Complete change in a person in a couple weeks? (long)


#1

Dear God…my SIL has gone completely off the deep end. My brother’s family is not Catholic, they go to some kind of evangelical church. One of those non-denominational places. But considering where my brother was before, I was just happy he found someplace where he felt included and good and could reach toward God. It seemed his wife led him there, and we were all happy for them, that they had found a spiritual home.

In the last few weeks, my brother’s marriage has completely fallen apart. I knew they had some issues, and were seeking counseling through their church. But, my SIL made it out to be all my brother, and unfortunately, I believed a lot of it because of how my brother has been in the past. I didn’t want to hear the stuff she told me, but I thought if I let her vent, sympathized, and kept it private, then perhaps I could be like a pressure valve that helped keep their marriage together. I wanted to do that for their kids, and I never passed on anything she told me. Thank God I at least had that much wisdom…

At first, SIL made it out that my brother walked out on her. Come to find out later she threw him out. I talked to her right after he “left” and made it clear that neither of them should date and they should both concentrate on making this as easy on the kids as they can. I even e-mailed my brother and basically chewed him out. Well, come to find out my brother has learned a lot more about Christian forgiveness and forbearance than I gave him credit for, because instead of telling me to buzz off, he explained a few things to me and called me to talk about it. I thanked him for not just dismissing me and never talking to me again.

He said he was getting a lot of what I gave him, because SIL was telling everybody the same untrue stuff. Her own parents had to apologize to my brother because they chewed him out too and then caught her lying.

Well, come to find out that less than a week after my brother “left” she brought home some guy from a club. She had him over all the time. My brother’s oldest, who is only 7, caught her mother making out on the couch with this guy and is very confused and upset. The kids keep asking my brother questions like, why is that man sleeping with Mommy? She admitted to my brother that she is having sex with at least one guy. He told me she may have had others over too.

He wore out his welcome at his friend’s house, and decided he was not going to be homeless because his wife decided she needed to regress. He was also very worried about these guys, who no one knows anything about, being in the house with his children. (two beautiful daughters and a sweet little boy…all vulnerable!) So he went home. I guess he was sleeping on the couch. But anyway, I guess this made SIL very angry because it was cramping her ability to be with her boyfriend(s). She called the cops and wanted him thrown out, but they told her he is on the mortgage and he is paying it, so he legally lives there and they can’t just throw him out of his own house. That made her really angry, so she called 911 and said he was beating her up. So here is my brother, sitting on his own couch, when cops pull up code 3 and kick in his door. He was like, whoa, what’s going on guys? She admitted that he hadn’t hit her, but unfortunately they didn’t charge her. They did, however, thankfully, file a report stating it was a false claim. That is VERY important, because my brother is a DOC officer (prison guard). Any report of domestic abuse could cost him his career, and she knew that when she called.

Well, so my brother decided that was it, he cannot fight for this marriage any more. There is nothing left there. Yesterday they went to court for the first time. My brother told the judge everything from the past three or so weeks, including how she wouldn’t let him see the kids for over two solid weeks, and how she took the money he gave her and didn’t pay the mortgage or the bills, but went shopping and to clubs. The mortgage is now in arrears and my brother doesn’t know how he is going to pay it this month. I have no money to help him…:frowning: She tried to lie about what happened with the cops, but the judge had a computer right there on his desk, and looked up the report. He saw that she was lying, and based on that and the weight of everything my brother said, which she did not or could not refute, kicked her out of the house. My brother said that even after weeks of him and her parents trying to warn her that her behavior was going to cost her alot, she was still stunned and broke down in court.


#2

(continued…)

So now my nieces and nephew have been through this hell, and it’s nowhere near over. Some things, I don’t think my brother is handling well. I told him that he needs to watch what he says about their mother in front of them. He wouldn’t listen. I didn’t realize until too late that he was in the car with them while telling me a lot of this. They have lost their mother, who used to be a very good mother, attentive and she home schooled, and their dad is trying to figure out who is going to take care of them while he is at work. They live about 80 miles away from us, and I told him I would help if I could, but I am not sure how much I can help! My DH, bless his heart, offered to throw my paper route in addition to his full-time job if I need to go out there and stay for some time. I was shocked and said I couldn’t expect that of him…but told him we’ll see what happens. (Oh that man of mine…he is GOLD!)

How can I help, besides prayer? I had been praying for reconciliation and then for SIL’s conversion. But she seems so far gone… perhaps getting kicked out of the house will wake her up. My brother said the judge said, “If she’s got this guy coming over and they have someplace to stay, then let her go stay there.” I mean, if that’s not a wake up call… what is? I have never heard of anything like this. I thought it would take months for my brother to be able to get the house and the kids, and then only if he could prove her behavior! But she just went way too far so fast, and dug her own hole much quicker than anyone could have predicted. The false 911 call really did her in. Is there anything I can do here? Logistically, helping with child care would be really difficult for us, but we might be able to do it in the short term during summer break from school. He’s going to have to figure something out before school starts again in August, though, because then I just have way too much going on. I wish they lived closer…:frowning:


#3

First of all, what an awful situation! I am praying for all of you!

My only thought would be if it was possible to maybe have the kids stay with you and your husband for a time during the summer to give your brother the chance to stabilize his life and get legal/financial things taken care of.

And I definitely agree with you about him not talking about his wife badly in front of his kids. This is definitely not good. I know it’s hard sometimes when you’re angry, but they really shouldn’t be exposed to any more than they already have.

Good luck and God bless!

Trish


#4

Really be there for your brother. Maybe you could take the kids for a while until he gets things straightened out. He’ll need a lot of prayer and also practical things, like groceries, etc, childcare (maybe).
I am so sorry for all of you and hope things get better, I’ll pray for you and your family.
Lissa


#5

We are so sorry for you and your family. Prayers for your brother and the kids. Perhaps the wife is in some kind of trouble (financial, addiction, etc.).

Do what you can to help and support your brother and the kids and you are doing a very good thing as a sister to help in this difficult time.

Keep the prayers going and don’t forget to check with Catholic Services - maybe they have a program for him or the kids to assist with.


#6

the brother needs a good lawyer and a good marriage counsellor
SIL must belong to a very interesting “non” denomination if she acts this way
it would be far better for everyone involved if other family members did not get in the middle of their marital squabbles, especially first taking one side then the other. if the families back off, maybe there is a chance for healing, but if the brother doesn’t take steps to help himself, the family digging in is not going to help either.


#7

Summer is here so offer to keep the children for a time while he gets things straightened out at home. This will also allow him time to be angry with his wife and what she has done not just to him but their children as well so he can start learning to talk nice about her when they are with him.

He also needs to call the mortgage company and make arrangements to pay off the missed month. Mortgage companies really don’t want to foreclose as they lose money if they do. This is only one month in arrears so it is a good thing for him.

If you can go out to his house for part of the summer too to help with the children and help him find permanent child care that would help too. The children are going to have to go to school this fall.

As for your paper route, is there a way someone other than your husband can take it for two weeks to a month temporarily?

This can be done.

Prayers going your way and your brothers.

Brenda V.


#8

Tell your brother to read www.marriagebuilders.com. The way his wife is acting is not all that uncommon of a woman having an affair (she was probably cheating on him before all this stuff blew up).


closed #9

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