My dh and I had a conversation about our relationship. We agreed that we should always be there for each other to protect each other if someone were to hurt one of us but we could not agree about being 'on duty¹ about it.
Let me explain: I think that my dh should be 'on duty¹ to make sure that I¹m not being 'dissed¹ by anyone. My dh thinks that he should not be 'on duty¹and that if a situation slips by that he wasn¹t aware of then its not ‘in
his jurisdiction’, even if he was right there but possibly didn¹t hear the infraction, etc.
Let me give a few examples: (but before I do I must say that I have a very, very good dh! I am proud of him and respect and trust him. It¹s just in this area that we have a disagreement. In fact my dh almost every night makes dinner and massages my feet! (among many many other wonderful things he does
as well! I have it GOOD!)
Example #1 we are at the home of a relative¹s (his relative) I was just getting to know them but he grew up with them. He knows that one of his cousins who is present can have a sharp tongue. My dh is sitting right next to me at a long table and extended family (his family) are present also
at this table. My dh¹s cousin gets up from table and as she walks away says in a loud voice for all to hear but directed at me ŒI don¹t know why you can¹t have everyone over at your house for Christmas?!¹ meaning I¹m so horrible that I cannot have her aunt, my mil, over for Christmas. Why do I have to
take her grandson out of town! I was so taken aback that I said to the person next to me 'well let me see, why are we going to see my parents¹ for Christmas (in a very matter of a fact tone) Well they live 4 hours away. They are 80+ years old. They are in ill health. I haven¹t seen them on Christmas in many years because of their trips to FL at that time in
the past.¹ Later when I spoke to my dh about this in private he stated that his cousin is like that and that he didn¹t hear her say that and that is why he could not and did not respond. (I understand that women can process multiple thoughts and tasks and men are much more single thought like, they are hard wired that way, but still I think that he should have been disposed to defending me * on alert that is.
Example #2: We are at a resort in the Caribbean. It is stinkin¹ hot! Everyone is in a bathing suit by the pool. My ds needs to nurse. If I use a blanket to cover up he will sweat buckets and if I go to my room when he wants to nurse I will be there ALL the Time. So instead my dh, dsil, and
(female) friend and ds and myself are all around the pool. I sit down to nurse my ds and shield myself from some teenage boys playing in the pool by sitting behind my dh, dsil and friend (female) who are all standing. I felt I did a good job of it. But anyway a teenage boy says 'hey lady…¹ I couldn¹t
hear the rest. I alerted my family members that I was being flagged by a teenage boy because of breastfeeding openly and my dh did nothing because he didn¹t hear the infraction (by the way my dh has perfect hearing). My dsil and friend (female) went over to the boys and got the security guard
and talked to them and told them to grow up. My dh did nothing.
There are a few examples of where my husband does take offense at others doing things but unfortunately mostly his inaction. But honestly when people are actively offending 9 out of 10 times its his family not someone outside of the family. (And its not like I¹m a walking target either or that I¹m creating these situations to get my dh to help me out of.
Believe me I¹m NOT. I think its more like because his family is a family of divorce they seem to think of in-laws as out-laws if you get what I mean, like they (the in-laws) are the reason for why the family isn¹t close anymore, you (in-law) took away my brother, my cousin, etc!) If the shoe were on
the other foot I¹d be all over my family defending him and I¹ve done so on countless occasions. But then I can process multiple thoughts simultaneously. The book I¹m reading ³For women only² states that women feel that men being only able to process one thought at a time is a sign of laziness. I understand better that it is not laziness on an intellectual
level only though. Help!
My dh and I just discussed this and he sees my point of view and on one hand we feel that maybe Hollywood has warped some of my expectations (but I¹m not sure about this one because I see other men being on sentinel for their wives) and on the other hand my dh is a child of divorce. He never
witnessed his father do this for his mother or his grandfather (his consistent male role model) do this for his grandmother. But I have witnessed other men including my own father do this for my mother.
I think my request is reasonable but I need my expectation to be tempered by the fact that my dh has had no role models in his youth for this other than maybe what Hollywood has provided.