This is long, but I need to shout it to the world, so here goes…
I come from a family that would be setting their aspirations high to be equal to the guests on Jerry Springer. So needless to say I was not raised to be particularly religious. I have always believed in God and felt that we had a healthy personal relationship. I am a person who does not make even little decisions lightly, so when it came to my religion I have spent a large part of my teens and adult life researching all of the worlds religions. I have attended at least one Sunday (or Saturday depending on the faith) at each different type of church that I had access to. None truly spoke to me, so I settled for my personal relationship with God and felt fine about that.
Then I there were some events in my life that shattered my world and shook my faith in one way or another.
- I gave birth to my daughter and son. After giving birth how can you not believe.
- I lost my step-grandmother (one of 2 people in my life who led me down the right path and who raised me). I was holding her hand when we took her off of life support and in the moment she passed. As strange as it sounds, this also renewed my faith as it was.
- My 20 year old sister was murdered when she was 5 months pregnant by the father of the child. I was 6 months pregnant at the time. This shattered my world and my faith to oblivion. I entered a deep depression and had to seek counseling. After my son was born, I felt guilt and sorrow seeping through every part of my being every time I looked at him or held him because she was so excited about being a mother and she never got to experience that. Every time he did something new, all I could think about was how she would have loved sharing the stories and how Avery should have been doing it shortly after him. I was emotionally strangled in the instance that he strangled her.
How and why could God let this happen? I needed answers, and the only place to get clear and concise answers was a true spritual leader. I had thought about Catholicism when I had my children because my husband was raised catholic and I want my children baptised. It is a beautiful religion and his family are ideal examples of living as good catholics. I am lucky enough to have a priest in our local church whom I believe is a truly spritual leader. So I started RCIA classes.
I now find myself still confused and fearful, however I want to shout to the world, “Jesus is within me!” I feel him in my heart. I don’t just believe, I know. He has touched my heart and soul and I am compelled to hug everyone I see who appears sad or lost. Thank you!