Consensual sexual fantasies in marriage?


I am asking this in all seriousness. Please, only respond with helpful commentary.

Is it wrong for a married couple to engage in sexual fantasies involving another person (an ex boyfriend of the wife for example) if both spouses agree to this fantasy? If it is wrong, which I am pretty sure it is, please provide evidence from the Church. Thank you in advance.


Are you not saying basically when you indulge a fantasy that you are not content and accepting of the person that is right in front of you? Please pardon my lack of tact, but it seems like virtual adultery to me.

Are you not saying, “Honey, I’m bored with you. Let me imagine you are someone else.”?

Marriage is the cherishing of the other person for who they are, not pretending they are someone else.

I think it would be a perilous road to go down.


But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matt 5,28

I know it says looks, but when you look you still have to think about it.
Personally I would say it violates the intimacy of marriage to willfully think of another person in a sexual way.
I.e.Two people can agree to have sex outside of marriage. Even then it is still a sin. Consenting to it doesn’t remove the objective truth.
Hope it helps. God bless!


Our Lord tells us in the Gospel (Matthew 5:28) that to even look lustfully at another woman is “adultery in heart”. I think it would logically follow that this is also adultery “in the heart”. If the husband says “hey honey, I don’t mind if you go and have sex with your ex-boyfriend” it remains adultery…and likewise this remains adultery in the heart.

On a practical note, wouldn’t the husband have to be a pretty good actor to emulate the ex-boyfriend? Seems very odd. I could see a famous celebrity…but an ex-boyfriend?


This would be more along the lines of both the husband and wife engaging in fantasy play together, role play I do believe.


I’m confused. They would role play that the husband is the ex boyfriend?


This is going from PG to PG-13. During the marital act, the husband fantasizes about the wife with the ex boyfriend and the wife fantasizes about the ex boyfriend because it turns on the husband. The wife has no desire to leave her husband nor to be with her ex boyfriend, its simply a fantasy from her past.

Paragraph 2351 of the CCC states that offenses against chastity include lust. It is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.

If it is done with the consent of both spouses to the enjoyment of both spouses, we are open to life, we both enjoy playing with this fantasy…is it sinful?


This jumped out at me as a sin immediately. Sex isn’t a game, but a precious gift. If you’ve gotten bored, abstain for periods of time and spend it together in prayer. That would be pleasing to God.


Good advice Jude.


Yeah, that is over the line. What that describes is not Holy and is obviously lustful and frankly disordered.


Thank you. Now tell me why.




This is an interesting Question, I had a look at your FB. Page,
You are a young couple,I wouldn’t think it would be necessary to have this type of fantasy,
I could put a twist on your Question, but don’t feel this question is the place,
Enjoy the love of your life, Enjoy the life of your Love,

   Peace ,,


It isn’t necessary, but popped up. My wife is stunningly beautiful, no need for anyone else. :slight_smile:


I agree ,but then how did this issue pop up ?

You could P M. Me if you wish,


Are you asking me why lust is a sin? You are going to have to do your own homework on that one. Lusting after another person especially while married is a HUGE sin, so big that Jesus mentions it specifically.:shrug: But you can read what He said in the Bible and you can also read about David and his lustful sin in the Bible. And you can read the CCC about lust…


Thank you. :slight_smile: I have and am rereading.


This isn’t really “forsaking all others” now, is it?

This is a sin of the two spouses against each other (clear case, in my opinion, of “adultery in the heart”, as others have described), but also a sin against the ex-boyfriend, who is an involuntary object of lust here. It’s certainly not consensual on his part, and is a sin against his human dignity to be used in this manner (even if it were consensual).

Frankly, this is a terrible idea. Sex has a unitive purpose, but in this case, who is your wife uniting to - you? or her ex? You are playing a dangerous game here.


Well, this is not meant to come across judgmental, but I think this type of behavior or proposed behavior, if you will, stems directly from the culture of pornography that we find ourselves in.

If you take 10 people, men and women, off the street today at random in any average size city and ask them if they think there’s anything wrong with pornography or is it a sin, how many do you think would say they have no problem with it whatsoever, etc?


Great replies my friends. :slight_smile:

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit