Conflicted--don't know what to do anymore =(


#1

Hi,
currently hubby and I have a 5,4,2, and 6 week old baby. At my 6 week check up I recieved some what of a mild scolding for having so many c-sections close togther and refusing to go on birth control. I became upset and began to sort of cry…not ball my eyes out or anything but some tears were shed and I told my DR I wished I could go on birth control but that our beliefs didn’t condone it. She then told me in the hiospital when I delivered my last baby that hubby had joked and said to her “see you in a year or two, im sure!” it was of course a joke (he has joked w ime before as well) but she took it as a chovanist (sp?) thing to say and insinuated that he was forcing me to have babies. She even offered to sneak me into an appt and place an IUD (inter uterine device) saying…"no one will know and there will be no pills around to be accidently found. This may sound awful…but I really wanted to make the appt. :blush: I jst finished getting my LPN and want to obtain my RN within the next year or so. Not to meniton my last little bundle of joy–although FINALLY a girl…is not easy in the least bit…so here’s what happened tonight…

seeing as I just had my check up on Thursday…and was given the OK…hubby wanted to resume relations…so this evening we finally had a moment to ourselves and we began. it was so nice to hold my husband again!! because of the pregnancy it had been quite a while since our last time…but in the middle of it…which this is so unlike me…i BEGGED him not to…you know…inside me. He was so hurt :(:frowning: he actually had the self control to stop and say "then i won’t continue because this goes against the very foundations of what our religion teaches…later on this evening I missed my husband “that way” so much I jumped his bones and tried again lol. but he stopped me and very seriously said only if I was commited to our marriage vows and beliefs. I agreed. and you know what followed. I layed there after having a panic attack, and crying aboout the thought of another baby (alone of course…I didnt want to hurt him) I called my sister and told her I just don’t want anymore bleeping kids and isnt 4 enough!!! and why cant God just understand I feel like I have done my time already!!! she told me to jst go on the BC and not tell hubby…I feel so alone. :shrug:

In Christ,
Nicole


#2

Have you mentioned these feelings to your husband?

It might be good for the two of you to learn about Natural Family Planning, to be able to space out your kids so that you are not so tired out all the time.

As Catholics, we are not required to become like baby factories - it's perfectly okay to pace ourselves. Natural Family Planning is a safe, natural, way to do that, in such a way as it does not violate any of the teachings of the Church. :)


#3

[quote="AngelEyes4Jesus, post:1, topic:228995"]
She even offered to sneak me into an appt and place an IUD (inter uterine device) saying.."no one will know and there will be no pills around to be accidently found."

[/quote]

Hi Nicole,

First children are not a curse but a blessing and while I know your probably rolling your eyes you should pray to take it to heart. We are here to love, honor, and serve God not ourselves and you serve God very well by having children. Secondly the best birth control one can do is abstinence :thumbsup: No pills with that or complications from an IUD...AND your woulnt be sinning and sacrificing your soul for eternity just so you can knock boots without having to be open to life. :) This would also allow you to complete your studies and start your career. Doesnt sound like your hubby would be against this either since it sounds like he wants it Gods way or no way at all (which is the mark of a very good husband).

Birth Control = no kids = Hell

Abstinence = no kids = Heaven

Its all about sacrifice as Christ shows us by His life. I hope things get better for you.


#4

thx for your reply…yes we actually began using NFP after baby #3…as a matter of fact I thought we were using it perfectly which is why little baby Annabelle was such a big surprize!! I am so scared now of another surprize I dunno what to do…im not saying i am not open to more children down the road…but i feel so closed off to the idea right now…although if i were to find out I was pregnant again now, i would still welcome it with open arms. :slight_smile:

In Christ,
Nicole


#5

[quote="jmcrae, post:2, topic:228995"]
As Catholics, we are not required to become like baby factories - it's perfectly okay to pace ourselves. Natural Family Planning is a safe, natural, way to do that, in such a way as it does not violate any of the teachings of the Church. :)

[/quote]

NFP has to be done for the right reasons or else it is against the teachings of the Church. Last time I checked using NFP so as to be able to have sex without having kids so one can further their career is not an approved reason to use NFP. You will want to speak to your priest about using NFP.


#6

[quote="Heliotropium, post:5, topic:228995"]
NFP has to be done for the right reasons or else it is against the teachings of the Church. Last time I checked using NFP so as to be able to have sex without having kids so one can further their career is not an approved reason to use NFP. You will want to speak to your priest about using NFP.

[/quote]

:confused:

I'm not sure what furthering a career has to do with this thread. The lady has four children under the age of six - I doubt she is going away to work every day. NFP would allow her to wait until this child is two years of age, before starting the next pregnancy, which would give her time to get her strength back. It would be for reasons of health.


#7

thank you, JMCRAE. u really understood my post. :slight_smile:

I have had 4 c sections in under 5 years. I am open to more children in the future not now because I have 4 under 5-- 1 of which has been a very dificult baby. I feel overwhelemd, exausted and unable to divide my time with all the babies, house work, hubby, work, and school. and you are correct I am not working everyday…I am looking for a nursing position that I can work 3 --12 hour shifts (friday-sunday) so as to be home w my children during the week ( hubby will take them on the weekends). Wanting to further my education and in turn my career is so that I can make more money because right now my husband is the sole income for a family of 6. He is self employed…owns a succeful company he started when he was only 19…and although this has been very lucrative for us…the economy has made it very rough to sustain our house/children on only the income from the company.

In Christ,
Nicole


#8

Hi Nicole,

You sound overwhelmed with your last birth experience. Did you doctor suggest looking into Postpartum depression? I think that would have been more helpful than sneeking you in for an IUD and not letting your husband know. Also, try to find a pro-life OB that can help you make a decision on your fetility that follows your religious beliefs. That OB is not helping you!! You need one that understands and respects your faith, and will work with you and give you honest medical advice, not her opinions. Let your husband know your fears of the future. He is your help mate, and he needs to be let in. God Bless.


#9

Hi Nicole,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a very trying time. My prayers are with you

CM


#10

AngelEyes,

I have no advice, but be assured that you, your husband and wonderful children are in the prayers of the people on this board. God loves you.

God bless,
Dan


#11

I’m sorry, that doctor really put you in a difficult position, trying to introduce a barrier between spouses. It was underhanded and unprofessional. I also second getting tested for postpartum depression; I also had a bunch of kids really close together, and my life would have been a lot easier if I’d figured that out. I know we’re all supposed to have it all together, and be supermom, and keep up a stoic front, but it’s OK to need help. Ask around church for a good doctor, one who can try and make life better for you, not one who’ll just put you on ABC so he won’t have to deal with your real issues.
Now, since it sounds like you have good health reasons to space children, I recommend the Marquette NFP. I have a friend who was only extremely dangerous medication who CANNOT conceive while on it, and she uses this. It’s been very sucessful. Basically, it’s pee-on-a-stick and check for fertitlity hormones. Less room for human error that way.


#12

[quote="AngelEyes4Jesus, post:1, topic:228995"]
. This may sound awful..but I really wanted to make the appt. :blush: I jst finished getting my LPN and want to obtain my RN within the next year or so. Not to meniton my last little bundle of joy--although FINALLY a girl..is not easy in the least bit

[/quote]

Sorry this is what made it sound like you wanted birth control for more than just health reasons . My apologies if I misunderstood you.


#13

Hi, first off I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. :hug1: I will pray for you.

I can only give you my opinion here, just like everyone else here. In the end you will have to make up your own decision.

First off I will preface this by saying I personally have no problem with birth control, but that’s just me.

Now if you do choose to go on birth control the one thing I can’t say strongly enough is DON’T USE AN IUD!

Seriously, they’re not good. First off they work by causing the fertilized egg to not attach to the uterine wall. They don’t stop ovulation. Also if you do happen to get pregnant on it, you are in deep trouble. Often a pregnancy on an IUD will cause you to loose your fertility. And last but certainly not least, there is a chance if you get pregnant on an IUD, YOU WILL DIE.

Now I can’t advise you either way, it’s your decision, but you do seem like having another child at this time will be VERY hard on you AND your marriage. You might even, subconsciously, resent your husband for getting you pregnant. That’s not going to be very good at all.

Now I know almost everyone here will advocate NFP. However you said you were already on it and got pregnant. That’s because it’s not as effective as real birth control. Just remember if you got pregnant once on it, chances are you will again.

Now again, I can’t tell you what to do. You have to make that choice yourself. I can only give you my opinions on this. I really do feel for you though honey. You seem to be in a lot of pain and I would hate to see you get pregnant again and it to really destroy your family. :frowning:

Prayers hunny. :gopray2: Stay strong. :hug3:


#14

Sorry but it sounds like your husband is guilttripping you and treating you like a little girl. It sounds like “seperation anxiety” and fear of disaproval from him is what made you go to sleep with him even if you actually felt so badly afterwards.
You need to tell him that you dont wanna be pregnant at this time because you are overwhelmed and that you felt that anxiety. Maybe the answer is to abstain more.


#15

[quote="Anna_jane, post:11, topic:228995"]
I'm sorry, that doctor really put you in a difficult position, trying to introduce a barrier between spouses. It was underhanded and unprofessional. I also second getting tested for postpartum depression; I also had a bunch of kids really close together, and my life would have been a lot easier if I'd figured that out. I know we're all supposed to have it all together, and be supermom, and keep up a stoic front, but it's OK to need help. Ask around church for a good doctor, one who can try and make life better for you, not one who'll just put you on ABC so he won't have to deal with your real issues.
Now, since it sounds like you have good health reasons to space children, I recommend the Marquette NFP. I have a friend who was only extremely dangerous medication who CANNOT conceive while on it, and she uses this. It's been very sucessful. Basically, it's pee-on-a-stick and check for fertitlity hormones. Less room for human error that way.

[/quote]

good point :thumbsup: I agree with this.


#16

Oh, honey. You sound so overwhelmed :tiphat:. I am so amazed and awed that you can do it with four teeny ones. You are honestly an inspiration - even though you might not feel like it.
Sounds like you need NFP help. Is there a local resource (Couple-to-Couple League) you can consult? I would check out "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and ask for lots and lots of help on these forums.
Sounds like you also need checked for PPD. It happens a lot - it happened to me while I was pregnant (technically prenatal depression), and it's scary and awful and isolating and makes it hard to even keep a good relationship with God. Get help! And there are meds you can take that are compatible with breastfeeding.
Is there someone who can come help you, even once a week - a friend, a local homeschooled teenager, a family member? Getting out of the house alone would really, really help you find yourself and get a break.

I'll be praying for you. Please keep posting/talking. We're all here for you.


#17

[quote="GraceDK, post:14, topic:228995"]
Sorry but it sounds like your husband is guilttripping you and treating you like a little girl. It sounds like "seperation anxiety" and fear of disaproval from him is what made you go to sleep with him even if you actually felt so badly afterwards.
You need to tell him that you dont wanna be pregnant at this time because you are overwhelmed and that you felt that anxiety. Maybe the answer is to abstain more.

[/quote]

I didn't get that at all from the OP's post. To me it seemed like she was the one who--in the MIDDLE of love-making!--asked her husband to end the act in a sinful manner. Then, when he was able to control himself sufficiently to neither sin nor yet do what she had asked him not to do (complete the act appropriately), he was understandably cautious about being drawn on by her into an act she would again want to end sinfully.

I understand feeling overwhelmed. I have six children of my own. I have three children three and under. I broke both bones in my right leg when the youngest was only a month old. I DO understand that. But sin is not the answer.

I did not get any sort of "guilt-trip" impression about the husband's behavior. In fact, he was the one who seemed to be more okay with abstinence than the OP was! SHE was the one who came onto him later on, and he was only willing to go along with her if she were willing to complete the act in a moral manner. He did not approach her; she approached him.

(If the roles were reversed, if it were a woman who was anxious to keep her conscience clear and a husband who simply wanted to have sex without babies, what would the posters here say? :rolleyes:)


#18

[quote="Sillara, post:17, topic:228995"]
I didn't get that at all from the OP's post. To me it seemed like she was the one who--in the MIDDLE of love-making!--asked her husband to end the act in a sinful manner. Then, when he was able to control himself sufficiently to neither sin nor yet do what she had asked him not to do (complete the act appropriately), he was understandably cautious about being drawn on by her into an act she would again want to end sinfully.

I understand feeling overwhelmed. I have six children of my own. I have three children three and under. I broke both bones in my right leg when the youngest was only a month old. I DO understand that. But sin is not the answer.

I did not get any sort of "guilt-trip" impression about the husband's behavior. In fact, he was the one who seemed to be more okay with abstinence than the OP was! SHE was the one who came onto him later on, and he was only willing to go along with her if she were willing to complete the act in a moral manner. He did not approach her; she approached him.

(If the roles were reversed, if it were a woman who was anxious to keep her conscience clear and a husband who simply wanted to have sex without babies, what would the posters here say? :rolleyes:)

[/quote]

You are right.
I should have thought more carefully before I gave my oppinion. I just felt so sorry for the OP because she wrote about her anxiety. Indeed the task for the OP here is to communicate to her husband that she is overwhelmed and doesn't wish more children at this time and then together work on either abstaining or studying more about NFP


#19

Please find a new doctor! What that doctor did was really terrible, although I'm sure she thought she would be helping you. It amounts to encouraging you to live a lie with your husband! Very shocking. If you got pregnant again would she advise you to abort???:eek:

You sound as though you might be depressed, it's not from any failure of yours, it's from the depletion of bodily chemicals through pregnancy and childbirth and stress. You probably need some help at home and some anti-depressants for a little while.

Please don't go behind your husband's back and use ABC!!!! The people on this forum have used NFP successfully and they know the right methods that really work. My heart goes out to you.

And your husband would find out soon enough that you had contracepted - if you could just have sex with abandon, what would he say/do? What a betrayal that would be! I'm not trying to guilt-trip you for thinking about it, not at all, but that doctor just makes me angry - she should not have suggested such a deceptive action.


#20

Thank you so much for all the replies. I would like to clarify something though. I don’t want it to come off like I want to have sex with reckless abandon. :eek: I was aching for my husband not on merely a sexual level. my husband and I had not had relations due to the pregnancy sense October. For a total of 5 months. When I say I missed my husband it is meant in the manner of simply being in the marital embrace from an ‘emotional’ standpoint…not sexual. The physical part obviously comes along with it, but my desire for it was based on the fact that I longed for my husband because I was tired,/ sad etc of living as ‘brother and sister’. Does that make an sense or convey what I am trying to say? :confused: I really wanted to reconnect with him.

I did speak to my husband about not wanting anymore children and he said his biggest fear is having another child and he is in fact overwhelmed and just as desperate :eek: but that you can’t ‘cherry pick’ which doctrines you live by. you are either faithful or not. He said NFP was the only way, and if we were to become pregnant again, he would except it as God’s will and know that God had a plan for us. I prayed to Jesus and thanked him for sendig me such a wonderful spiritual leader for me and our children…i know thats part of God’s devine plan and why the hubby is supposed to be the head of the house hold ( in a spiritual manner) and then I spoke/complained that although I will comply…it doesnt mean im happy about it. :confused:

In Christ,
Nicole


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