Thinking of death. Need good sleep and assurance of God’s love. Please pray a lot for me.
P.S background: I’ve been having aberrant thoughts for weeks that made me unable to sleep; many priests in my home country didn’t understand and their responses made my compulsions worse. I just saw a psychiatrist today (in a neighboring country that has better health care), who told me that my aberrant thoughts are ego-dystonic (i.e. not conforming to my personality, so that I’m not responsible for them) and that these compulsive thoughts are brought by living too long in the repressive conditions of my home country. Since I’ll be leaving this place in 4 days, he just prescribed some sleeping pills and told me the compulsions will go away naturally when my location changes. However, he’s not a believer and cannot give me any assurance of God’s love or favor, while those who can refuse to do so (due to their lack of understanding of my situation) Religion in my country is mandated by the state, so the thought of God as a loving, forgiving Father is very unpopular (since it takes away power from the hands of men). I myself never experienced anything but abuse, insults and misunderstanding from “religious people” over there. The thought of an angry God who is always displeased with me keeps me from sleeping in spite of the medicines, and I really need sleep SO VERY BADLY. I havent even packed my stuff yet and I’m chronically dizzy due to sleeplessness. Please my friends, pray that I may feel the assurance of God’s delight, love and favor of me very soon! Pray that the bad thoughts and fear of His displeasure will go away quickly. Haven’t slept properly in many days and I’m desperate. Please pray for me! Thank you
(The doctor tells me that taking to people who dont understand will only make my condition worse, but my situation as a writer/activist from an ethnic minority is so rare that its now a vicious cycle—I have bad, compulsive thoughts, then I talk to “believers” who don’t understand, I feel even more afraid and guilty, and so on) please pray for me; pray for peace; I’m desperate, I want to be 100% sure all the time that God delights in me and is not displeased/angry.