I’m “new” to the catholic faith and I have some questions. I’ll put them below.
As a non-Catholic, I understand I can’t partake in it. It was upsetting at first, but after learn a few things that isn’t the reason anymore. The reason I get upset at communion is the “blood” of Christ, aka, the wine. As a person who had an alcoholic mother and was very hurt by her, I made a vow very early in my life to never drink alcoholic. And under my own power, I have never had any alcoholic drink. I don’t go to bars, or even go to parties where is it there. When I realized it was true wine, I thought I could never be Catholic. I would never drink the blood, due to the fact that it was alcoholic, and that is something that presses upon my mind each mass and RCIA sessions. It is hard at times, and at times like last night, I’m in tears, I’m hurt. I want to be Catholic, but if I even take a sip of alcoholic, that vow I made to myself, means nothing. And that is a disgrace to me.I want your help with this, do I have to take the blood to be with the catholic church, and does that hinder any chance of me being looked down upon? I’ve looked for info in the Catechism, but I can’t find it at all. It tears me up terribly and I would appreciate an answer.
Another reason I struggle with RICA, is something that I did talk about with a Father. Not much was giving during the conversation, so I don’t know what to know. The truth is I struggle with masturbation. I have read that it is a sinful thing to do as a protestant and a Catholic. My family shuns it terribly, and I have read in the catechism that is a terrible thing to do. Why I do it, I can’t give every answer, but I believe it is because I was sexual assaulted when I was seven. I won’t go into detail about that, but it was very hard and still is to deal with. There are times when the urge to do it is strong and I give in. They are also times with I have to urge and I can conquer it, and also there are times where I dream about it, and I wake up and that area hurts. It is a terrible thing to dream about being raped and there is nothing you can do to stop it. And you wake up and hurt and feel like a disgusting pig because you were so defenseless. Knowing all that, what do I do? When I can control it and give in, that is my decision and I am at fault, but when I can’t control it in my dreams, and I wake up feeling sore, whose fault is that? Have I sinned even though I had no control? I don’t have the answers, and I wonder again if you have anything to say on this?
The last thing I want to talk about is one thing I have talked about before, prayer. The more I learn about people that have decided to intensely do prayer and have committed to it, I learn that it is needed to be a fruitful Christian.Why doesn’t that make me what to pray? Because prayer puts God in control of your life, and I struggle with someone else controlling my life. Putting someone in control of your life makes me feel uneasy and fearful. You say but it is GOD!! True, if anyone can make things good, it is God, he can make the impossible possible, he is the alpha and omega, he is the king. I know these things, I also know God also allows Satan to do things. And that fear scares me terribly. Many questions for God that have gone unanswered. That causes fear. Losing my mother, losing my brother, being sexual assaulted, abuse from my mother, being kicked out of my home at 18, my self-harm, my masturbating. All questions that cause many thoughts in my head, and all have been unanswered. I am one that wants an answer for all, if I’m planning a party I want to know how much is in the bank account. I want to know the answer so I have some control over it. That “person” inside of me, that person that isn’t afraid to make decisions, that “person” that is “good” and isn’t afraid to not be in control. Where is that person?
I feel as if I was broken a long time ago, and I never healed, I’m a broken person in two parts, but I never was put back together. Kind of like humpty dumpty. I know God can put me back together, but I don’t trust him to do it. Does that make a terrible person, or am I just broken?
Thanks for reading,
Ashley D Winters