Converting but have a problem.

I’ve been going through the process and will take m first communion in April. After that I’ll fully be into the Church.

Here is where my problem lies. I have a girlfriend who lives with me and we have sex. We don’t use contraceptives because it’s not needed due to her not being able have kids. We love each other and I don’t think it’s bad that we share our love on a physical level.

But I’m not sure what to do here. I know the Church frowns on us living together and being intimate. We do talk about marriage but it probably wouldn’t happen for 6 more months or so.

So do I confess before 1st communion to be clear and then just not partake in communion afterwards? I think the priest would find this odd after going throuh the conversion and then still not taking communion.

Kind of a rock and hard place here.

If you have no intention of stopping your behavior you cannot validly confess. You need to talk to your priest. You should not be entering the Church while fully intending to ignore the teachings of the church and continue in sin.

Please seek to understand why the Church teaches that sex outside of marriage is a sin. Why do you two not plan to be married? Something is holding you back, so part of teh wrongness of the sexual activity is that it implies and signifies a union that you are not really willing to make.

Before getting married, you would need to stop what you are doing. I will pray for you that you will have the grace to understand what is behind the Church’s teaching, and I hope you will plan to give this up in order to enter into the Church, which offers salvation, peace, and the ultimate joy of union with God.

You might read what St. Augustine went through. He had a similar problem. His work is called The Confessions - you can probably find it online.

We will probably get married just not for a few more months.

As for sex, we can stop and be good there until marriage.

But I can’t kick her out.

And I have to say I’m rather surprised the first reponse was “you cant join our faith then.”

You tell your priest, before communion. Simple.

I think that person meant “not until…” :slight_smile:

Well, you can give it up for the love of God. About what to do with the cohabitation situation, I would talk to the priest and explain the situation.

I think for your eventual marriage this will be helpful, actually. May God’s grace be with you and give you courage, brother.

First of all, I’d just like to say, Welcome to the Church!
I think the problem is that if you are not in full union with the Catholic Church, ie its dogmatic teachings, than you cannot fully participate in its sacraments. The Church teaches that it is wrong to receive communion in the state of mortal sin, that extra-marital sex is grave matter, and so, with full knowledge and consent is a mortal sin, and that to confess something without the intention to stop is also grave matter. I think the reason people started by saying you should not be entering the church without acceptance to its teachings is because of the way you suggested entering it, which is not in line with them. If you are willing to refrain from sexual activity until you and your girlfriend until you are married, and, if you are already baptized, confess the relations you have been having there is no impediment to your entering the church.
Is your problem merely a pracitcal matter of what action these circumstances require? If so, then the above should answer it. If you would like to discuss the reasoning behind the church’s teachings, just let us know and we’d love to try to help you understand!:thumbsup:
Good luck with everything! I’ll keep you in my prayers


I just realized I did not address the issue of cohabitation. From what I know of your case, I think you would most likely be allowed to continue. As was mentioned above, talk to your priest about it and explain the situation. As I understand it, it is not cohabitation as such that is wrong, rather the extra-marital sex, near occasion of sin, and scandal that could be caused. Becuase of this, I can’t see why you wouldn’t be allowed to continue living together because of serious reasons.

Yes I am baptized. And of course I want to do right by hr Church. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be here asking for help.

I just wasn’t sure how to proceed. Yes, we can stop having sex and I do hope to marry her eventually. What I was more worried about was us living together. I can’t in good concious just kick her out.

But you guys have answered my questions and appreciate the help. I will talk to her about us cooling off until after marriage and I’ll confess to my priest about the sex.

Thanks again.

I’d suggest you talk to your priest and take his advice about whether this is the best time for you to enter the Church. Perhaps it would be better to wait until after you are married.

I attended a webinar yesterday sponsored by the North American Forum on the Catechumenate on canonical issues relating to RCIA. One of the questions that came up was about a couple living together and whether cohabitation would keep someone from entering the Church. The speaker’s first comment was to ask why someone would want to enter a community when they reject the community’s values.

Perhaps you need more time to reconcile your way of thinking with the Church’s way of thinking.

:smiley: :thumbsup:

This needs to be discussed with your priest/confessor.

And I have to say I’m rather surprised the first response was “you cant join our faith then.”

I didn’t see this quoted item in the first response anywhere…This seems to be what you “saw” when you read it.
Please re-read that response carefully and consider what is actually said…

Separating ourselves from sin is a difficult thing. Yet, we must try. As already stated by Ike, one cannot validly confess if there is no intention to stop sinning.
Now you have stated that you and your girlfriend can stop having sex, but you cannot “kick her out”. This is obviously a very tricky situation and one that your priest is best equipped to advise you on. Co-habitating without sex - especially if you have been use to having sex - will be very difficult. You need to be certain you are up to the challenge…

Best of luck.


Welcome Home!

I can certainly appreciate your situation.

There are very few things in life that you can only do one time. One of those is entering/becoming a member of the Catholic faith. Don’t “spoil” the moment through compromise. If, in your heart, you fully believe that you and your girlfriend can live together without having sex - good for you.

On the other hand if you have any doubt,as much as I hate to say this, you might want to consider putting off becoming a member of the Catholic church until you and your girlfriend get married.

No matter what people say, being Catholic - truly living your faith - is not easy. Under the best of circumstances it’s difficult. Satin is real and he will do everything to steal you away from our Lord by way of temptation. To get through life without falling into mortal sin, you’re going to need all the grace God is willing to give you. Grace can not live in a soul which is stained by mortal sin. You’re going to be on your own.

Good luck.

If you agree to be chaste until marriage, I would probably request you or her (up to you guys but I would guess you) sleep on the couch until married. If you so agree, and given the impossibility of her moving elsewhere, I and most clergy I know would allow you to recieve communion and we would agree to marry you when you are ready, assuming it would be fairly promptly.

As long as you remain chaste, and have the intention of marrying in the near future, you should be fine to continue to recieve the Blessed Sacrament weekly. If you slip (DON’T), you will need to go back to confession again before either recieving communion or getting married.

The best advise I have seen so far is, talk to your priest. I suspect he will tell you what I just did.

Your original post was not clear. I understood you to mean you were going to continue sexual relations with your girlfriend. Of course it is possible to continue to reside under the same roof due to the inability to make alternative arrangements.

I also did not say “you can’t join our faith then.”

What I did say is that you should not do so while fully intending to ignore the Church’s teaching and continue to sin. Since you have clarified that you are no longer having sexual relations, then it seems that you are not intending to enter the Church while simultaneously refusing to change your lifestyle and situation.

Thanks guys. I called the church and they helped me out.

As mentioned here, we just need to not have sex, which is doable. Living together is sort of OK as long as potential marriage is involved, although would rather you don’t live together.

Big weight off my mind.

Glad we could help.


Be aware that most diocese require 6 months of marriage preparation before you can be married in the Catholic Church. So, if you hope to be married in 6 months or so, you may want to start planning now. I will be praying for you to have a change of heart regarding chastity…that will also help your future marriage!

You know, I think you are robbing yourself and your girlfriend, it’s that special time of engagement. It’s only a very short time in a couple’s long history that is very special and you’ve just totally bypassed it. Please give it some consideration. It’s a time of separation, and finding ways to express your love that are not sexual, and working on your communication with each other. Also, so many questions to consider in an engagement that should be talked about before hand. How do you both feel about children, how to spend money and save it, where to go on holiday if you have family away. How do you discipline, about your future in-laws, how do you feel about so many things.

I know that’s not part of your question but I know that as a woman, that it was a wonderful time in our relationship that was so short. There’s joy, excitement, preparation. Embrace it with joy!

Welcome to the Church!

Did they not explain in RCIA that people who are in a state of mortal sin can’t be received into the church? This is kinda basic stuff, you should know and understand this. Perhaps you are not ready for this step yet. Something to think about.

I’m in a similar situation.

All was resolved with our meetings with the priest. No more intimacy until we are married but my Fiance was firm that he not “kick me out.” I am pregnant and have no where to go. Marriage has been a longer wait due to the fact that we want a sacramental marriage in the church.

It has been tough…but Lent has made this much, much easier to deal with. As does daily prayer and frequent Mass.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit