Concern


#1

My boyfriends mother is how you say "obsessed" with him. I have been with him for 5 years now, and I recently found out that the reason his Aunt doesn't speak to his mother is because she knows what she did to her other son; whom got emancipated at the age of 15 because of the things she did to him.
My boyfriends two sisters don't believe one word of it, but I have been observing her behaivor towards him, and the way that she treats me.... now it's not that hard to believe that she is capable of doing something like that.

I was wondering if there's any verses from the bible that talk about incest. I'm making her a painting for christmas of purple roses and in the background I wanted to put a verse.

Thank you.

P.S. If this post breaks any rules I'm sorry. No real names were used.


#2

There is no nice way to send a Bible verse to let someone know you think she has committed incest (or is capable of committing incest) with her sons. You talk about hearsay concerning an aunt and opinions from sisters: you haven't talked to your boyfriend about this?

If you're saying you have a real reason (not just hearsay) to believe that you know a person who is a pedophile (if the victim is over ten, then I guess the term is ephebophile or a hebephile), maybe based on how the boyfriend acts with his mother or what they say to each other, then you need to talk this over with your pastor or perhaps a school counselor, or someone like that who is both knowledgeable and totally discrete, in order to sort out what you think you know and what ought to be done about it.

If in doubt, ask for some outside direction. Incest is a serious crime, but also a serious accusation sometimes leveled against the innocent. Incest can ruin lives, and false accusations and rumors can be extremely damaging, too. Don't navigate this problem alone. Find a wise person to help you.


#3

[quote="EasterJoy, post:2, topic:223142"]
There is no nice way to send a Bible verse to let someone know you think she has committed incest (or is capable of committing incest) with her sons.

[/quote]

I was thinking the same thing. "Merry Christmas, and by the way I think you might be behaving inappropriately in a sexual way with your own son" :bigyikes:

As suggested, talk to someone about your concerns, but preferably someone who is wise enough/experienced enough to be able to help you deal with the situation appropriately - a professional (perhaps a counsellor?)


#4

[quote="Colette90, post:1, topic:223142"]
My boyfriends mother is how you say "obsessed" with him. I have been with him for 5 years now, and I recently found out that the reason his Aunt doesn't speak to his mother is because she knows what she did to her other son; whom got emancipated at the age of 15 because of the things she did to him.
My boyfriends two sisters don't believe one word of it, but I have been observing her behaivor towards him, and the way that she treats me.... now it's not that hard to believe that she is capable of doing something like that.

I was wondering if there's any verses from the bible that talk about incest. I'm making her a painting for christmas of purple roses and in the background I wanted to put a verse.

Thank you.

P.S. If this post breaks any rules I'm sorry. No real names were used.

[/quote]

You are very involved in his family - what has HE told you about his mother/childhood? Frankly, this family seems to have a lot of problems and I would not have stayed for 5 years, but you must wish to be involved in this kind of drama or you would have been long gone.

Get some counseling to figure out why you would want to stay with this man and his family for so long. It's not going to be good for you long-term.

And p.s. - forget the Bible verse painting. That's a foolish way to deal with the situation.


#5

If the situation is this messed up and he is not actively in counseling you cannot hope for a healthy marriage. Your best bet is to discuss this with your boyfriend directly. If you feel there is something to it and he has not dealt with it then you should run! Even if the relationship is on-sexual but just has no boundaries if he cannot set boundaries with his mother it will not get better one day just because you have a ring - it may get worse. Your kids may become hers in her mind. Remember dating is a discernment of marriage - not time to fix your future spouse.


#6

Incest among other things is often about lies and indirectness. A 'secret' relationship that can't be discussed; a parent or other married adult who looks monogamous but isn't, etc. Also there are some relationships that can be stifling but not sexually inappropriate. Still, if you have heard a report that this woman is abusive from a family member who is in a position to know, the best thing is to discuss privately with your boyfriend. Whether there has been sexual abuse or not, it sounds like he needs to psychologically separate from his mother. If there has been sexual abuse it will be harder.

Confronting an abuser is almost never a good idea until the survivor is ready for it, assuming the accusation is true. The only exception is when there are children at risk. If there are no children at risk, in many cases it is best to avoid a confrontation and focus on 'living well is the best revenge.' That is b/c family rarely responds well to an accusation. People often get really upset or ignore it and that can be frightening for the survivor.

As with other things, the issue is with you and your boyfriend, not you and his mother, even if his mother treated him terribly. However if he remains close and you have children and you feel the accusation is true - from talking to him and other family members - you will have to be careful about your kids. It can be a hard life.

It comes down to what your boyfriend says, but if his brother got emancipated at a young age due to similar behavior, there may be documentation of abuse. Still the decision to confront is up to your boyfriend. Some people are falsely accused and others did abuse but genuinely don't remember it - maybe they were alcoholics or etc.

good luck. there is a book by Laura Davis called allies in healing that talks about these issues. Loved ones often want to confront an abuser but unfortunately that is rarely a good idea.

take care.


#7

Even at the risk of family not believing him, your boyfriend has an obligation to tell anyone with small children that might potentially be around this woman that she poses a danger. She is a predator. Keep in mind if you marry this man and have children, you will need to be vigilant about never letting her have un-monitored access to them. It is rare that an abuser stops at one.
Is he still in contact with his mother? Has he been able to separate from her, or is their relationship unhealthily enmeshed? If he has not gotten therapy already, I suggest he do that ASAP.
It doesn't surprise me that people in the family are in denial. My mother in law was molested by her father, but she allowed him in her life and her children's lives, he died before my husband was born thankfully, but there are so many pictures of "grandpa" with my sister in law when she was a child, cuddling, holidays and birthdays, sleep overs, etc.It is scary when adults turn a blind eye to these things, it is like they would rather protect the abuser than the children. It is a really scary thing.


#8

Let's focus on your painting. Can you paint? Are you an artist? Is it any good? Why purple?
How could possible think putting any verse about incent would possibly be a good idea?
Time to move on........


#9

Until and unless he admits it to himself, there isn't much you can do. I know from personal experience, sadly, that denial and repression make any third party intervention in sexual abuse cases worthless and wasted. Prayer is best, until he is ready to deal. And on another note, only the victim/survivor, a mental health professional, or law enforcement should be confronting or disclosing the mother's actions. With respect, you aren't qualified or suited for this task, though its admirable to be concerned. I should add parents to the list for a minor child, if the parent isn't the abuser. In your case, its not your responsibility.


#10

[quote="MercyMia, post:7, topic:223142"]
Even at the risk of family not believing him, your boyfriend has an obligation to tell anyone with small children that might potentially be around this woman that she poses a danger. She is a predator. Keep in mind if you marry this man and have children, you will need to be vigilant about never letting her have un-monitored access to them. It is rare that an abuser stops at one.
Is he still in contact with his mother? Has he been able to separate from her, or is their relationship unhealthily enmeshed? If he has not gotten therapy already, I suggest he do that ASAP.
It doesn't surprise me that people in the family are in denial. My mother in law was molested by her father, but she allowed him in her life and her children's lives, he died before my husband was born thankfully, but there are so many pictures of "grandpa" with my sister in law when she was a child, cuddling, holidays and birthdays, sleep overs, etc.It is scary when adults turn a blind eye to these things, it is like they would rather protect the abuser than the children. It is a really scary thing.

[/quote]

Do we know FOR SURE that she abused anyone? Or are accusations just getting thrown around? Be sure not to condemn anyone without proof. Has the BF admitted anything happened? Or are OTHERS accusing? Be careful. Lots of innocent people have suffered needlessly when OTHERS accuse the innocent of something that never actually happened.


#11

[quote="Catholic90, post:10, topic:223142"]
Do we know FOR SURE that she abused anyone? Or are accusations just getting thrown around? Be sure not to condemn anyone without proof. Has the BF admitted anything happened? Or are OTHERS accusing? Be careful. Lots of innocent people have suffered needlessly when OTHERS accuse the innocent of something that never actually happened.

[/quote]

Its far more likely that a guilty one going unreported will cause damage to innocents than reporting something even with some doubt will do the same. While I agree that some people can lie, its always better when there is doubt either way to side with victims/survivors. And by the way, I didn't admit what had happened to me for 20-30 years after the events. Repression and denial have nothing to do with veracity of claims that are reported years later, especially for males, who take much longer, generally, to accept and admit/disclose/confront abusers.


#12

[quote="traillius, post:11, topic:223142"]
Its far more likely that a guilty one going unreported will cause damage to innocents than reporting something even with some doubt will do the same. While I agree that some people can lie, its always better when there is doubt either way to side with victims/survivors. And by the way, I didn't admit what had happened to me for 20-30 years after the events. Repression and denial have nothing to do with veracity of claims that are reported years later, especially for males, who take much longer, generally, to accept and admit/disclose/confront abusers.

[/quote]

We can't actually tell from the OP's post that this woman has EVER been accused of any sexual misconduct. We know that a 15-year-old son of hers was emancipated for SOMETHING that she did, but if he went through the legal process of emancipation based on sexual charges, then she would have been charged with sexual misconduct with a minor, which she obviously wasn't. Now, this isn't to say that she most definitely did not at any point abuse a child, all I'm saying is that we really have no evidence to say she did other than the hunch of the OP, who really needs to talk to her boyfriend about this.


#13

[quote="AdriannaJean, post:12, topic:223142"]
We can't actually tell from the OP's post that this woman has EVER been accused of any sexual misconduct. We know that a 15-year-old son of hers was emancipated for SOMETHING that she did, but if he went through the legal process of emancipation based on sexual charges, then she would have been charged with sexual misconduct with a minor, which she obviously wasn't. Now, this isn't to say that she most definitely did not at any point abuse a child, all I'm saying is that we really have no evidence to say she did other than the hunch of the OP, who really needs to talk to her boyfriend about this.

[/quote]

There isn't much to go on, based on the OP, but really, emancipation for " what she did to him " ( the brother ) is most likely some kind of abuse. I don't know all the legal issues, but you can probably be emancipated, without criminal charges being filed. The standards are likely different. In any case, If the boyfriend makes a claim, especially years later, its unlikely to be a fabrication. the motives for lying wouldn't exist so far after the fact. At least that's my opinion. I simply believe we should go by what the boyfriend says, if anything, about the situation.


#14

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