Crushed by Grief


#1

My adoptive father just died. When I returned home for his funeral, my younger brother (my adoptive father’s first biological child) and I got into a *huge fight *that threatens to end our relationship. He and his wife were making sarcastic comments to me at length. I eventually confronted my brother about them. He identified with my concerns at first, but called me the next day. We fought horribly over the phone. He said he resented me for being the center-of-attention as a child, and for always dominating our relationship. He added that I had never praised him for his achievements as an educator, and never paid much attention to him, after leaving home 28 years ago. The conversation ended in extreme verbal combat. My son and I flew back to Texas from Colorado yesterday. My son is departing for Georgia today. I feel completely wiped out, emotionally, kneeling before The Cross, trying to unite my suffering with Christ’s. I’m crushed by the grief of *guilt. *


#2

Are you feeling guilt because of what your brother said is true, or because you had a huge argument on the day your father passed away?

Either way, I will be praying for your situation. I am sorry for your loss too.


#3

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss. Praying for you.


#4

It is quite normal to strike out at someone,some thing - anything when one loses a loved one. We blame the hospital, the nurses, the medicines. if only we had been there , if only we had…if only…

You are the elder, so bend with the fury of your brother’s wrath. It will blow over. Like the Prodigal Son, he resents you as an interloper, a usurper perhaps of his father’s love but time will heal. You must be the first to pick up the phone & say sorry, the first to offer the hand of friendship. You will be stronger & happier for it & you know that’s what your father would want you to do.

It seems like an eternity now…but a few short years and you will be joining him. Meet him without anger or regret in your heart. Do your best; no one expects any more but don’t nurture the bitterness or it will consume you.


#5

Mostly because what he said was true. I also regret the things I said while we were screaming at each other.


#6

Thank you. You’re very kind.


#7

Thank you. I just finished writing a heart-felt letter to him in which I apologized for ignoring him for the last 28 years. This realization has floored me. I feel horrible.


#8

Praying for you Alfred!

Give it a day or so, and see if you can patch things up with your brother. Apologize to him, and accept anything he says with humility. Don’t fight back, even if he’s wrong. Then, allow time for healing.

Jim


#9

Praying for you, your brother, and the repose of the soul of your father …

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death.
Amen


#10

Thank you, folks. I appreciate it.


#11

We will all keep you and your brother in our prayers. Your brother probably hoped to impress you for years…to have you see him as valuable and successful.
If he can’t respond, well the hurt has been there for so long…but I thank God you have written what you now see. At least he will know. Both of you are deep in loss and well as shock.

I ask the Holy Spirit to move in your hearts and responses. He clearly already has in your humble realisation and reaching out with your letter.

Maybe in a way it was your adoptive father’s passing gift that your brother was able to express his profound hurt, and that you have been able to see it and understand.

God bless you, Trishie


#12

Good insights. I think you’re right. Thank you.:slight_smile:


closed #13

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.