I’m going to find it hard to word this for fear of being judged… so please find it in your heart not to give harsh words.
I’m happily married with children. To me our family is complete and my husband and I don’t feel we could cope with any more kids. There are so many factors why… physically (complicated last birth which was difficult++ on my body), financially, emotionally, mentally etc. I won’t go in to all the factors here but trust me we would really struggle.
If we happened to get pregnant again however the child would be loved, however at the minute we do not want to plan for this - as I say it would be incredibly difficult.
I know as Catholics we are supposed to be “open to life” and I am (in that if it happened of course I would love the child etc), but in a way I am not open to life, because I am doing everything to avoid this happening. And I really dislike myself for thinking that way.
All our children were planned… we planned when we would like to conceive and thankfully it happened easily for us. Before/between those planned conceptions we used contraception (condoms… I have never used anything else).
Since my last child was born, I have had a conversion of sorts and my faith has deepened so much. I no longer want to do anything that offends the Lord. I have confessed all past sins, including the contraception. Since the last child was born we have not engaged in intercourse/anything sexual. There are many reasons for this… mostly because of the damage done to my body, but other factors too. I won’t say how old my child is but this has been a long time!
We’re now at a stage where we could be ready to be intimate again. But I now am afraid to! I don’t want to conceive a child… but I don’t want to use contraception.
I have polycystic ovary syndrome and therefore an irregular cycle, therefore I can’t trust NFP.
I am at such a loss. Please can anyone advise? By withholding relations from my husband I am not being the loving wife he deserves (though it is not just me declining and not just me who doesn’t want any more children). So therefore am I sinning?
But by being intimate with him, I would have to resort to contraception, which I now will not use!
Or the third option I can see, is to engage in relations and accept more children… which I know most of you probably will advise I should do. But I know deep down, I will not be able to enjoy intercourse because of the fear of conceiving.
I know I am not sounding like a good catholic by thinking that way. Please do not judge me.
Is there any possible solution?
Because I am new to the faith again I do not know our local priests. Our current parish has been closed since March because of covid. It’s going to be difficult to speak to a priest about this sort of thing. So I was wondering if anyone here had any pearls of wisdom.
Thanks for reading.