Complicated Issue- Sexual


#1

Okay, where do I start. I am not Catholic yet but am in the process of converting from Anglicanism religious-wise but spiritually moving from atheist/agnostic to Christian. This has been happening for around 3 years and I am very happy to be making the plunge.

I did before getting married have numerous partners and sexual experiences but am very happy now to have been married to a wonderful guy for 2 years now and want to remain married to him for the rest of my life and forsaking all others as marriage was intended while being on the Catholic path. I love my husband VERY much. He is everything to me.

What is the problem? The problem is I get almost no pleasure from sex anymore. I am on an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety and hypertensive medication which will and does decrease libido. Sex is an important part of a loving Christian relationship but I don’t want to have it. I make myself because I believe it is important but now I think my husband is catching on that I do not really want to have it. Once, I get started I am okay but if I never had it again I would be quite fine. Not to mention, in all my relationships I have never orgasmed sexually except by myself which now that I am becoming Catholic is closed off to me.

I may have to be on this medication for the rest of my life. But now that I cannot masturbate, what do I do? Many of the books I read suggest masturbation or other non-sanctioned activities to help with my condition. Should I continue to have sex as my duty? I am so frustrated as I get contradictory answers on what a Catholic can do sexually when they have sexual problems.

My husband is my best friend and I really have sex to make him happy because I know he loves me and wants to have sex with me. But, I fear that I am turning him away. He is not Catholic or religious and has been turning more to pornography than when we first were together and I fear that part of that is because of me.

I have Holy Sex by Popkak and Heaven’s Song by West but they provide little advice for one who has problems sexually. I would love to experience the type of loving sex that they say is part of the gift for a married couple. Should I just forget about it? It’s really causing me a lot of stress. :crying:


#2

This is a public forum, so, how to phrase this in a delicate way…

You hand is no different than your husband’s hand, teach him how to manually stimulate you to orgasm - IN the context of a complete marital act, this is a moral alternative for those who cannot orgasm from vaginal intercourse.


#3

About the meds, speak to your doctor - we cannot give medical advice here :slight_smile:


#4

I have spoken to my doctor. The meds that work for me are the same meds that cause sexual dysfunction. I will stay on my meds regardless as they are for my health. My concern is what do I do with my marriage.


#5

Are you speaking about sex as in all sexual activity or just intercourse? Whilst I do not know Catholic teaching perhaps to enough of an extent in this matter, the woman’s orgasm biologically wastes no ‘seed’ as the man’s does, her eggs remains in the womb, so I would assume that your husband could give you manual or oral sex to help you orgasm, if you have not previously tried this. Many, many women cannot come from intercourse alone, and I am sure he is eager to please you as you are him.

If you have already tried this then perhaps the problem is a. you cannot relax enough b. he is doing it wrong. Which in both cases trust and communication will help. I have had previous sexual relationships and could never achieve orgasm, mainly because of these two reasons. You need to open up and talk to him about sex as well as doing it, or it may remain a problem.


#6

I have read conflicting accounts as to whether oral sex or manual stimulation during sex is a licit activity between married couples. I guess this is something I should refer to a priest.


#7

As long as you say you’re interested once you get going, then you’re going to be okay. Lots of women are like that. :slight_smile:

[quote="janesansible]Not to mention, in all my relationships I have never orgasmed sexually except by myself which now that I am becoming Catholic is closed off to me.
[/quote]

I think this is one of your main problems. You have trained your body to react only to your own hand. You pretty much have to allow your husband to “re-train” your body.

Oral stimulation and manual stimulation for the man are okay as foreplay, but the MAN **must **only climax within the woman.

If the woman does not climax, however, then yes, her husband may manually or orally bring her to climax.

So yes, you can enjoy sex and orgasm too and it’ll still be within the bounds of sexual morality.


#8

:yup: you’re not alone, OP. Your feelings toward sex sound very similar to mine, esp. when I’m preggo or nursing (which has been about 99% of our marriage :p). I’m not on any medication.

There are many things you can do with your husband, and in the context of a healthy, moral, loving marriage. :slight_smile: for instance, oral and manual stimulation within the context of a complete act (as pps have already mentioned ;)). male orgasm must be in it’s ahem proper place, and female orgasm can come at any time during the act, before or after. Just as long as it’s not like, that morning, and then you come home from work and finish with your husband that night, kwim? :wink:

1st, I think I would be totally open with your husband, so he knows where you’re coming from (don’t forget to emphasize the fact that you LOVE him completely), and then talk talk talk about what he can do to help you. :slight_smile:

I hope he can give up the porn, though. That would be a major turn-off for me. :frowning:


#9

I am okay, once I get started but it takes way too much convincing to get myself in the bed to begin with. My husband is great, I have talked to him many times about it and he is very familiar with biology (it was his major) he knows how drugs can affect the body. I guess I will have to keep trying to teach but I am sure he must feel like the whole issue is like pulling teeth so he would rather just not bother. The porn issue does not turn me off but I know he is using it out probably out of frustration. He really is a good man and understanding to me. Ah well…


#10

it’s good he’s understanding. :slight_smile: in my marriage, it’s taken years (we’ve been married 7) to get to where we are now, physically speaking. my dh went through many periods of frustration, and I went through many periods of “doing it anyway”, b/c I love him very much. I guess what I’m saying is, hang in there!! I’m sure it will get better with time and practice since you’re both being understanding of each other’s needs. don’t forget to pray about it. :slight_smile:

Even though you say the porn doesn’t turn you off, it’s still not good for a marriage to have that in it, objectively speaking. I pray that your husband can leave that by the wayside in favor of you alone.


#11

The porn may be part of the problem. Agree with your husband to leave that alone for a while. And concentrate on you.

You’ve received very good advice here. You need to retrain your brain to react to HIM.

And let’s be honest… men love a challenge. :wink:

Say the magic words: “Seduce me.”

Then see how imaginative he can be convincing you to move it to the bedroom.

Here’s a hint for YOU. Your body can influence your brain in a way people usually get backwards. If YOU keep a smile on your face the whole time… you might be surprised that your brain turns happy too. Practice that one. Talk on the phone with a smile on your face and see if you don’t feel better at the end of your conversation. Eventually the smile becomes real.

Now take that smile and use it on a husband who is desperately trying to seduce you. Your smile will only encourage him.

:wink:


#12

:thumbsup:


#13

It is moral for your husband to perform oral sex on you and to use his hands. The man has to climax inside the woman because otherwise he’d be spilling semen, but it doens’t matter when the woman does as long as it’s a part of a session where at some point intercourse happens.

Many women cannot climax from vaginal intercourse alone.


#14

I must have missed this advice, this is excellent! As a married man I would elated if my wife put it this way. “Sorry I’m not in the mood really but I’m open to being convinced otherwise ;)” That a challenge few men could pass up!


#15

In my opinion, the best way to handle this situation is to talk to your husband of the dificultys that you are going through. Tell him the truth of what you feel about your sexual life and the problems that you are encountering. I would especially adivise you to talk to him when both of you are alone and in a perfect state. That means that both of you should not be tired or having headaches or be worrying of something else rather than the sexual issue that is bothering you. Go in a room and talk in private as you release every single detail to him of what’s going on between the both of you.

It would be very important that you be honest and not say any lies to him. Communication and honesty is very important in a relationship and the more honest and open you are, the better it will be for him to try to help you and find a solution to the problem. This is a particular type of problem where both of you will have to work together as a team and as a loving couple to work things out correctly and get all the help you need.

In conclusion, talk to your husband about what’s going on with your sex problem and try to find a solution to the problem. I think it would be necesary to go to some sort of couple talks or see a doctor of some sort.


#16

Please speak with your doctor again.

In almost every case, there are alternative drugs that can be described for the conditions you mentioned. Not all have the same side effects for the same people. There are also a few drugs that can be prescribed to increase libido.

If the doctor is dismissive of your problem, they aren’t the right doctor for you. This is an issue that is having a significant impact on you and I would make every effort to resolve it.


#17

There is a Catholic alternative to traditional antidepressant therapy.

See this article by Dr. Raymond Lloyd Richmond.


#18

Wow, I wish my hubby would take this train of thought! When I use the “I’m not in the mood, but convince me,” line, he takes it as an insult and so it’s a complete turnoff. As he puts it, “I don’t want to have to *convince *my wife to be with me. You’re basically telling me that I don’t turn you on enough just being here.” So I’ve had to drop the first part of that line. :stuck_out_tongue:


#19

Holy Cow, dancergirl! He really sounds full of himself. Is he that wonderful that all he has to do is walk in a room and women want him?

Maybe you need to give him some reading material on the difference between men and women in that department. Women do not sit and think of sex once every 3.2 seconds.

So what he’s saying is he doesn’t want to have to court you? He doesn’t want to have to do anything to make YOU feel like the most desirable woman in the world and that HE wants YOU?

:frowning:


#20

We’ve had some discussions on it since then, and it’s helped a bit. He’s working on being more understanding, but I think my jaw dropped the first time he said that to me!


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.