Could Use Some Prayers...

As some of you may know, I was a dancer for 12 years but had to quit (which broke my heart) due to a severe back injury. Well, I am 20 now and have had about 5 years to recover, so I thought I’d take up tap again.

Well, yesterday morning I woke up to get ready for Mass. I took one step onto my right leg and went down. The pain in my knee was unbearable. All those years of dance took a toll on me, and in 2012, I had to have a knee arthroscopy to “clean it out.” For a while, it seemed to be fixed.

I went to an Urgent Care clinic, where the doctor did not even look at my leg. He told me there was nothing wrong, but that he could give me steroids to ease the pain. I refused (because steroids make me suicidal). When he left the room, he slapped me on the knee! So needless to say, it was a terrible experience.

I went home with the same information I had before, and still in pain. I was then laid up for the whole day, almost completely unable to walk, move, or bend my knee in the slightest. On top of it, I had to miss Mass which made me feel absolutely miserable and depressed (it’s the best part of my week).

Today, I went to another Urgent Care clinic that specializes in sports injuries; it’s actually the place where I had the knee arthroscopy done in 2012. It turns out that not only did I re-damage the part of my knee which was operated on, but I also bruised my tibia and pulled the tendons away from my kneecap.

In the meantime, our friend of the family who lives with us, has asthma. She is the type of person who whines when she gets a hangnail, so when she is sick, she never lets us forget it. Today, she went to the hospital because she has no primary care doctor (it wasn’t an emergency, it was just the only way she could get other tests done). She is very obese, does nothing to care for herself, and relies on us (most of the time me) to help take care of her. Basically, she is simply lazy.

Well here we are, both home from our appointments and everyone is all over her, worried, asking if she needs help, etc. And I’m ****. It’s as if no one notices I am here. I can barely walk. What bothers me the most, to be perfectly honest, is that because I have so many injuries that will never fully heal, I cannot pursue my dream career in law enforcement. Somehow, I will need to find a job where I won’t exert as much. I am literally in danger of hurting something else. I’ve broken my right foot twice, I broke my lower back, herniated a disc in my neck, dislocated my left knee and tore the tendon, broke my right knee, and now this…ALL while dancing. I’m in absolutely terrible shape. And on top of it all, I have some stupid bloody intestinal problem that no one has been able to diagnose and that gets worse each day.

My family doesn’t give a flying fig about me, it seems. I’m supposedly the strong one. I never cry, though I feel as if I might right now…and I am always everyone’s safety net. So why would a simple knee injury hold me down? They just slap me on the back and expect me to keep going…oh, and make sure to keep producing straight A’s, Christa! It doesn’t matter that your father is an alcoholic and he takes his anger out on you everyday! Or that you some how end up having to referee your parents’ continual arguments! Just make sure you bring home a 4.0! Your knee hurts? I’m sorry. Don’t forget, you have to exercise tonight! Gotta stay in shape!

I’m sorry for the rant, but I am at my wit’s end. I have absolutely no friends at all anymore. Zero. I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life. I want to die, honestly I do. I pray everyday for God to take me, because I cannot bear the continual pain - both emotional and physical - that I must endure every waking moment. And do you know what the worst part is? I cannot cry. There is no way for me to relieve these feelings. It feels so dark and lonely for me right now. I feel I have no future, no chance of marriage, or of being happy in a career. Actually, I do not think I’ve ever truly been happy in my life. It’s like I am not “living” my life. I’m just “enduring” it.

Please pray for me. I don’t think I can go on.

Christa

I got your back.:thumbsup: Prayer going up and blessings coming down.:thumbsup:

I would go back to the doctor and tell them what you just wrote about wanting to be dead. Sounds like possible depression, which is treatable.

You can go to the college counseling office and mention how you feel. In fact, do that tomorrow. There may, in fact, be a support group on campus for people in your particular situation. Also, it’s my understanding that some college counseling offices do hand out anti-depressants.

lovedance4ever:

“I feel I have no future, no chance of marriage, or of being happy in a career.”

I think it is going to be most realistic for you to aim at getting a desk job or something physically undemanding, but otherwise there is no reason for you not to have a good career and a happy marriage. Tens of millions of people have jobs where the heaviest thing they need to lift is a stapler, and they can do all the moving they need to do by rolling around on an office chair (except going to the restroom!). Come to think of it, I wonder what it takes to become a 911 dispatcher. That would be very stressful, but it might be a good match with your training and interests.

Treat your depression, speak up to your parents about your medical needs, keep studying, and you’ll be more than capable of supporting yourself once you graduate. Have an exit plan for if it ever gets too bad at home–if you were able to work some sort of undemanding campus desk job, a few hundred dollars here and there could be very helpful as part of your escape plan.

Your life is only going to get better, as long as you steer clear of abusive relationships that recapitulate your family of origin.

I’m praying for you, dear! Stay strong. :slight_smile:

Hail Mary, full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
And blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners.
Now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Wow, could you ever use some prayers!

I’ll pray a few for healing of your body and spirit, and for peace.

Praying for your intentions.

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

God willing your able to get through this

my daily rosary will be for you, stay centered on Christ, listen for the whispering of the Holy Spirit, and be not afraid because you are not alone.

I have prayed for you, and hope you find peace soon.

If I may, I’d like to make a suggestion.

I, too, grew up in an alcoholic home. What saved my sanity, aside from moving out ASAP, was focusing on very specific goals. I knew that nothing would change for me until I could support myself and live on my own, so I took as many classes as I could carry while working as much as I could to support myself. It was hard and exhausting and I don’t think I could do it again, but I got through it, and being so busy and tired all the time meant that I got out of my own head. Sometimes those of us who are ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) can make an already awful situation (like the one you describe) even worse by having it go around and around and AROUND in our heads. Not for a second, you understand, that you’re somehow to blame for all this–more that in focusing on external things like work and school you’ll both reach small goals (“I want to save up enough money for a down payment on a car,” “I want to get an A in this important class,”) and big ones (in a couple of years, it’ll be “I have a degree and can live independently of my parents.”), and in doing so might help your mental and spiritual health, too. Sometimes, being busy is the best thing for us.

Thanks, everyone. I’m really bummed out. I couldn’t even dress myself this morning, because my leg is as stiff as a board. My mom had to help me put my pants on, lol. I’m hoping it heals soon, but honestly, the pain is only getting worse at this point.

Christa,

Be assurred of my prayers.

You are a very strong woman. You may not see or realize it but I do for sure. Bless you. You’ll definitely be in my prayers.

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