comments after a polite comment such as “this subject is not open for discussion”.

They will start to respect you or they won’t. If they don’t respect you, why do you want them as friends?


#4

why would you share or feel compelled to share this info with people who have no right to know? No one can force you to discuss your private life unless you let them. Steadily reply to all such comments and questions: I don’t discuss those private aspects of my life with others. Repeat it like a broken record, eventually they will give up. Remember that by doing so you give up any right to inquire or comment about the private life of your friends. If your friends don’t have anything else to talk about except each others love life, get new friends.


#5

All the suggestions are great. Here’s another one ~ the really SHORT version ~ you just say “that’s private”. Good luck!

Melanie


#6

I can certainly understand why it’s annoying to have people asking very personal questions, and you could just shut them down or get new friends, or you could try to look at it this way:

you are an anomaly in this culture. others are going to be fascinated by the choices you have made, and they are going to struggle to understand why you have made such radical choices, and they are going to be bothered because they will see how happy/at peace you are, and compare it to how they feel, which is undoubtedly not peaceful at all. If you go to a secular college, it will be generally the same, at least that is what I experienced.

It gets tiring, but try to use their “interest” in your life as a tool for evangelization. When people would ask me, “I can’t believe you don’t sleep with your fiance” I would smile and say “Yes, isn’t it great? He loves me even though we AREN’T having sex. Clearly, I’m worth waiting for!” Or, “Are you going to get trashed at your wedding?” And I would say, “Noo…I’ve been looking forward to that night for quite some time now, I’d like to be able to remember it.” Sometimes people would say pretty nasty things (I was involved with theatre for awhile…explains a lot) but I tried to just be an example, and since they were bringing up the topics, I took it as my chance to rave about the beauty of Catholic teachings on sex and morals, etc. Most of the time they got tired of hearing the preaching, and left me alone. Just my :twocents:


#7

I can’t remember if it’s John Martignoni or Tim Staples who says if someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just respond with “Why do you want to know?”


#8

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

i love this one!!!


#9

I just want to say that i am proud to have you as a fellow catholic sister! You are already so mature for your age.

In college it gets a little harder so make sure you find some good strudy catholic friends too count on. Remeber to keep your eyes on God’s standards and not societies.

People will start to notice your values and respect them if you stick to them. All of my friends know that i am a virigin and respect my decisions. It’s werid a little werid because even my non-religious guy friends have commented on my beliefs. They have pulled a few suitors to the side and told them my status even before the first date. Needless to say i have a had some werid first dates but it does get it out in the open because some guys can not take a pure relationship. They don’t know how to be with a women who is strong in their faith and is willing to not be in a relationship if it is going to inury their relationship with God or be able to show effection and love without sex.

Some of my other guy friends keep asking me too hook them up with girlfriends because they believe “birds of a feather flock together”. Must have worked because i have two friends who just got engaged to two of my girlfriends. Their relationships are so much deeper than they would have been had they continue to date women who didn’t hold themselves up to a higher standard and put God first.

GOOD LUCK AND STAY STRONG!!!


#10

You are definitely very mature for your age and very level headed. I know you will work out what is the right thing to do. My suggestion is just to tell them that what you do with your life is your business. And I would suggest finding some new friends that respect your privacy. I’m 26 yrs old and I still deal with friends like this so apparaently some people never grow out of wanting to be in everyone’s business.


#11

Good for you for staying chaste while your friends are pressuring you and bugging you about it! I agree, you may need to get some new friends who will support your values, and at the very least, not pressure you into changing who you are. Meanwhile, I think you’ve gotten some good suggestions about how to tell them to stay out of your business. You could also say something like, “it’s personal, and I don’t want to talk about it. If you’re my friend you’ll respect that.” There are times when a friend will genuinely want to learn about your faith, or will be so impressed by your life-choices that they’ll wnat to understand why. In that situation, you might be willing to explain your reasoning - IF you’re comfortable talking about it. It could be an opportunity to be a good witness of your faith. You can always say, “if you really want to know, I’ll explain my reasoning. But I’m not in this for an argument.” But again, even this is not required. It is more important for you to be certain that you’ll stay on the right path than it is to convince these friends. So if that means telling them to “lay off” then so be it. Meanwhile, no matter how you answer these folks, try to seek out groups where there are other people who share your values - having friends who support your faith is SOOOO much better than what you’re dealing with.


#12

Thank you guys! I’ve been very stressed out lately (college decisions, prom and graduation stuff, homework, etc.) and it was just bothering me that my friends would ask me such questions. Usually I’d break down and answer just because I was sick of the pressure, but now, if I get any more inquiries, I’ll just answer gently that I don’t feel comfortable talking about this stuff. I understand, a lot of my friends (myself included) come from families of two or three children so hearing someone say they want six children is a bit shocking (even in my town where families with four or five children are not uncommon). I also feel bad, because a lot of my friends are from lukewarm Catholic families and they are told, if your conscience OK’s it, then it’s all good. So someone who doesn’t even want to make out till marriage is extremely rare. Please say a prayer for my generation, because we’ve been hit hard by society:(


#13

Okay, let me not be too cynical or bitter, but I think I’ll be anyway. So, to put it bluntly: it’s not their problem. They don’t need to know if you’ve kissed him or been kissed. And they certainly don’t have the right. If they don’t actually mean kissing as “a thing” or “first base” or whatever, but honestly and in good faith as a display of affection, don’t know… if they’re being romantic about it, then they don’t mean ill and their curiosity is not so ill, if at all. But if they ask if you’ve been kissed the same way they’d ask about a sexual thing, then don’t bother.

It’s simply not worth your time battling over and over about it. By bickering with them about it, you will only show that it’s negotiable or that questioning you works. Just tell them you don’t want to talk about private things and you’ll be fine. Reinforce your choices and tell them to stop telling you to change them or repeating for the umpteenth time that it’s not realistic, mediaeval and generally crazy.

You don’t need to take any raunchy comments from your friends and especially not from the male ones. You don’t owe them as much as they think you do.

Alternatively, you can think about some witty come-backs, but I don’t think it’s worth it.

Oh, and hearing such things from friends won’t kill you. It’s painful and all, but if you detach yourself from it and take it with a pinch of salt, life becomes easier. I collect a lot of such bounties and sometimes I just can’t wait until I get my next load. Yep, I know, sociopathic. I look at every such instance as training and conditioning. I’m working on a lighter, more charitable and less antagonistic approach.


#14

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.