Couples who save their marriage "value their marriage"


#1

I just read an article that stated if a couple wants to save their marriage, they should first "value their marriage". Then from there, they should work on their issues with love that stems from "valuing their marriage". This article said that often marriage counselling is ineffective b/c the couple AND the counsellor don't value marriage.

This article went on to say that instead of marriage counselling, things like Retrouvaille and marriage encounter weekends are much more successful b/c they teach the couple to "value their marriage". The article even said that success rates of weekend retreats are 75% compared to a much lower percentage rate for marriage counselling. It also stated that 38% of couples report the marriage being worse after counselling.

The article even stated that many marriage counsellors are not qualified and many of them are also divorced themselves and they do not value marriage. So if a counsellor does not value marriage, then how can they really help the couple learn to "value their marriage".

It was extremely interesting!! I've never looked at it from this angle before.

I would really like some comments from people who have had experiences in their marriage.


#2

Well, I have never done marriage counseling with a secular counselor. Both times that my husband and I have gone to a counselor together, it’s been a Christian counselor, so I know that the end goal will not end up with us divorced.

I believe that even secular counselors will ask the couple about their goal for therapy, and if they both state that divorce is off the table, the counselor will honor that. Now, if one of the couple does individual therapy, and talks about divorce as something he or she has considered, the counselor will probably explore the topic. I do not believe that counselors would actively support someone in divorcing since all the research and statistics say that divorce wrecks lives, especially the children. 20 years ago, people thought “it’s better to move on and be happy,” but we are learning the facts now that divorce has been destroying families for a longer time. Counselors really do want to help people, not cause them harm or help them cause themselves harm.

And a counselor who has been divorced may be the strongest advocate of marriage…having been through the process and knowing first-hand ho destructive divorce really is.


#3

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:2, topic:240767"]
Well, I have never done marriage counseling with a secular counselor. Both times that my husband and I have gone to a counselor together, it's been a Christian counselor, so I know that the end goal will not end up with us divorced.

I believe that even secular counselors will ask the couple about their goal for therapy, and if they both state that divorce is off the table, the counselor will honor that. Now, if one of the couple does individual therapy, and talks about divorce as something he or she has considered, the counselor will probably explore the topic. I do not believe that counselors would actively support someone in divorcing since all the research and statistics say that divorce wrecks lives, especially the children. 20 years ago, people thought "it's better to move on and be happy," but we are learning the facts now that divorce has been destroying families for a longer time. Counselors really do want to help people, not cause them harm or help them cause themselves harm.

And a counselor who has been divorced may be the strongest advocate of marriage...having been through the process and knowing first-hand ho destructive divorce really is.

[/quote]

Oh yes, I agree 100%. I'm just going by the statistics that for 80% of couples, counselling does nothing for them and 38% reported it made their marriage worse.

I kinda agree that maybe a marriage weekend encounter is a better idea. I'd like to do this with my husband when the kids are older.

I dunno...what do I know about marriage any way :rolleyes: I'm still working on mine :o


#4

Hmmm- in my case divorce was the very best option and has actually enriched my life and also my son' life.

Having said that, I think there are just too many variables to actually add to this discussion so, carry on without me. ;)


#5

well, I’m glad you are both happier now. divorce is sometimes the best option especially if there’s abuse.


#6

You are correct. Determining a therapeutic outcome is standard protocol.

Again, you got it.

Well… Yes and no. I’ve never heard of a therapist cheering on couples contemplating divorce, but there is such a beast as divorce therapy for couples who are divorcing but do not want the process to deteriorate into an psychic holocaust where no one, themselves and their children, is left emotionally intact. A friend of mine and her now ex went through a number of sessions when they divorced about a few years back, and although they’re not best friends, he did go above and beyond for for her when she had a bad car accident last year. So who knows, there might be something to it.:shrug:

To the OP, outside of Pre-Cana (which didn’t do a whole lot for us, honestly), I’ve never gone through any faith-based counseling, marriage retreats, encounter weekends, etc. But, my husband and I have had two couples therapists in our 10+ years marriage, we’re in therapy now, actually, and have been for the past three years. He also sees a therapist for himself (required as part of his job), and I have my own therapist (not required, but my job takes me into pretty dark places and I need to think it through with a professional a couple of times a month.)

At the risk of sounding like a nut job I highly recommend therapy. I think it’s deepened and strengthened our marriage and made me a much better mother than I would have been without it. We’ve really stripped our relationship down to the bare bones - spiritually, emotionally, sexually, financially, physically - so both of us can articulate what our core values are as a couple. And we communicate with each other much better than we did before we started therapy.

I’m one of those people who thinks everybody would be better off with a therapist. :rotfl:


#7

on a joking note, it you look at celebrities, they all have therapists and they are still all mixed up.


#8

[quote="Serap, post:7, topic:240767"]
on a joking note, it you look at celebrities, they all have therapists and they are still all mixed up.

[/quote]

True, but I think they're mixed up for other reasons than having therapists. :D


#9

Just thinking of all the people I’ve known who have gone to secular marriage counseling, the overwhelming majority ended up getting divorced anyway. Must be something sad but true about the article’s statistics.


#10

There are therapist out there that are pro family...it would be interesting to know what their stats are like


#11

I think it’s important to note that just because you go to a Christian counselor does not mean the counselor values marriage. I’ve been to ones who questioned why I am married and how divorce was no worse than having ice cream melt. Bad, bad, bad!

What we need to remember is to discern whether or not counselors see marriage as part of inherent moral principles. The way I see it, who cares about values-- values change more than China’s tampering with their currency! Principles are what matter because they should reflect an inherent moral foundation.

If a counselor inherently believes and advocates for the moral foundation of marriage, they are going to teach that to any couple they come across and work to prevent divorce. These counselors are rare and far in between.

Don’t let the term “Christian” fool you-- remember, there are “Christian” pro-choicers out there! (I used to be one).


#12

True. I know many Catholics who are divorced and many Catholics who support divorce. Having a Catholic counsellor isn’t always a good thing either.


#13

That’s also why Retrouvaille is so valuable, because it’s peer-lead and taught from actual married couples who are Catholic and want others to hold their relationships to high principle.


#14

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.