Confrontation of your partner about lies


#1

hey everyone!

recently i was browsing on my partners computer and came across something that really wasn’t hidden nor would i have any reason not to look at it, as it had my name on it…

anyhow, this word document had some subject matter in it which directly contradicted something that my partner has told me. this, on a subject that is fairly serious in our relationship, although has no bearing on where the future will go as it’s all in the past

my question is: should i confront my partner about their dishonesty, even though i have no reason to believe that they lie about anything that has a bearing on our future?

It’s just this one thing in that past that they have lied about and it somewhat makes me question if they have lied about other parts of their past or if they will lie to me in the future. the past is the past, i believe, so it doesn’t bother me that i know the truth of this “subject” but my real concern is their honesty, what should i do?

any clarification needed, please post and i’ll answer asap

thank you!


#2

I am confused… are we talking about a business partner, spouse, or someone you are dating? How are you meaning partner?

If dating, is marriage a consideration?


#3

Andrew, if you are talking about a girlfriend or wife, can you please say she instead of they? Can you please also give us an indication about the seriousness of the lie?

Did she say she found you attractive from day one and then write that at one time she did not but now does? Or did she say that she never had doubts and then write that she did?

Or did she say that she was a virgin and write that she wasn’t?

Or say that she did not steal something and write that she did?

What type of relationship you have also changes the response. The level of openess she is obligated to share with you is different if she is a girlfriend, a fiancee, or a wife.

If this is a male homosexual relationship or business partner, the advice also changes. As the previous poster stated, you haven’t given us enough to work on.


#4

Since this partner didn’t make any real effort to hide it according to you, I would have to default to good faith and assume there is a misunderstanding rather than a deliberate attempt to deceive, but as others said, we need more detail.


#5

Yeah full out clarification is needed to assess the situation :slight_smile:


#6

dating and marriage is a common topic, sorry i should have clarified that in the original post


#7

yes, it’s a girlfriend, sorry my english could be a little better. the lie is of about a previous relationship, one that i never knew existed - she basically mentioned she had only been in 2 relationships, but now it’s 3 since i found out of this word document, possibly more, i don’t know how many!

we have high hopes of marriage and always keep in mind how important courting is with one another and the values of a relationship on it’s way to marriage

thanks for the questions i hope my clarification helps


#8

Does the past relationship have any bearing on your relationship now? If it does not, and she has moved on (if there was any sin, she has confessed it) - let it go.


#9

i understand this concept, the problem i am facing is different. i am concerned with her truthfulness and don’t know how to confront her about it or if i should at all, the past doesn’t bother me, it’s the future


#10

Personally, I would bring it up. I wouldn’t go in ranting and raving and get in her face or anything. I’d be calm, unaccusatory and give her the opportunity to explain. If she gets defensive then maybe there is more and she’s not as she seems. I would guess if you’ve been dating for awhile you have a decent ability to read her.

Good Luck & sorry you’re having to deal with this but better now than after you say I DO!


#11

Do you normally snoop on her computer when you visit her place of residence or work?


#12

we’re very close, practically engaged but not officially, she has stated multiple times that what hers is mine and i have stated whats mine is hers… i was using her computer to check my e-mail which is nothing out of the ordinary as i’ve done it before. i saw a document on her desktop with my name on it as well as another guys, so i opened it as it had my name on it, and it’s almost like she was comparing us. i really didn’t want to have to come to say that but it seems that it has been drawn out of me with all the questions, i should have been more clear in my original post… thanks for the help


#13

Hmmm…so she allows you to use her computer but does not take precautions to hide what could be embarassing? Is it possible that she is trying to tell you something or open up a topic of conversation? Or is she just not that smart about guarding her “sensitive material”?


#14

If this document is on her desktop and is comparing you to him then it isn’t something old she’s long since forgotten about. I’d be concerned that she didn’t tell you about this relationship which is so important to her that she compares you to it. I would say that you read it and are hurt that she didn’t feel she could trust you with her past, but at the same time if it were me, I’d have a really hard time believing whatever she says in response. She’s going to be surprised and under pressure and if she’s a liar by nature already then she’ll most likely lie when you confront her. It would take me a long time to feel that she had shared all herself with me and was engaging in full, open, and honest conversation, especially when it came to the tough issues.

Do you ever see her lie to other people? If she’s late somewhere, will she tell the truth or make an excuse? Does she tell white lies to get by on social pleasantries? If she’s having a rotten day and another thing doesn’t go her way, will she start fibbing under pressure? If you see her lying to others then it is likely she’s lying to you, too. It is a terrible habit to break.


#15

well, she is somewhat forgetful and i’m not really sure if she forget it was there or if she was leaving it for me to find, if she left it there on purpose i wouldn’t have any idea how to start a conversation about it, wouldn’t it be easier for her to just ask me whatever she wants to know?


#16

Is she a manipulative and vengeful type of person? Does she plot and plan how to deal with people or situations that are not to her liking? If she isn’t like that, it is unlikely that she intentionally left it for you to find. It is more likely that she was writing it, didn’t realize she saved it to the desktop, flew out the door for something or another, and didn’t realize you might see it the next day when you were over.


#17

from how long i have been with her and the type of person she is, i just don’t think this is a recent thing

she is never late anywhere and doesn’t lie to others, she’s a very Catholic Christian girl and it’s why this is so confusing to me


#18

How long have you known this girl? Have you only been dating her for a few months, or have you been dating for a couple years?

If you’ve only been dating her for a few months, there may be other things that she’s still hiding. With time, the truth will come out eventually.


#19

I think it’s wise to bring it up–in a non confrontational way. The past is the past, but dishonesty can rear its ugly head again–and that is more of what you’re talking about here. Good luck, and hope it goes well.


#20

Abb, I understand your concerns. I’ve been in some such situations.

First, I suggest that you look at what a good Catholic girl she is. Don’t let evil thoughts get their way. And give her the benefit of doubt. There’s probably a good explanation for everything and even if she’s done something not exactly plausible, there’s probably an explanation for that which makes it looks less bad because it’s a weakness and not malice.

Consider that she’s been open with you to the point of letting you use her computer to check your mail, telling you what’s hers is yours etc. Okay, friends let you use their computers too, but this girl practically left her secrets all open before you so far as they were on the hard drive.

I would ask her, maybe not confront her, but ask her. You need to know and you deserve to know. Until she tells you, you don’t know anything concrete, so you don’t need to presume anything (or it will likely prove false). Just ask her. Until she tells you - presume the best for her, try not to draw too many conclusions.

If there is a direct contradiction between what she said to you early and what she wrote in that document, then you may want to let her know that and see how she explains it. All of us can be caught with a “direct” contradiction over a time long enough, with a large enough number of conversation to draw information from.

See… Perhaps she had two boyfriends and the third guy wasn’t a boyfriend? Maybe they had some relationship but it didn’t have the name or status of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship? Or maybe they had no relationship, they were simply in love? In fact, it’s even possible that her definitions changed or that they were different in each conversation she had. This is rare, but sometimes it happens. A real direct contradiction would be something like, “I don’t know that guy,” contrasted with, “I loved him and we were a couple,” or, “I’ve had two boyfriends,” and, “I’ve had three boyfriends.” These are very clear contradictions. Telling you that she has had two boyfriends and then writing about some other guy she loved is not yet a direct contradiction. Perhaps there are some omissions, some lack of clarity, some confusion, some genuine mistake, some inconsistency, maybe a contradiction, but not really a direct contradiction of the kind I described above, comparable to contradiction in a clear yes/no matter. She has some explaining to do, but this doesn’t mean she’s lying.

Also, even if she has actually lied to you, her reaction afterwards is still important. People have different weaknesses. Some people lie but are good people. Some people never lie but often do worse things. Besides, do you prefer people who lie because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or because they’re afraid, or people who never lie because they are too arrogant and they don’t care what others think or feel?

If it turns out there’s a game being played, I would run. However, it doesn’t seem likely in your case. I think the girl just got lost in her feelings and confused. Perhaps she said some things which weren’t exactly truthful and now she’s struggling with setting it right. I would be inclined to see it as just a weakness, maybe even a singular one, if she were genuinely sorry and if it were obvious she loved you. Conscious, repeat lies which are aimed at manipulating you and getting things from you or making you behave in some way, that’s another story. From that you need to run. But as I said - that seems unlikely in your case. Habitual lying also seems unlikely in this case.

This comes from someone who has experienced a lot of lie.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.