I’m going to be stupidly honest in this post and share things I’ve never shared, not even with my confessor or spiritual director. Depending on what people say here, I hope I’ll be able to garner the courage to eventually mention this in spiritual direction.
I am a young woman under the age of 25. Here is how I have experienced sexual attraction:
*]I have never been sexually attracted to a man my age
*]I have experienced sexual attraction to women my own age
*]I have experienced sexual attraction to women in their 40s
*]I have experienced sexual attraction to much older men, and (please don’t hate me) to men who are priests
This is the first time I am admitting to anyone that I have experienced attraction towards people who are not age appropriate and to priests. I have never even really admitted this to myself - it’s more something that I tend to think of in passing and then quickly shelve in the back of my mind where even dust can’t find it.
I think my attraction issues have to do with a hunger for affirmation. From myself or if not from myself than from someone who is like me to some degree (women my own age). From someone in the place of my mother (older women). and from someone in place of my father (older men and priests especially since we call them “Father” and they are like father-figures for the whole parish). Like, if these people find me sexually attractive, then maybe I am worth something to them. I don’t know.
I want so much to fix this about myself, so that I can put ssa and all this behind me, and get back to discerning my vocation. I’ve always said, to myself and others, that I only experience attraction to women because I am creeped out by my attraction to older men and women, so the only attraction I acknowledge is the one to women my own age.