I never dreamed or fantasized about marriage being a little girl - all I wanted to do was become a doctor and have a dog and live with friends. Being 21, I have not had a boyfriend, spoken to a guy online whom I never met but that was it. I’ve been thinking about becoming a nun for a while but my mind is very conflicted.
The reasons I have for becoming a nun is because I feel it might be for me. I care a lot about other people and feel their pain as my own. If I see an elderly person in the store not affording to pay for food, it kills me inside and that day is ruined. Somehow, I feel I don’t really belong in this world. I’m shy, introverted, feel everyone’s emotions,too emotional, too sensitive etc. People always say why are you so quiet. I’m not cool/hot/witty or anything like that. As I mentioned, never had a boyfriend. I have gotten rejected by many guys when I tried for example adding them on Facebook. My health is not good, although I don’t have a diagnosed disease I am often really tired (have gone to the doctors endless times with no results), nausea on and off, bowel pain… I would not make a good wife, because i doubt many men want a wife that’s either tired or has nausea, is boring, unattractive. I’ve tried wearing a lot of makeup, wearing trendier clothes but that gives me even less attention from men.
I wouldn’t be a good mother either. In my freetime I volunteer for a Church and sometimes there are children’s groups there. I like the kids and they like me when we are playing and such, but I cannot make them listen to me at all. Other women can come and say ‘‘no, sit there’’ and they listen but when I do, they don’t care… Not only that but childbirth will be a huge challenge for me because of some troubles I have, so the only option for me would be a C-section.
Anyway, all of the above leads me to think I’m not meant for marriage and that maybe being a nun is for me. I have contacted some monasteries and one is really interested. Being a nun would be great in so many ways. I could focus on God, helping people who are lonely etc.
But I’m so scared. Scared to maybe wake up in 20 years and think that I made a mistake. One part of me thinks I’m meant to be a sister, another thinks that maybe I want a husband. One side of me yearns for the love and care of a man, romance, a man’s attention etc. But because of all the reasons listed above, I don’t think I’m suitable for that. Can someone please offer any advice. I truly do not know what to do.