As some of you may know, I was a dancer for 12 years but had to quit (which broke my heart) due to a severe back injury. Well, I am 20 now and have had about 5 years to recover, so I thought I’d take up tap again.
Well, yesterday morning I woke up to get ready for Mass. I took one step onto my right leg and went down. The pain in my knee was unbearable. All those years of dance took a toll on me, and in 2012, I had to have a knee arthroscopy to “clean it out.” For a while, it seemed to be fixed.
I went to an Urgent Care clinic, where the doctor did not even look at my leg. He told me there was nothing wrong, but that he could give me steroids to ease the pain. I refused (because steroids make me suicidal). When he left the room, he slapped me on the knee! So needless to say, it was a terrible experience.
I went home with the same information I had before, and still in pain. I was then laid up for the whole day, almost completely unable to walk, move, or bend my knee in the slightest. On top of it, I had to miss Mass which made me feel absolutely miserable and depressed (it’s the best part of my week).
Today, I went to another Urgent Care clinic that specializes in sports injuries; it’s actually the place where I had the knee arthroscopy done in 2012. It turns out that not only did I re-damage the part of my knee which was operated on, but I also bruised my tibia and pulled the tendons away from my kneecap.
In the meantime, our friend of the family who lives with us, has asthma. She is the type of person who whines when she gets a hangnail, so when she is sick, she never lets us forget it. Today, she went to the hospital because she has no primary care doctor (it wasn’t an emergency, it was just the only way she could get other tests done). She is very obese, does nothing to care for herself, and relies on us (most of the time me) to help take care of her. Basically, she is simply lazy.
Well here we are, both home from our appointments and everyone is all over her, worried, asking if she needs help, etc. And I’m ****. It’s as if no one notices I am here. I can barely walk. What bothers me the most, to be perfectly honest, is that because I have so many injuries that will never fully heal, I cannot pursue my dream career in law enforcement. Somehow, I will need to find a job where I won’t exert as much. I am literally in danger of hurting something else. I’ve broken my right foot twice, I broke my lower back, herniated a disc in my neck, dislocated my left knee and tore the tendon, broke my right knee, and now this…ALL while dancing. I’m in absolutely terrible shape. And on top of it all, I have some stupid bloody intestinal problem that no one has been able to diagnose and that gets worse each day.
My family doesn’t give a flying fig about me, it seems. I’m supposedly the strong one. I never cry, though I feel as if I might right now…and I am always everyone’s safety net. So why would a simple knee injury hold me down? They just slap me on the back and expect me to keep going…oh, and make sure to keep producing straight A’s, Christa! It doesn’t matter that your father is an alcoholic and he takes his anger out on you everyday! Or that you some how end up having to referee your parents’ continual arguments! Just make sure you bring home a 4.0! Your knee hurts? I’m sorry. Don’t forget, you have to exercise tonight! Gotta stay in shape!
I’m sorry for the rant, but I am at my wit’s end. I have absolutely no friends at all anymore. Zero. I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life. I want to die, honestly I do. I pray everyday for God to take me, because I cannot bear the continual pain - both emotional and physical - that I must endure every waking moment. And do you know what the worst part is? I cannot cry. There is no way for me to relieve these feelings. It feels so dark and lonely for me right now. I feel I have no future, no chance of marriage, or of being happy in a career. Actually, I do not think I’ve ever truly been happy in my life. It’s like I am not “living” my life. I’m just “enduring” it.
Please pray for me. I don’t think I can go on.