Well, I went to confession today to confess suicidal thoughts. I have a mental disorder called schizoaffective disorder with which I was diagnosed two years ago while trying to complete my master’s in theology. I have $48.000 in debt and high psychiatric medical insurance and mediations to pay for. And right now I am working as a cashier at a grocery store, living with my parents, unable to support myself. I also have insomnia which has kept me from getting a better job. And I am such a painfully reserved person that I don’t know what kind of job in teaching or ministry I could really get with my degree. The good things in my life now are my faith and my family… but my faith could be helping me a lot more than it is. Spending most of my waking hours doing something I find meaningless is no way for a person to live. Those are the crosses I am bearing. I face a life of emptiness, intellectual stagnation, financial dilemmas and boredom.
I just have a problem with seeing suffering as something like money, especially when it shouldn’t be there in the first place. Like God is the “suffering banker.” I can understand suffering as a consequence for someone doing something wrong. But I don’t see how suffering, which is an evil, can earn you things for yourself and other people. It’s an internal, individual experience of evil.
Sometimes it just seems like we humans started out suffering from the very beginning through evolution and Jesus came down to share that suffering with us… And then ask us to suffer more in imitation of Him. Why do love and life have to be all about suffering?
None of my questions really help me in the everyday. I could have solidarity with Jesus in my suffering, but then think something like it was wicked for him to come down and make suffering the way to Life in imitation of Him when He really shouldn’t have had to suffer at all. Then I try proving my love in spite of suffering, and after a while get to thinking that I can love just as well without suffering at all. It all just seems so unnecessary. Vain. Suffering really has no meaning. Only love has meaning.
I just want to have some way of living through suffering without thinking that I am only being slowly diminished and that it would be better not to live at all than to live a sorry meaningless life. Maybe I’m just so obsessed with my suffering that I can’t see anything else in life. Or maybe I really am suffering that much and suffering is somehow my vocation. I can’t tell anymore. But I need to make something better out of what I’ve got going on now spiritualitywise.
I don’t want to dismiss all of my suffering so that it may not be put to good use just because I don’t understand the process. So I am a slave of Mary but truly without understanding. But I would just like to forget about suffering or deal with it without seeing it as my destiny in life.
Anyway, I’m rambling. It’s just like asking Why is there evil in the world? God doesn’t always say why He just transforms it. But I’m not sure I like the transformation of something that shouldn’t be there in the first place. That’s all. That was hard for me to say.