I am a freshman in college. Recently, Ive been experiencing great periods of loneliness, something I’ve felt ever since high school, but which has increased as college began. Im not perfect - I struggle with purity a lot. Its a hole that desires intimacy with someone. The intimacy of friendship, of having someone I can talk to who likes me for who I am and I who I like for they are. Don’t get me wrong, I dont go around all day depressed - I am a generally happy, positive person who can carry a conversation with just about anyone. However, theres just this…desire to have that one person in my life who I could share my troubles and joys with. On a personal level. Ive always felt attracted to relationships, but my family insists that I must wait until I graduate college before I can start dating. I honestly feel a little estranged from them because of this. I am the youngest of six kids (the next oldest is four years older than me) and I feel kinda like I grew up alone, in a way. Recently, I’ve been stopping at a nearby chapel to pray before God in the Blessed Sacrament and just tell Him my worries and joys, my sorrows, and that emptiness I experience. I’ve liked several girls in the past and my desire to date has grown stronger, but I feel like these feelings are being surpressed. I don’t know honestly. I feel like part of the reason I struggle so much with purity is because my family wouldnt let me date because they believed education should come first - I could only, in a sense, look at them from far away, aka, friends, and that made me kinda try to find that intimacy elsewhere - thus the purity problems. I even went to a point of going behind my family’s back this summer and almost half-dating (in the sense that I couldnt commit even though I wanted to) a girl I liked and then they found out and everything went downhill from there.
However, I havent had the greatest prayer life before. Ive been quite lax in my prayer life to be honest. Im beginning to desire it all again though, and Im wondering if maybe that hole Im experiencing isnt necessarily that I desire a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship per say, but maybe also because I desire that spiritual intimacy with God, which I would guess Im trying to fill with a girl. I don’t know. Id appreciate any input you guys can give me. I want kids. I want a wife. I want to have a family. But I dont know if Im just saying that because I am missing God in my life. What do you guys think?