I am new to this, so please try to be understanding. I am catholic and deeply respect the sacredness of marriage; but for many years, in fact perhaps since the beginning of my marriage, I have often thought of leaving my husband.
Our marriage was not conventional. I dated him for over 5 years. It was on and off. A very tumultous relationship. I was young,happy and innocent, he was older,street smart and experienced. At first this intrigued me. However, signs went up in my head to be weary and keep it really slow. He however, was ready to be serious. He waited for some time but insisted and pursued me. I resorted to giving him a chance and that is when it all started.
To make a long story short, I became pregnant and was not sure of what I was to do. I decided to marry him. We were excited and happy. It didn’t last long. Soon after the marriage we experienced serious problems. His family and mine had a fight and put us in between. He naturally took his side and I was trying to be the voice of reason. He and his family ostracized me; forcing me to take sides. I was not allowed to see my family. I began to rebel. At this he became verbally abusive. When his parents were around they joined in the taunting and insults. Keep in mind, that I am pregnant.
I was distraugt and I wanted to leave him then before our child was born. He threatened me. I was afraid. My family didn’t keep in touch with me because they did not want to interfere. I was alone and distressed. Only my LORD was there for me.
It is now over 10 years later and I always have the thought of leaving him but never had the courage to do so. He refused therapy, counselling and he insisted that I was the problem. He never did anything wrong. Even with witnesses, he insists he never did anything wrong. I learned to protect our children by submitting myself to God and to him. I avoided arguments but it was inevitable. I could not do anything. He left me with ultimatims which I resisted but then accepted because of the threat of losing my children.
He was physically, mentally, and verbally abusive. I began to console myself with learning new religions and studying with them. It was helpful. But it lead me to more confusion. I kept steady in my faith and prayed.
My children saw me suffer, I thought I was protecting them but I fear I made a grave mistake. I got over what he did to me somewhat but I cannot forgive him for doing this in front of our children. I can honestly say that I am so distressed to the point of hating him.
Today he has made progress; but I have not forgotten. Everyday, I wonder when he will just lose it and do it again. He now and then gets really angry and we fight; but I fight right back. I will not even give him an inch. There is a lot of tension because of this.
I don’t know what to do. I tried to forgive and forget but then he does or says something that will bring back those feelings and I become very stressed to the point where I cannot function properly. I take it on my children. I don’t like what I have become. I don’t feel safe anymore. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t enjoy my life.
Please help me. I tried therapy but bringing up the past only gives me nightmares. I want to go forward but I can’t; I feel as long as I am with him I am trapped.
Sorry for the lengthy thread. I had to speak out somewhere.