Confused and not figuring out Gods will


#1

Hello I need some advice my wife and I will be married 6 years November 29th We have 3 beautiful children 5, 3, and almost 2 :). Problem is she has left and is contemplating whether she wants to stay married or not. I believe she has already made her decision which is to divorce :frowning: Well as you can tell that is one issue in its self. Where I stand, I absolutely do not want a divorce. She is unwilling to speak to our Priest or a therapist. This hurts very much that she is not willing to do anything to try and work out the marriage. We had a good marriage compared to a lot of other marriages. There was/is another guy involved supposedly she hasn’t been unfaithful physically I will take her word for it :confused: . She told me that she needed time to herself to figure things out. She told me she told him the same thing which upsets me because she shouldn’t have had to tell him any thing to begin with BTW it is her boss :thumbsup: . Her company has policy of supervisors not being romantically involved with their subordinates. I have thought very seriously to report this to their HR department, then I think it would be petty even though she is my wife. If she chooses to love another, although wrong I can’t stop her. That is my first question should I report it or not?
More importantly, I am concerned about my children. She has been to Mass once in four months which means she is not fulfilling her obligation as a Catholic. After that Mass is when she told me she wanted to separate. She isn’t going to Mass, she doesn’t seem to have any regard at all for the Trinity, she doesn’t have a Bible or even a Crucifix in her home. I don’t want me children raised this way! I want them to have the truth I have but it seems they will be torn how I feel about faith and her lack of faith. I know when they are at the age of reason it will be their choice on what they believe. For now though I want the foundation built so when they do reach that age of reason they will believe in the truth. What am I supposed to do?
I don’t mind carrying this Cross but I have no idea where God is going with this one. I do believe though where ever he is taking me it will be for the best :wink:

Gratefully Yours in the Trinity,
Michael


#2

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. If I were you, I might try to hire a private investigator to get evidence of adultery on her part. I wouldn’t turn her in to the HR department because I’d want to get the evidence first. At this point, you just have to think of your children. If you decide she is too immoral to raise the children, it will be easier for you to get custody.

Praying that she comes to her senses and realizes what a gift marriage and children are…

God bless you during this difficult time.


#3

God’s Will is Love. He, as Love, is His Own Will. God’s Will is Mercy. He, as Mercy, is His Own Will. God’s Will is Justice. He, as Justice, is His Own Will. God’s Will is Holiness. He, as Holiness, is His Own Will.

Speak with a priest.


#4

Hello LOVEMYBOYS thank you for your advice. I do have proof in text form from him stating that he would honor my request of giving us space to try and work on our marriage. Also, my wife didn’t want to be honest about him but God had other plans to reveal the truth. She has a book that she said she borrowed from her mom “The Notebook”. I asked her if I could see it because I wanted to explain to her how our lives mirrored the couple in the book. She retrieved the book but was hesitant on handing it to me that set up a huge red flag. I immediately went to the inside of the front cover and sure enough it was from him with a sweet little note. I took the cover refused to give it back to her which got her really upset and I think she knew it could be used against her for custody of the children I would definitely use it if need be. If the divorce does occur I want full custody so I didn’t give it back then, but I made a copy of it and then I gave it back to her. I have already forgiving her for this and told her it would not stop me from moving forward with our marriage if she chose to. I’m not perfect so I would hope if the shoe was on the other foot she could forgive me but who knows. What do you think?


#5

Been there, you are not a lone. As another person has already advised, get a PI and start gathering the evidence needed to prove adultery (if there is any). IF she does decide to seek a civil divorce, you REALLY need to focus on your children. Hopefully, your wife will willingly give you full custody (my wife said she was tired of being both a wife AND a mother) and so I was able to finish raising the children without a fight. However your children are still pretty young and if they were to leave the Church now because mom got custody and decided that the Church wasn’t up to her standards, it could be really bad for your children.

Man, I feel for you brother! Hang in there and I’ll pray that your wife comes to her senses!


#6

Eucharistic I totally agree. I am full of love for all as instructed to be I even have love for the other guy, I don’t like him of course but I do have love for him as a human being. That’s why this is so confusing I want to love my wife more than any thing except God. Is it possible that he feels my love for him or maybe her for him is not where it should be and he is trying to grow one or both of our faith. Or should I put it this way, is it possible he is taken one of us away from each other to strengthen our faith whether we stay together or not. I love but I don’t know what he wants and I have been trying vigorously to figure it out but no response yet.


#7

Tietjen thank you for the encouragement. With out the children I am miserable. Right now I do have them majority of the time so I am trying to set a good example for them. They know here Grace is said before all meals. I guess some times they don’t know what they are saying because they really shouldn’t tell me some of the things they do. They love saying Grace and so I have been told mommy doesn’t make us say Grace at her house and that bothers them. Me too.


#8

First, you seem like very devoted husband, father, and Catholic. Kudos.

Second, I can’t stress this enough, pray, pray, pray, pray. I never thought much about the power of prayer until a Jesuit on the other side of the country started praying for me daily and it turned my life around.


#9

What your wife is doing isn’t “God’s will”. And it would appear that what she is acting out of isn’t love but attraction and self-will. Not to practice her faith is a way of rejecting anything that stands in the way of her attraction and selfish behaviour. Others have free will, so you have no effective power over what she does. This leaves you to have to continue to do right and act for the best interests of the children alone. And that is painful. I’m truly sorry for what you’re going through.
May God and your family and friends comfort and strengthen you and your children. May God touch your wife’s mind and spirit.

This is God’s will…but you wife doesn’t wish to follow it.

For the married, “a wife must not leave her husband–or if she does leave him, she must either remain unmarried or else make it up with her husband–nor must a husband send his wife away.” [Corinthians 7:10-11] For Jesus said, “Have you not read that from the beginning, the creator made them male and female and this is why a man must leave father and mother, and cling to his wife, and the two become one body? They are no longer two, therefore, but one body. So, then, what God has united, man must not divide.” [Matthew 19:4-6]
“Husbands, love your wives and treat them with gentleness.” [Colossians 3:19] “Give way to one another in obedience to Christ. Wives should regard their husband as they do the Lord…Husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the Church…each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself; and let every wife respect her husband.” [Ephesians 5:21, 25, 33]


#10

OP, your heart is in the right place. I’d resist the urge to blame yourself-- sometimes people listen to this tainted culture we live in and the devil wins. There’s still time, though, to show her what a nice guy you are. If you’re really interested in getting her back, I’d pray like others have said, but I’d also start romancing her. You’re allowed to romance your own wife, after all. I think women sometimes get off track in marriage because some other guy promises the “romance” that all women love. What they don’t realize is that every guy will eventually get lazy in that department. Specifically, I’d send her roses and gifts and I’d show total support for her emotionally. Do something romantic every week. Tell her how much you love her and miss her. Write poems about your life with her. Take it from me, women LOVE that stuff… If you show negativity, it would drive her away more. Have you watched the movie FIREPROOF? You might get a LOT from this movie. Watch that movie A.S.A.P. The couple in this movie is in this same situation. Also the book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Laura Schlessinger explains how the culture taints women’s brains with feminist ideas that ruin marriages.


#11

Wow. This is just what I was going to say!

So…um…I have no idea why I even posted…um…er…

In all seriousness, I’m praying for your situation.


#12

By reporting him to HR, you may protect the other young women he is preying on or will target in the future - men like this do not only do this one time.


#13

Her company has policy of supervisors not being romantically involved with their subordinates. I have thought very seriously to report this to their HR department, then I think it would be petty even though she is my wife. If she chooses to love another, although wrong I can’t stop her. That is my first question should I report it or not?

Agree with the PI thing. It’s a matter of power dynamics. He shouldn’t be engaging. Doesn’t matter if he feels something or not. He is in a position to her as a priest to parishioner, doctor to patient, therapist to client, etc. So, I’m not sure how much choice would be in her choice. It’s not necessarily a blatant abuse thing, but he does have the power advantage and so it would be very confusing for her. But get evidence; very important. Will pray for you both and your kids.


#14

I don’t have any advice but you and your family will be in my prayers.


#15

Trishie I agree she is not doing Gods will. I have tried to explain this to her that it is the Devil that wants us to be apart. I try not to beat her over the head with the Godly aspect of marriage such as the Holy Bible Verses you have noted. I do bring up the vows we took and how it is a Covenant with God that we should not break at any cost well not this any way. The reasons for a valid annulment such danger to spouse or children and so forth. I believe I will have just reason for an annulment I have thought of doing it when I feel like giving up before a civil divorce which is allowed but when I feel like giving up some thing comes to me immediately after thinking this. I can only explain it is through others Relevant Radio, TV shows that I wouldn’t expect it to come from, of curse church like last weeks readings. I felt like God was torturing me or showing me not to give up. I realize it isn’t God torturing me. My family is heart broken over this I have no Idea how her family thinks about it but knowing them they could care less. Thank you for your post and kind words of family, friends, children and hoping God touches my wife’s mind and spirit I hope for the same thing. God Bless you!


#16

LOVEMYBOYS my heart doesn’t seem to matter to her and I guess that is life but thank you. I definitely could have been a better husband in certain ways. One would have been to PRACTICE LOVE to keep the flame burning but some how we drifted apart emotionally and I do blame my self for that though not completely but I should have done more : ( We saw Fireproof and I loved the movie it was a lot like our situation. I was moved by the movie and the book it was based on “Love Dare”. It did nothing to her in fact she couldn’t wait 10 minutes after watching the movie to text him that was a knife in the heart and took a lot nerve but what could I do except smash her phone which crossed my mind. That wouldn’t have done any thing she would have just got a new one. Plus I paid for it LOL We also watched “Why Did I get Married” again nothing but at least she didn’t text him 10 minutes later.


#17

Rascalking humor is good, so thank you. Also, what is better then prayers at this point. NOT A THING Thank you & God Bless you!!


#18

kage__ar Here is a funny thing (being sarcastic of course) he is married also. He makes me sick because his wife was in the Army and was in Iraq and I have been told it mentally damaged her so I feel more sorry for her then myself. He wasn’t man enough to stand by her and help her through this I also told my wife what you wrote she probably isn’t the first and won’t be the last. She thinks I’m full of it.


#19

*I’m sorry you’re going through this, this is very tough. :frowning: I don’t think I’d go the route of reporting this to her HR Dept. I mean, what’s the ultimate that can happen. The fact that your wife is willingly reciprocating, doesn’t sound like he is pressuring her in any way. Sexual harassment isn’t consentual romance. It’s more when a person in authority causes a situation to occur, where he pressures his subordinates and a hostile environment ensues. Her text messaging him right after Fireproof, doesn’t sound like she is trying to fight off his advances. He could lose his job, she could lose hers. I mean, that is all that might happen, it won’t change the fact that she is interested in him.

When people turn to people outside of their marriage, it’s often not about the spouse who’s left behind or even the marriage. It’s more about something that your wife might feel she is missing insdie. Sometimes, the problem within the person who is cheating, or about to cheat, was there before he/she married, and the marriage just brought it out. Yes, we all have moments in our marriages, when we might fail to do our best. But, I imagine something is more at play here. Just my thoughts.

I will pray that your wife chooses to end this relationship and give herself fully back to you and the marriage. The devil is alive and well, and loves to destroy the family. I am praying that your marriage prevails. God bless, and keep us posted. *


#20

Bailey2 I never thought of the examples you put but so right. I have evidence, evidence that hurts but I have it. Thank you for the Prayers. God Bless You.


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