Could my future mother-in-law possibly be the antichrist? (jk)


#1

:p

My fiance and I have been together for three years. He is in his early 40's, I am in my late 20's, we are both Roman Catholic and have been since baptism as infants. Our relationship is great (most) of the time - that is until his mother, who is also his next door neighbor gets involved.

The woman is IMPOSSIBLE to get along with. :banghead:

She is the most judgemental, arrogant, and self-absorbed person I have ever come across in my life. I have taken both religious and psychological approaches but nothing works. Nothing I ever do is right, good enough or worth anything in her eyes. She slanders my name to their family and friends because I am so much younger than her son (my fiance) and because of the fact that I don't come from a wealthy family.

I understand that she is 70 years old, and she will NEVER change her personality. What steps can I take to either get along with her better or should I just "kill her with kindness"? This woman will be my neighbor one day! (Help me!! ;) )This has been a major downfall in my relationship because I've never had to deal with a person on this level.

That's only the beginning but I'll spare everyone!! ha ha!

Thanks so much!


#2

This is possibly why your fiance is 40 and unmarried.

You cannot do anything. But, HE can step up and lay down the law to his mother regarding her behavior and HE can set the boundaries and requirements for a continued relationship. The two of you should also reconsider living in such close proximity to her.

If he cannot or will not... you've got your answer. Think twice and very long and hard about marrying him. It will be a bed of your own making that you will lie in.


#3

Hubby to be needs to set her straight and define some VERY CLEAR boundaries. He MUST be willing to do this or you are signing up for utter misery.

You might be anyway based on the whole being neighbors thing. Can you two move after the wedding?


#4

I think that you should make sure you let you fiance know that you will not live next door to his mom.

Or else we'll be seeing another message on this board in a could years "my mil hit my kid" or some sort of nonsence or you wanting an annulment becuase he decided to pick his mom over you.


#5

[quote="1ke, post:2, topic:239784"]
This is possibly why your fiance is 40 and unmarried.

You cannot do anything. But, HE can step up and lay down the law to his mother regarding her behavior and HE can set the boundaries and requirements for a continued relationship. The two of you should also reconsider living in such close proximity to her.

If he cannot or will not... you've got your answer. Think twice and very long and hard about marrying him. It will be a bed of your own making that you will lie in.

[/quote]

Wow.....normally I find 1ke a bit harsh.......But she's dead on here. There might be a reason he is 40 and unamrried. Believe me the idea of "I'm marrying him not his family" sounds romantic and all, but it is TOTALLY untrue. You marry him, and his family. If she is treating you this way now....it will only get worse after marriage. The fact that he lives NEXT door to his mom is also odd.

He needs to stand up to her and draw the line, if not.....reconsider


#6

Bless your heart. You have a hard row to hoe!
Personally, I would ignore her as much as possible; don't speak to her except for a cordial greeting. Be perfectly normal to everyone else who treats you right, though.
God bless!


#7

I was never married but had a very difficult sister in law.My brother didn;t want to take sides,so I just ended up limiting my contact with the two of them.You might have to put some distance between you and your mother in law,and set a lot of limits,especially concerning her dropping in unannounced.


#8

[quote="Musician, post:6, topic:239784"]
Bless your heart. You have a hard row to hoe!
Personally, I would ignore her as much as possible; don't speak to her except for a cordial greeting. Be perfectly normal to everyone else who treats you right, though.
God bless!

[/quote]

Um, she is not married to him. She need not hoe this row at all.

If she does choose to move forward, she had better make peace with it now and decide she will take whatever abuse her MIL gives her.


#9

[quote="sdawnstiles, post:1, topic:239784"]
:p

My fiance and I have been together for three years. He is in his early 40's, I am in my late 20's, we are both Roman Catholic and have been since baptism as infants. Our relationship is great (most) of the time - that is until his mother, who is also his next door neighbor gets involved.

The woman is IMPOSSIBLE to get along with. :banghead:

She is the most judgemental, arrogant, and self-absorbed person I have ever come across in my life. I have taken both religious and psychological approaches but nothing works. Nothing I ever do is right, good enough or worth anything in her eyes. She slanders my name to their family and friends because I am so much younger than her son (my fiance) and because of the fact that I don't come from a wealthy family.

I understand that she is 70 years old, and she will NEVER change her personality. What steps can I take to either get along with her better or should I just "kill her with kindness"? This woman will be my neighbor one day! (Help me!! ;) )This has been a major downfall in my relationship because I've never had to deal with a person on this level.

That's only the beginning but I'll spare everyone!! ha ha!

Thanks so much!

[/quote]

Wow, thats tough.
But how does your fiance react in the situation when his mother acts unfairly towards you? Does he take a passive role, or does he defend you? Is he on your side privately and /or publicly?

I find your post uplifting for me because I am discerning marriage with a man who is 40. I am 29. And these last days the age issue has been popping into my mind more than I like. The man I have in mind also has a little bit difficult mother, but he lives far away from his parents and he realises when she is overreacting...

:)


#10

[quote="GraceDK, post:9, topic:239784"]
Wow, thats tough.
But how does your fiance react in the situation when his mother acts unfairly towards you? Does he take a passive role, or does he defend you? Is he on your side privately and /or publicly?

I find your post uplifting for me because I am discerning marriage with a man who is 40. I am 29. And these last days the age issue has been popping into my mind more than I like. The man I have in mind also has a little bit difficult mother, but he lives far away from his parents and he realises when she is overreacting...

:)

[/quote]

Hi Grace 11 years is not so bad. dont let it trouble you. I wish you success in your relationship, and prayers also. :signofcross::thumbsup:


#11

[quote="1ke, post:2, topic:239784"]
This is possibly why your fiance is 40 and unmarried.

You cannot do anything. But, HE can step up and lay down the law to his mother regarding her behavior and HE can set the boundaries and requirements for a continued relationship. The two of you should also reconsider living in such close proximity to her.

If he cannot or will not... you've got your answer. Think twice and very long and hard about marrying him. It will be a bed of your own making that you will lie in.

[/quote]

Ke is 100% spot-on.


#12

Yikes. Why does he live next door to his mother?

If you are going to be married, your fiance really needs to be on your side if his mother is being inappropriate. I think that's the main issue. Secondly, if he is in his 40s and still lives next door to mommy...:eek: Maybe there's a perfectly good explanation, and if so, I'd love to hear it.

I don't have any good advice on how to deal with her, because she probably isn't going to change. But what you can do is move away from her when you're married!


#13

…and your new mommy-in-law will be right in the middle of that bed!!! Take care of this now and your future husband has to be the one to do it.


#14

[quote="sdawnstiles, post:1, topic:239784"]
:p

My fiance and I have been together for three years. He is in his early 40's, I am in my late 20's, we are both Roman Catholic and have been since baptism as infants. Our relationship is great (most) of the time - that is until his mother, who is also his next door neighbor gets involved.

The woman is IMPOSSIBLE to get along with. :banghead:

She is the most judgemental, arrogant, and self-absorbed person I have ever come across in my life. I have taken both religious and psychological approaches but nothing works. Nothing I ever do is right, good enough or worth anything in her eyes. She slanders my name to their family and friends because I am so much younger than her son (my fiance) and because of the fact that I don't come from a wealthy family.

I understand that she is 70 years old, and she will NEVER change her personality. What steps can I take to either get along with her better or should I just "kill her with kindness"? This woman will be my neighbor one day! (Help me!! ;) )This has been a major downfall in my relationship because I've never had to deal with a person on this level.

That's only the beginning but I'll spare everyone!! ha ha!

Thanks so much!

[/quote]

Not an easy situation. There could be a variety of issues. Is your possible future Mother in law in good health? Would your fiancee be opposed to moving? At least across town? If your possible future Mother in law is in poor health, then this may not be an option. Could you perhaps make peace with her? Do something nice like bake her a pie or something? Although this has probably already been tried. No easy fix. Alot will depend on his handleing of the situation also. My mother has in the past been very rude to some of my female friends. I respectfully call her on it, and gently let her know its not ok. Shes pretty judgmental herself. Hopefully your fiancee is standing up for you. It may be a move is in order. If possible. You both shall be in my prayers.


#15

You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your hubby-to-be and let him know exactly what your thoughts are on this situation and what you expect to be done. Thankfully, I get along GREAT with my future MIL, but if she ever did that to me, and fiance didn't stand up for me, he'd be ripped a new one for sure. I hope you get some resolution on this soon!


#16

Hello and thanks for all of the advice! :slight_smile:

Him and his family live on a 600 acre farm - it’s him AND his whole family (parents, cousins, etc.) Almost like a mini subdivision. The chances of him selling are slim to none.

Unfortunately he is divorced - that is why he is not married at 42 years old. :shrug: But considering the circumstances he was under at the time (which is a whole other post) I accept his divorce, it’s not something I feel I have the right to chastise him for.

Once again, thanks soooo much for the help!! :smiley:

:wave:


#17

So I assume he has been granted an annulment and is free to marry you?

If not, he is NOT free to marry you, and you would not be able to receive the sacraments in the Catholic Church.

Be careful. Be very careful. Maybe talk to the ex-wife! ;)


#18

This thread made me start thinking back to my married days. Bleh!!:eek:

I do agree with Catholic90 as I’m sure you have heard horror stories about his X and you might want to check it our for yourself. I’m sure she has a different story.:wink: Could be very enlightening. Checking on an annulment is also a good idea.

So, I was thinking back to my MIL and she was also a tad difficult–well more than a tad.
You know what though, I think age has a lot to do with it. I think now that I am older I would have been able to understand her more and maybe be like a duck, and having water roll off my back. I think with age sometimes we let more go in one ear and out the other. Life is so short—and we’re old enough to realize that now.:stuck_out_tongue:

I understand now, that she was just an unhappy person with misdirected anger. There was plenty of reasons for this, mental illness in the family, a husband whose drug of choice was other woman for most of their married life, plus she was addicted to over the counter meds. Very disfunctional family. She tried to commit suicide twice and her daughter once. Her elder son had a vasectomy by the time he was 23 and had been on a psychatrist couch for nearly 12 yrs in his latter life with little improvement. Her younger son, my X, fought his own demons.

Now that I am older and have lived long enough to analyze things I can see just how very unhappy she was.

Back to you: I think having a heart to heart with her in respectful dialog is perfectly fine. You may learn more about her hopefully for the good. If not well, then at least you know and all cards are on the table.

I don’t think making your fiancee “handle” this is wise as this will put a wedge between he and his Mom and that might never be forgiven. I think that is a terrible place to put your fiancee—smack dab in the middle of two women that he dearly loves.

Put on your big girl pants and just have a chat with his Mom—respectfully.


#19

[quote="horselvr, post:18, topic:239784"]
I don't think making your fiancee "handle" this is wise as this will put a wedge between he and his Mom and that might never be forgiven. I think that is a terrible place to put your fiancee---smack dab in the middle of two women that he dearly loves.

Put on your big girl pants and just have a chat with his Mom---respectfully.

[/quote]

I can understand why you said this, based on your experience but I will share mine as well. The opposite is the case for my family...

When we have to "deal with" issues with family members that are difficult situations...I handle communication with my family and my husband handles communication with his family. Why? Because if something difficult needs to be said it is better between close family members who understand one another better (hopefully) and have a history.

Also if there is an arguement and there always is the possiblity of that! Forgiveness comes easier with close relationships (as is my experience, perhaps not everyones)

If I say something hurtful to a sibling or parent...I am hopeful there will be reconciliation eventually because over the years we have argued and forgiven hundreds of times over! If my husband were to hurt my family it would be much harder and ackward there is not as much history there. My siblings and parents are more likely to "lay it on the line" with and I am more comfortable talking with them then with my in-laws. Not that I don't love my in-laws there is just not as much history. I have fought with my family since I was a child and can handle it...not sure if I could "handle" a big arguement with my inlaws as easily.

To the OP, your love for this man must be strong for you to consider such a move. Please make sure that you are up for where you are going to live! Once you have accepted this please ask Jesus for the grace to live a peaceful life. Your husband may not be able to stick up for you, something you must be prepared for and accept.

Prayers for you on your journey!


#20

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