Confused over marrying non virgin


#1

i am writing this mail in utter confusion.
to tell in brief … i am a catholic,my marriage with a particular girl is fixed. once it was fixed she started calling me and i too love her as i find her a nice girl . but after one month she began to tell me about her past life.
she had a love affair with a guy and even had sexual relations with him for 2 years. when she told her home about him her parents did not allowed her to marry him. she loved her parents and did not want to disobey them even though they hurt her a lot. her father is an alocholic. still she obeyed them out of her love for them.
she became so broken hearted in her life with out him. she had a good friend in the college and began to confide her troubles to him. later she became so attached to him and had sexual realtions with him.
when she told about him at her home her parents did not allowed her to marry him also. she literally became broken down. but still she couldnt disobey her parents.
after years her parents came up with a new proposal and thats me. she loves me so dearly and say to me that i have given he a new life and is so thankful for that
i too had a girl friend in the college . i too had kissed her and has gone up to the extent of touching her private parts. i got so many chances to have sexual realtion with her but in the last minute i drop the idea as i get or feel guilty. i thought i will do that only to the girl i marry
but now i feel like i am lost when i think about the girl i got.
i feel so broken now.
but i dont feel like ditching the girl just because of the fact that she told me the truth. but i feel bad when i think that my girl is not a virgin and feel like a failure … i feel like i too should have gone her way…
the problem with her is that she so weak hearted and cannot hurt anybody in her life
but i am confused with all these. what should i do? please help me with an answer to relive my mental trauma


#2

What's your nationality?

Is this a prearranged marriage?

"i am a catholic,my marriage with a particular girl is fixed. once it was fixed she started calling me and i too love her as i find her a nice girl...but after one month she began to tell me about her past life. "


#3

In order for there to be a sacramental marriage both parties must consent freely so fixed or pre-arranged marriages are not the norm for Catholics.

Peace


#4

[quote="confusedude, post:1, topic:220424"]

after years her parents came up with a new proposal and thats me.

[/quote]

Is this an arranged marriage? I don't know that arranged marriages are valid in the Catholic Church.....might ask your priest.

How old are you?
Where are you living?
What is your culture?


#5

Obviously you come from a culture which highly esteems virginity at marriage for both members of the engaged couple. Your fiance has done the right and the brave thing relating her past to you, however painful it is for both of you. Had you had previous sexual intercourse with a woman, you would not feel better for it today, even though right now in your confusion and hurt, it might feel that way. You sound like a highly principled man who must do what your faith and your culture requires, otherwise there is a serious impediment which will always be there between you. Perhaps in your faith and culture, knowledge of this information by either or both parties, may actually invalidate the marriage. I don't know how other to advise then to do what is right. God bless you both.


#6

My husband, like you, was a virgin when he proposed to me and when we married.

I, however, was raised by atheists who expected me to become sexually active when I was a teenager, before marriage. They practically recommended it. I had no reason to hold onto my virginity at all.

I did not become a Christian until I was 24 years old, and it was with much regret that I learned at that point that premarital sex was wrong. (I had thought that only adultery was wrong for Christians.)

For years, I labored under the assumption that I should not marry, or I should only marry somebody who had also had premarital sex.

When I started falling in love with the man who would become my husband, I did my best to shoo him away. Finally, I told him outright that I was "damaged goods," and that he should find the "right girl" for him. He scoffed, but I insisted that he reconsider.

He considered this very carefully over the next few days, and then came back to me. He said, "If Jesus can forgive you for this, so can I."

My husband is the noblest and godliest of men, and I am so grateful to have him in my life. We have been happily married for more than 16 years.

I suggest you commit yourself to prayer over this issue. If she is the "right girl" for you, then you must stand with Jesus in your forgiveness for her sins and remember that by His blood, she is made clean.


#7

[quote="Sparki777, post:6, topic:220424"]
My husband, like you, was a virgin when he proposed to me and when we married.

I, however, was raised by atheists who expected me to become sexually active when I was a teenager, before marriage. They practically recommended it. I had no reason to hold onto my virginity at all.

I did not become a Christian until I was 24 years old, and it was with much regret that I learned at that point that premarital sex was wrong. (I had thought that only adultery was wrong for Christians.)

For years, I labored under the assumption that I should not marry, or I should only marry somebody who had also had premarital sex.

When I started falling in love with the man who would become my husband, I did my best to shoo him away. Finally, I told him outright that I was "damaged goods," and that he should find the "right girl" for him. He scoffed, but I insisted that he reconsider.

He considered this very carefully over the next few days, and then came back to me. He said, "If Jesus can forgive you for this, so can I."

My husband is the noblest and godliest of men, and I am so grateful to have him in my life. We have been happily married for more than 16 years.

I suggest you commit yourself to prayer over this issue. If she is the "right girl" for you, then you must stand with Jesus in your forgiveness for her sins and remember that by His blood, she is made clean.

[/quote]

:thumbsup:

I agree.

Romans Ch3 Vs 23- For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.

No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. The fact that she was honest and told you of her past shows that she respects you and loves you. We must forgive others if we are to be forgiven.


#8

[quote="confusedude, post:1, topic:220424"]
i am writing this mail in utter confusion.
to tell in brief .. i am a catholic,my marriage with a particular girl is fixed. once it was fixed she started calling me and i too love her as i find her a nice girl . but after one month she began to tell me about her past life.
she had a love affair with a guy and even had sexual relations with him for 2 years. when she told her home about him her parents did not allowed her to marry him. she loved her parents and did not want to disobey them even though they hurt her a lot. her father is an alocholic. still she obeyed them out of her love for them.
she became so broken hearted in her life with out him. she had a good friend in the college and began to confide her troubles to him. later she became so attached to him and had sexual realtions with him.
when she told about him at her home her parents did not allowed her to marry him also. she literally became broken down. but still she couldnt disobey her parents.
after years her parents came up with a new proposal and thats me. she loves me so dearly and say to me that i have given he a new life and is so thankful for that
i too had a girl friend in the college . i too had kissed her and has gone up to the extent of touching her private parts. i got so many chances to have sexual realtion with her but in the last minute i drop the idea as i get or feel guilty. i thought i will do that only to the girl i marry
but now i feel like i am lost when i think about the girl i got.
i feel so broken now.
but i dont feel like ditching the girl just because of the fact that she told me the truth. but i feel bad when i think that my girl is not a virgin and feel like a failure .. i feel like i too should have gone her way....
the problem with her is that she so weak hearted and cannot hurt anybody in her life
but i am confused with all these. what should i do? please help me with an answer to relive my mental trauma

[/quote]

Why do you feel like a failure? Do you feel "cheated"?

If you have "confusions", don't marry her. They may cause problems when you are married. I've seen it in threads here in CAF.


#9

While I will say nothing to make virginity seem irrelevant in those who have preserved it, I believe this particular inability to refuse her parents is more of a problem with that particular lady. The fact that marrying you is also her parents' recommendation can be a problem too, because you need to be sure that she's marrying you of her will and not theirs. It must be her decision, not her (alcoholic) dad's.


#10

It sounds like she was seeking love and approval and at the time that was the only way she thought she could get it. I would find the fact that she's sounds very needy and maybe not all that emotionally strong a bit of a red flag. The fact that she also lets her parents rule her life would be another. I don't know the full story though. It's been said that "Women give sex for love and men give love for sex" so it sounds like she at least thought this was her only way to get what she emotionally needed that maybe she wasn't getting from her parents. Just something to think about. In this day and age I wouldn't hold someone's past against them either as long as they are living a different lifestyle in the present. :cool:


#11

Do you love this girl enough to move past her old times and go forward with your marriage? Love her enough to forgive her? Part of love is the ability to forgive. Considering this is arranged(?), are you really even that into her?

As much as I don't want to go against what you believe in, I personally think YOU should be able to choose who to marry. As much as your parents may know you, they are not you. You know yourself better than they do. You are you, and you should be able to choose who you marry.


#12

Not being a virgin falls into 2 categories (please no one laugh)

Category 1-) Not being a virgin, regretting it, going to confession and making sure it never happens again

Category 2-) Not being a virgin and not seeing anything wrong with it.

If you meet category 1 I think it is ok to overlook the not virgin part (not sure if I could do it though). If you meet category 2, run for your life. This person is not mature in the faith

However, in this particular case you mention, it sounds like the only thing this woman wants is to be a wife and you are the accessory to provide her with it. I think you need to think about your long term needs and will they be met

CM


#13

If you love this girl, why should it matter if she's a virgin or not. I mean I care about my future husband's current beliefs/actions, but I accept he may have made mistakes on the past. As long as its the past, and he's sorry for them, well I'm not going to lose out on someone I love for something they did in the past.


#14

I would defintely go to a priest about this. And like another poster, said, make sure she is marrying you because she truly loves you, not because she is still trying to please her dysfunctional family.
Personally, she sounds like a nice girl who truly loves you, but you DO need to make sure. :o


#15

[quote="Catholic90, post:4, topic:220424"]
Is this an arranged marriage? I don't know that arranged marriages are valid in the Catholic Church.....might ask your priest.

How old are you?
Where are you living?
What is your culture?

[/quote]

this marriage has been arranged by my family... i am 27 years old and am living in India


#16

[quote="Sparki777, post:6, topic:220424"]
My husband, like you, was a virgin when he proposed to me and when we married.

I, however, was raised by atheists who expected me to become sexually active when I was a teenager, before marriage. They practically recommended it. I had no reason to hold onto my virginity at all.

I did not become a Christian until I was 24 years old, and it was with much regret that I learned at that point that premarital sex was wrong. (I had thought that only adultery was wrong for Christians.)

For years, I labored under the assumption that I should not marry, or I should only marry somebody who had also had premarital sex.

When I started falling in love with the man who would become my husband, I did my best to shoo him away. Finally, I told him outright that I was "damaged goods," and that he should find the "right girl" for him. He scoffed, but I insisted that he reconsider.

He considered this very carefully over the next few days, and then came back to me. He said, "If Jesus can forgive you for this, so can I."

My husband is the noblest and godliest of men, and I am so grateful to have him in my life. We have been happily married for more than 16 years.

I suggest you commit yourself to prayer over this issue. If she is the "right girl" for you, then you must stand with Jesus in your forgiveness for her sins and remember that by His blood, she is made clean.

[/quote]

thank you for keeping my spirits high.


#17

[quote="confusedude, post:15, topic:220424"]
this marriage has been arranged by my family... i am 27 years old and am living in India

[/quote]

Is she Catholic?


#18

[quote="confusedude, post:15, topic:220424"]
this marriage has been arranged by my family... i am 27 years old and am living in India

[/quote]

That explains a lot but makes your question harder to answer. I know in India arranged marriages are normal but in many counties they are not. I wouldn't enter into an arranged marriage if you paid me.


#19

There are many, many red flags here. Her past relationships can be dealt with perhaps, but her relationship with her parents and especially her father is an indicator of serious problems ahead. She should have some counseling in the future (either before or after marriage) to address this. Her home life, her parents' marriage, and her father's alcoholism are a sign of the mental and emotional habits she will fall back on in her everyday life with you once you are married and the immediate rush of romance passes.

jb


#20

The cultural issues are thorny, since while in Western culture, people who obey their parents wishes on marriage partner are seen as "too dependent" on their families and likely not ready for marriage, Indian as well as Asian/Eastern culture is quite different. While many in such cultures no longer practice arranged marriage, they would still find it scandalous to marry against the wishes of their parents, even if the parents were being biased, irrational, etc. So, this girl going along with her parents when they refused to let her marry her previous two lovers is considered quite normal, not a sign of dependency or inability to consent to marriage.

However, confuseddude, what I'd wonder is, why do you think this girl has provided you with this information? Especially as you mention that she started calling you after the marriage was decided on, so it seems that she didn't even know you that well beforehand. Is it just so you wouldn't be surprised on your wedding night? Or, is it so you would be scandalized and call off the marriage from your side...and she gets out of a marriage she doesn't want, without directly disobeying her parents? Apparently, you have both developed feelings for each other, at least in your case you wouldn't be marrying her just because your parents told you to, but that doesn't mean she really wants to marry you.

Since from what I know of your culture, having sex outside of marriage is considered a sin, even among non-Catholics, and many men only want to marry virgins, even if they are not virgins themselves. I actually know guys of Indian descent in the US who date and are sexual with "American" women, all the while planning on eventually marrying the Indian bride their parents will choose for them. Some even continue to have girlfriends after marriage! So, I commend you for not following that path yourself.

Since you do state you are Catholic in your profile, I would recommend you seek the counsel of a priest in your area, especially regarding the question of whether the marriage would be valid, since he would probably have more experience with this issue in a country where arranged marriages are common. It would seem that even with arranged marriage, the bride and groom still have to make their own choice to comply with their parents wishes and out of their own free will agree to the marriage, even if they don't have the romantic feelings, so not all arranged marriages are invalid. However, if that free will is impaired by, say, a psychological condition, or parental coercion, or any number of factors, and either bride or groom is rendered unable to consent, then the marriage could indeed be invalid. The grounds due to fraud would also seem to apply, if one partner (or family) hides something that, if known, would make the other partner (or family) take back the offer of marriage (such as a bride's virginity status).


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