Last month was my first confession in i’d say about 8 years. (I’m 18)
I was born and raised a Catholic, cradle Catholic…but i would say like i saw on a post somewhere here a “warm Cradle Catholic”
I never really payed attention to anything. Until now. I don’t want to explain a life long story;) but i can say God has been with me, or was looking after me until I decided to pray and actually not take him for Granted, or anything. So last month i finally decided to go to the Sacrament of Confession, and “come back”. Now, i used to ocassionally attend mass before. But i can say i am not the same beginning of a couple of months back. I actually WANT to be involved in my Catholicism. So i went to confession, a total mess and confessed about my horrible scruples and horrible thoughts (intrusive). The priest was so calming, and caring, and a lady in the line said it was like “talking to Jesus”, the priest at my Parish (my Parish and this Parish are like “sister Parishes” my community one is very small so we do confessions at the other Parish) said the Priest i confessed with was a very spiritual man. Caring-ness just radiates through the man, i honestly was expecting to be like “in trouble” or like i deserve to be “scolded”…none of that happened.
He offered to be my spiritual guide, and we finally met about a couple of days ago, went good. He told me we were going to work on re-wiring my mind and improve overall. NOW, for some reason and I am not sure if it’s my scruples, i feel like i have to run to another priest “just to be sure they are not sins”. And if i do this, it will probably just fuel my scruples and cause me to run around “seeing if they all think the same”, just for like a sense of security. I don’t want to. Tomorrow i plan to do my second confession, and better. I have always had trust issues. It’s hard for me, i have no clue why. I just want to put my self in the trust and guidance of my now spiritual guide, but why can’t i? It’s frustrating.
He told me i was carrying a cross, and i accept it, but it doesn’t have to be so “heavy”, as i make it to be. He is really understanding, calm, carrying man. It just like radiates. And i am not used to that, i have always been really “prideful” and considered myself tough, and i am shedding that off now.
I just want to let go, and trust.
I thought about this small “story” i made yesterday.
Jesus is on the water, He is holding his hand out to me. I have one foot on water, and one foot on land.
Just to let go of my fears and doubts. trusting is a leap of faith for me. I just need encouragement, i dont want to jump on the scruples treadmill again