Confess to Priest AND husband?

I am disillusioned as to what to do.I made an appointment to confess to my Priest. I committed adultery. I was so intoxicated when it happened, I didn’t even know it was happening until the end. This is not an excuse, just giving background. I believe my husband deserves to know the truth, but I am extremely afraid for our family and his mental health. He recently got sober and this will crush him. Not to mention it may hurt the other family involved if my husband is enraged. If I don’t tell, I’m not sure I can live with myself. I don’t know if that is me being selfish or if it is my conscience. I know advice goes both ways. Prayers and advice appreciated. This would have never happened without the intoxication. I just can’t believe I did it. So hard to go on.

Confess to the priest.
Not to your husband. Nothing to be gained from confessing to husband other than hurting him and others.
Your motive would be selfish (It is neither kind nor ethical to hurt someone else so you can “live with yourself”).
Consider making “living amends” instead–treating him better, re-committing to your marriage.
Quit drinking.
Go to AA or Alanon (whichever fits you).
I will pray for you.

This is a tough situation. Confess to your priest, ask him what he thinks after confessing.
In my mind, telling your husband won’t do any good. You may have a messy divorce, depression etc. As the other posted suggested, vow that you will only be with him, honor and love him more than ever and definitely quit drinking. We all fall short of the glory of God and when you are truly sorry and make things right with Him there is no reason to keep holding it over yourself. But this is my opinion, I think you should definitely consult your priest as he will know better than I what is right especially in Catholic teachings.

Mac is right on target with what I also think. Nothing but hurt if you tell your husband. Resolve to NEVER do it again and join AA with your husband. Sounds like drinking to the point where you have an affair is certainly a drinking problem.

Get yourself tested for STDs.

Yes, go to Confession. Do whatever it takes to avoid alcohol and sexual temptation. No, do not tell your husband.

I will get the help for the drinking. I don’t even want to again for fear of what I might do. So unfair to my family. I have no intentions of ever doing it again, but it will be a tough cross to bear knowing I can barely even look at him without crying. Thank you for your prayers we will definitely be needing them.

My advice? Don’t destroy your marriage just so you can feel a little better. Confess to a priest, then let sleeping dogs lie.

And OP, if you don’t plan on telling your husband, please, please, refrain from relations until you are 100% sure you are not infected with anything.

Know that it can take 6 months for AIDS to show up on a test. So, yes, that means no relations with your husband for 6 months. Otherwise you might give him something. Imagine having to tell him that you gave him AIDS.

(I find it amazing that everyone is saying to not tell him. I have seen threads here telling husband’s that it would be wrong to keep something like that from their wife. I believe that you should tell him. He should know that you got drunk enough to betray him. And I believe that you should tell him why you are refraining from relations with him. )

I think going to Confession is the best first step. Talk to the priest and get his advice. Pray a lot.

As you said, the advice can go both ways on this. Once revealed, it cannot be unrevealed. But one thing to ask yourself is how likely it is your husband would find out about this from someone else.

I will pray for you both.

Do not confess to your husband, unless there is a good chance he will find out some other way. You committed the sin and must live with any guilt you have. Consider the guilt your earthly punishment.

You want to tell your husband because you’re not sure if you can live with yourself if don’t. Secular society (which is pro divorce) will say that your husband deserves to know, that way he can divorce you if he likes.

So in closing, if you tell your husband, you will be punishing him for your sins. You already state that this was a one time deal. Go to confession, pray the rosary often, attend daily Mass when you can, and attempt to be a better person in the eyes of God and a better wife. And most importantly stay away from getting drunk and stay away from situations which can lead you to sin again.

Learn to live with the guilt and use it become a better person and offer the suffering it causes you to God.

If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.

May The Lord forgive you and grant you peace.

BTW - get tested for STDs and refrain from sexual intercourse with your husband until you know you are safe.

If you don’t mind me asking you, why not tell your husband. Don’t you think if he finds out later on it’ll be worse?

If you don’t mind me asking you, why not tell your husband. Don’t you think if he finds out later on it’ll be worse?

Most of the similar threads I have seen started by men have much the same advice: don’t make yourself feel better by making your loved ones feel horrible.

I don’t think that telling her husband is secular, it’s the right thing to do. It might not be the best thing now but he has to know.

No I don’t mind you asking. The reasons why I would not tell him is because he just recently became sober through AA I am worried this will send him backwards. Also because he is a football coach and right now his time is so hectic and the stress on him as a head coach is very high. I can’t imagine putting this on his plate too. I know what I did was wrong and the other person involved had a family too. They are trading on ton ice as well. His wife had surgery recently. I don’t want to make things worse for the victims of our mistake. Those would be my only reasons not to tell. Personally I’m just not sure what to do, which is why I asked.

If there is a good chance of the husband finding out (for example, his friends/family saw her with the guy, etc), then it’s better that he hears it from his wife. However, if the changes are slim to none (i.e. - some random person from another company, in another part of the country at a conference); its more compassionate to live with the guilt and spare the husband the pain.

NOTE: This is assuming that the wife is truly repentant and plans avoid near occasions of sin and situations which could lead to her doing this again.

The reason I say that is because I have seen (both men and women) who have had been cheated on, that when the partner does not tell them right away about the affair, that as time goes on, it starts tearing up the person who had the affir. Sometimes the pain is way worse if it’s held in, because as humans the trust issue will come up. I know the OP mentioned that her husband has been sober and she’s afraid that he might fall to drinking again. But imagine, he finds out one way or another about the affir and he has not over come the drinking problem yet, he will fall back into drinking right away, b/c he’s going to find drinking as the solution.

The reason I say “secular” is because in today’s secular society, people are quick to divorce (even Catholics). The secular society teaches that this is betrayal which only has one course of action: divorce.

If this was 50 years ago, I may have advised her to tell her husband and to work it out. However, due to:

  1. him just becoming sober
  2. the way society is today (being so pro-divorce)

I really don’t see any good coming from this. The husband will feel worse and the wife will have a weight lifted from her shoulders. In a way, the wife would feel better by making the husband share in her suffering.

Finally, it sounds like alcohol is the real villain here. It’s possible that the wife may also be an alcoholic like her husband, and this situation might be the proof.

Just confess to your priest he might suggest you tell your husband but I doubt it all it would do is destroy your life avoid drinking and risky situations you say you barely remember were you out st a bar you could have been slipped something your in my prayers

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