Counseling Needed


#1

I am a homemaker with 3 little girls, 3&1/2 and under, with another baby due early January. My husband is a wonderful man who works really hard to support us. I feel like I'm not doing my part-I am a horrible housekeeper.
Tonight my darling husband was confronted with this fact yet again and stated that he would rather live separately from us just to have a clean, uncluttered, and completely orderly place. I don't blame him! He has every right to complain! I DO sit around far too often (like right now) instead of cleaning. The girls do need my attention, but I still spend a ton of time sitting.
Anyway, I am beginning to feel that I really need to get some regular counseling about my problem (clutter bordering on hoarding). Can anyone guide me to something FREE, CATHOLIC and preferably online? We live in the middle of nowhere and only have one vehicle, so I really have no way of getting anywhere.


#2

Maybe you should say something to your priest, he may be able to accomodate you over email or perhaps put you in contact with someone who can...


#3

[quote="PandaBean1, post:1, topic:205500"]
I am a homemaker with 3 little girls, 3&1/2 and under, with another baby due early January. My husband is a wonderful man who works really hard to support us. I feel like I'm not doing my part-I am a horrible housekeeper.
Tonight my darling husband was confronted with this fact yet again and stated that he would rather live separately from us just to have a clean, uncluttered, and completely orderly place. I don't blame him! He has every right to complain! I DO sit around far too often (like right now) instead of cleaning. The girls do need my attention, but I still spend a ton of time sitting.
Anyway, I am beginning to feel that I really need to get some regular counseling about my problem (clutter bordering on hoarding). Can anyone guide me to something FREE, CATHOLIC and preferably online? We live in the middle of nowhere and only have one vehicle, so I really have no way of getting anywhere.

[/quote]

Plus maybe you and your HUSBAND should recognize that you have been
continuously pregnant for FOUR AND A HALF YEARS.

You should be tired and dragging and you should be sitting around a LOT.
Please, share this with your husband. Hey, Husband? Do some housework!


#4

there is a wonderful website that has helped me..

i hope i dont get in trouble for sharing it please delete it if i am in the wrong for sharing this website

www.flylady.com


#5

[quote="reaganjn, post:4, topic:205500"]
there is a wonderful website that has helped me..

i hope i dont get in trouble for sharing it please delete it if i am in the wrong for sharing this website

www.flylady.com

[/quote]

My dear, that is an ADVERTISEMENT, not a website.
You should certainly delete it .


#6

Firstly - 3 children under 4 and uncluttered and completely orderly just don’t ever go together, at the best of times. No way, nohow, no matter how many hours a day you spend cleaning. Perhaps tell him to spend a weekend alone with the kids while you go off somewhere else, and see how ‘completely uncluttered and orderly’ the place is at the end?

Can I suggest a compromise? Perhaps agree on some parts of the house that are strictly your turf, that your husband is never to enter nor complain about. You can keep them as you wish and keep all the stuff that is strictly yours (as in never used by anyone else) in them. In return, make an extra effort with the joint and public areas of the house.

There may be other factors as well - your house may really be too small to keep all your stuff and the kids’ stuff neatly put away at all times. Or on the contrary, it may simply be too large for one person, who has three active youngsters to look after and is pregnant with another as well, to keep immaculately clean and orderly. Man, just thinking about it makes me tired!

Would it be possible to have some cleaning help, even if it’s only a morning or two a week to do the most troublesome of the cleaning tasks?


#7

[quote="LilyM, post:6, topic:205500"]
Can I suggest a compromise? Perhaps agree on some parts of the house that are strictly your turf, that your husband is never to enter nor complain about. You can keep them as you wish and keep all the stuff that is strictly yours in them. In return, make an extra effort with the joint and public areas of the house.

There may be other factors as well - your house may really be too small to keep all your stuff and the kids' stuff neatly put away at all times. Or on the contrary, it may simply be too large for one person, who has three active youngsters to look after as well, to keep immaculately clean and orderly.

Would it be possible to have some cleaning help, even if it's only a morning or two a week to do the most troublesome of the cleaning tasks?

[/quote]

AGREE! Three little bitty girls, a pregnant mommy and a dad equals TONS of stuff.
Again though, this mommy needs REST! (Plus order in her household.)


#8

[quote="PandaBean1, post:1, topic:205500"]
I am a homemaker with 3 little girls, 3&1/2 and under, with another baby due early January. My husband is a wonderful man who works really hard to support us. I feel like I'm not doing my part-I am a horrible housekeeper.
Tonight my darling husband was confronted with this fact yet again and stated that he would rather live separately from us just to have a clean, uncluttered, and completely orderly place. I don't blame him! He has every right to complain! I DO sit around far too often (like right now) instead of cleaning. The girls do need my attention, but I still spend a ton of time sitting.
Anyway, I am beginning to feel that I really need to get some regular counseling about my problem (clutter bordering on hoarding). Can anyone guide me to something FREE, CATHOLIC and preferably online? We live in the middle of nowhere and only have one vehicle, so I really have no way of getting anywhere.

[/quote]

First off, God Bless with your little new one on the way and I am sure you are a good mom~ I do not know you but do know that since I have been in your shoes, I know how hard it is to raise little kids. it drains you. TRY to get your husband to understand this.

Then follow your heart dear one.


#9

I second the Flylady suggestion. It's not Catholic but it isn't anti-Catholic.

But if you do have a serious hoarding situation that can't be helped by a program like Flylady you should get a counselor. Try catholic therapists .com .


#10

[quote="catharina, post:5, topic:205500"]
My dear, that is an ADVERTISEMENT, not a website.
You should certainly delete it .

[/quote]

how do i edit my post to suggest that she should look up flylady


#11

[quote="reaganjn, post:4, topic:205500"]
there is a wonderful website that has helped me..

i hope i dont get in trouble for sharing it please delete it if i am in the wrong for sharing this website

www.flylady.com

[/quote]

for some reason i do not have an edit button on this particular post here. so i cannot edit. can someone help me i am soo very sorry for advertising this. all i was doing was trying to help the OP, it was not my intent to break any rules on purpose, but just trying help someone. please know it was not in my heart to do any harm.

thank you


#12

Giving someone the flylady.com site is not an advertisement. People recommend helpful websites all the time on here. Don’t sweat it.


#13

[quote="PandaBean1, post:1, topic:205500"]
I am a homemaker with 3 little girls, 3&1/2 and under, with another baby due early January. My husband is a wonderful man who works really hard to support us. I feel like I'm not doing my part-I am a horrible housekeeper.
Tonight my darling husband was confronted with this fact yet again and stated that he would rather live separately from us just to have a clean, uncluttered, and completely orderly place. I don't blame him! He has every right to complain! I DO sit around far too often (like right now) instead of cleaning. The girls do need my attention, but I still spend a ton of time sitting.
Anyway, I am beginning to feel that I really need to get some regular counseling about my problem (clutter bordering on hoarding). Can anyone guide me to something FREE, CATHOLIC and preferably online? We live in the middle of nowhere and only have one vehicle, so I really have no way of getting anywhere.

[/quote]

I think if you have a problem with hoarding, then do seek professional help. That can be a Catholic, or someone who is not Catholic. Call your local Catholic Charities, they may be associated with your diocese.

However, your husband has to change his expectations regarding a super clean, organized, clutter free house. You have three children under 4 and are pregnant again? Good grief woman, don't beat yourself up because you sit down. I think your husband has unrealistic expectations regarding what you will be able to do with your home with 4 small children to care for.

If he wants a neat, ordered, super clean house, he needs to get out the mop and broom.


#14

She wasn’t asking for you to slam her husband. She was admitting that she has a problem and was seeking help for that.:smiley:

We are too quick to slam husbands on CAF.


#15

[quote="1ke, post:13, topic:205500"]
I think if you have a problem with hoarding, then do seek professional help. That can be a Catholic, or someone who is not Catholic. Call your local Catholic Charities, they may be associated with your diocese.

However, your husband has to change his expectations regarding a super clean, organized, clutter free house. You have three children under 4 and are pregnant again? Good grief woman, don't beat yourself up because you sit down. I think your husband has unrealistic expectations regarding what you will be able to do with your home with 4 small children to care for.

If he wants a neat, ordered, super clean house, he needs to get out the mop and broom.

[/quote]

I agree (is he really being unreasonable though? we don't know for sure), but perhaps the place is REALLY cluttered and she's not exaggerating. There's a difference between normal toddler clutter and a chaotic mess of clutter. This woman didn't complain once about her husband. She said he's wonderful, so why all the posts against her husband :shrug:


#16

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have tried FlyLady (flylady.net) but i never seem to stick with a routine long enough for it to become a habit. Yes, my daily routine changes almost from week to week as the little ones grow! :slight_smile:

As for sitting around too much, I really do sit TOO much. I can spend hours at the computer or watching TV but then don’t spend the 10 minutes it takes to unload and reload the dishwasher, and there’s no physical reason for it. At this point in my pregnancy (about 15 weeks) I find myself even forgetting i’m pregnant! (It has been a very easy pregnancy)

Our place is small, about 1100 sq ft, but it’s all we can have for the next year or two. And I have a MIL (mother-in-law) who loves to shower the girls with toys and clothes. I do think i might have a slight hoarding problem, my mom is a closet hoarder (her closets and the basement are stuffed) and so is her mom (the front porch is inaccessable).

So again, thank you everyone for your sympathy and suggestions!


#17

Don't beat yourself up too much about this. You have been pregnant a lot and have 3 young children to care for as well.

Does your husband do his fair share of the cleaning/housekeeping? Keeping a house clean takes work from both the husband and wife. It is not one person's job. Maybe you should try to talk with him regarding dividing up responsibilities for cleaning. Have him do some and you do some.

You could even try to have a room in the house designated for him (like an office) that will be off limits to the kids so it will stay clean. This way he can 'escape' to it, if the rest of the house is too cluttered or messy. Or maybe focus on keeping one room exceptionally neat (like the bedroom), which will also serve the purpose of him having some of his own space to retire to, to escape the 'chaos' so to speak.

This isn't all on you though. Talk about it with your husband and mutually decide on a way to approach the problem together.


#18

he would rather live separately from us just to have a clean, uncluttered, and completely orderly place.

while this is a most uncharitable thing for a husband to say to his wife and mother of all his children, perhaps you and he are suffering from two sides of the same malady: maybe you've both forgotten that people come before things.

he in that he wants all his things completely orderly
you in that you hold on to too many things.

PandaB, here's a suggestion from a recovered hoarder: get help. but maybe not of the professional type, but the pracitcal type. ask husband or some friends to help you reduce EVERY category of stuff by*** at least 50%.***

categories include:
books
kitchen utensils
pots and pans
clothes
knick knacks (deplete this by 80% and you'll NEVER be sorry)
hygiene items
utility and junk drawer stuff like string, tape, clothespins whatever
craft stuff
toys Toys TOYS!!!! (especially toys in small pieces and toys that make noise)
CDs, videos, DVDs and stuff

make 3 piles:
trash goes out right away. ( rent a dumpster if you have to --my friend had to do this-- she had so much garbage.)
goodwill (put these in the car and delivered in 24 hours.
items of contention (he says junk, you say no.) agree to deplete the contended items by 80%.
nothing gets donated to any of your friends unless they agree to come today to get it.

at first, it will feel like tearing your own arms off, but after a while, ruthlessness will set it. you'll be exhilarated to be FREE of all the stuff.

since then i'm pretty good about tossing one thing for everything i bring home.

waaaay back then, my worry was, "I'll need this some day" problem with that were several:
1. i usually couldnt find it when i needed it
2. i never needed it
3. living with it till i used it was just really not worth it
4. it showed a certain distrust of God that he wouldnt provide for us EVERY day our daily needs

depending on your home, it will take a half day per room. clean the room and put everything away before moving on to the next room.

this process made a WORLD of difference for us.


#19

[quote="monicatholic, post:18, topic:205500"]
while this is a most uncharitable thing for a husband to say to his wife and mother of all his children, perhaps you and he are suffering from two sides of the same malady: maybe you've both forgotten that people come before things.

he in that he wants all his things completely orderly
you in that you hold on to too many things.

PandaB, here's a suggestion from a recovered hoarder: get help. but maybe not of the professional type, but the pracitcal type. ask husband or some friends to help you reduce EVERY category of stuff by*** at least 50%.***

categories include:
books
kitchen utensils
pots and pans
clothes
knick knacks (deplete this by 80% and you'll NEVER be sorry)
hygiene items
utility and junk drawer stuff like string, tape, clothespins whatever
craft stuff
toys Toys TOYS!!!! (especially toys in small pieces and toys that make noise)
CDs, videos, DVDs and stuff

make 3 piles:
trash goes out right away. ( rent a dumpster if you have to --my friend had to do this-- she had so much garbage.)
goodwill (put these in the car and delivered in 24 hours.
items of contention (he says junk, you say no.) agree to deplete the contended items by 80%.
nothing gets donated to any of your friends unless they agree to come today to get it.

at first, it will feel like tearing your own arms off, but after a while, ruthlessness will set it. you'll be exhilarated to be FREE of all the stuff.

since then i'm pretty good about tossing one thing for everything i bring home.

waaaay back then, my worry was, "I'll need this some day" problem with that were several:
1. i usually couldnt find it when i needed it
2. i never needed it
3. living with it till i used it was just really not worth it
4. it showed a certain distrust of God that he wouldnt provide for us EVERY day our daily needs

depending on your home, it will take a half day per room. clean the room and put everything away before moving on to the next room.

this process made a WORLD of difference for us.

[/quote]

I second this post. MoniCatholic does it again :thumbsup:

If you get your husband involved in the process, he will see that you are making an effort too and he'll appreciate it very much.

My husband is a hoarder! I hate it :) I throw things away and then I find them a year later in the garage :rolleyes:


#20

[quote="Jay82, post:17, topic:205500"]
Don't beat yourself up too much about this. You have been pregnant a lot and have 3 young children to care for as well.

Does your husband do his fair share of the cleaning/housekeeping? Keeping a house clean takes work from both the husband and wife. It is not one person's job. Maybe you should try to talk with him regarding dividing up responsibilities for cleaning. Have him do some and you do some.

You could even try to have a room in the house designated for him (like an office) that will be off limits to the kids so it will stay clean. This way he can 'escape' to it, if the rest of the house is too cluttered or messy. Or maybe focus on keeping one room exceptionally neat (like the bedroom), which will also serve the purpose of him having some of his own space to retire to, to escape the 'chaos' so to speak.

This isn't all on you though. Talk about it with your husband and mutually decide on a way to approach the problem together.

[/quote]

Brilliant and truly responsive.


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