[quote="mmarine, post:1, topic:185133"]
My wife has moved out. If she decides she wants to come back I feel I must require she meet certain conditions like :wearing her ring in public; making a verbal promise not to flirt with men, especially ones who have propositioned her at work; moving out of an apartment she sometimes stays in with a female co-worker when she works late, since her friend has a live-in boyfriend; put me back on her bank account as a joint holder; stop taking dance lessons with my son that include dancing with other men; introduce me to the man at work she had a three-week flirtacious exchange with or quit her job so she is not around him anymore.
You should know that besides the most recent flirtacious affair, my wife had an actual physcial affair first about 6 years ago. She told me about the affair and then went back to him again before she ended it, but then started a flirtacious affair with another man for a few weeks and then ended that and started a career in law enforcement. Then, within one year of being on the job, admitted to another flirtacious affair of three weeks that I mentioned above. This latest verbal affair was about four year ago, but she only told me about it about one year ago because she thought I was going to find out due to an investigation at her work regarding a related matter.
Do these conditions seem unreasonable or immoral, especially given my wife's aforementioned history? If:( my wife does not agree to them and we stay seperated at my insistance, am I sinning since I will not reunite until she agrees to the conditions? :(
Not balming you but I think you also need to examine or talk to her with WHY she is turning to other men for comfort either physical or emotional. Do you remember when you were dating her and your actions to her? Alot of times there is that "honeymoon" phase or courting phase, in which both parties are practically bending over backwards to make the other happy? Have you lacked in that area or has she (It is kinda obvious that she has on occassion) Women need that mental connection to their man. they need to feel that constant "feel good" emotion of being special and desired. Flirting provides that by giving her the sense that someone wants her for who she is, and that feeling can decrease in a marraige where you are both just comfortable with each other. I would suggest letting her know that you still desire her in both a sexual and mental aspect. that you desire her mind and that you desier her body, and she needs to do the same if she wants the relationship with you to be saved.
Personally I would say that the condition of her quiting her job is a bit harsh to return to you and will have the affect of driving her away. keep in mind that you cannot keep her under lock and key and that she will have contact with men outside the home, such as shopping or going to the bank, or out to eat. While she does work with men that she flirts with, that is not the underlining cause of the flirtation. And are all her actions truly flirting? I say this because as a Marine I am around men all the time (inded am the only female in the MOS at my unit) and I get alone very well with them. Sometimes my behavior may be seen by outsiders as "flirting" when it is aboslutely not and the guys know that, it is just my personality that comes across that way. I can no more change that then I can change who gave birth to me.
If she is working in law enforcement, she may haev a type A personality that includes being open and very forthcoming with the people that she is comfortable with. That should also be taken in to account. Think about joining the dance class with your son and wife rather than telling her to quit. This gives her time to do something with her son, and at the same time dance with you to retain that closeness. And do not do it just to watch her like a hawk, but rather because you want to experience the time with your wife in an activity that she enjoys.
Again not condoning her actions (personally i would leave after the first physical affair, but I am not forgiving for actions such as those) just trying to understand them. It sounds as if you want to forgive her and to trust her again and to make things work. While it may be hard, if you ever do get back together with her, you need to give the absolute appearance that you have and that you do trust her.
I was reminded of a story about a drug addict who quite cocaine. He worked hard to get his life back together and succeeded with his wifes help. He said that the only way that he could have kept succeeding was by knowing that he had his wife's trust to stay away from drugs, and she never let on that she didn't trust him. That encouraged him to remain in her trust by avoiding the temptation. It may work in your situation. that means not bringing up past infidelities once you get back together and she agrees to work with you. keep in mind that although you give the appearance of trust and I would say strive to actually have that trust, should she fault again, you should draw the line and remove her from your physical home.