I am a baptized Christian who is participating in RCIA and looking forward to joining the Church this Easter. When I was 12 I was baptized but lived a very wicked life. I gave my life to Christ in 2005 and received a baptism rite through the Assemblies of God. Even though my life changed and I turned from my sins and began a life in Christ at that time, I understand and agree why the only valid baptism was the first one, because we acknowledge only one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. I agree with the CCC and have no trouble with this part. The thing is, many of the sins that I repented of and turned from in 2005 happened after my Baptism when I was 12 but before I truly gave my life over to Christ, which was marked by what is a symbolic recommittal baptism in 2005. I understand that we are to confess all sins after our Baptism. I have to go back to my only valid baptism, when I was 12, don’t I? I am without peace because I lived a very wicked life during that period, and yet I feel called to Holy Orders, but I fear that some of those sins will keep me from being considered for any higher service. Those I have hurt I have sought reconcilliation with and made amends, and I know that I have received forgiveness from them and from God.
I fear that, like King David, my sins will have ruined God’s plan A for me. If that is so, then I will rejoice in his plan B for me. I know that he knew before I was formed what my sins would be, and if I am called, he will make a way, and that I need to follow God, not the gift. I need some prayer because I am anxious about my confession, about my priest’s reaction, about whether or not he will turn away from allowing me greater participation in the sacraments and hopefully one day serving at the altar.
I was very wicked, and lived as if I could not fill my cup with enough abominations, I actively sought to defile my soul. I am not sure what to expect from my priest after this confession I will give, but I need prayer that I give an honest and courageous confession, and not allow my fear of what that will mean to my future in the Church to keep me from giving a good confession.
If my past sins do disqualify me for Holy Orders, I hope that I will be allowed the grace of a monastic life, where I could enjoy the support of a community of brothers who will stand by me when I share my testimony with others. I know that if I am humble and don’t hold on to my life, that many others who thought that they couldn’t turn to God would hear my story and realize that the Lord is merciful and will repent and turn their lives over to him.
I am full of anxiety and fear, and need your prayers, that I don’t substitute self-preservation or ambition for God’s Will and a holy confession.