Dad wants me to be immoral?


#1

Hello everyone,

I don’t really know what to make of the situation I’m in right now. First I’ll explain the history.

I am 19. My parents are divorced. My dad has always been very liberal with my younger sisters and I, to say the least. Despite raising my sisters and I Catholic (sending us to Catholic school, taking us to Mass every Sunday) my dad always told me that having sex before marriage was “normal” and “to be expected” and when I was 16 and in my first relationship I had sex. After a mix up with the pill that I thought had been a miscarriage, my dad made the rule that I always had to be on birth control. When I was 17 and in another relationship my dad asked me if I wanted a lock on my door and let my boyfriend and I spend as much time in my room as we wanted. At this time I didn’t consider myself to be Catholic.

When I was 17 I decided I wanted to be Catholic again and my boyfriend and I stopped having sex. I told my dad this because I was very proud of myself and all he did was laugh at me and say that it wasn’t going to last ( my “chastity kick” as he called it). And he still had the rule for me to be on birth control, but as I didn’t want to be putting that into my body I just told him I was on it, would buy it, but wouldn’t take it.

Fast forward to now. The guy that I stopped having sex with and I have broken up. He turned out to be very controlling and my parents are now paranoid that any man I date will try to run my life. I am dating a wonderful Catholic friend of mine who is committed to chastity as well. I am currently backpacking in Europe by myself.

My dad is very upset that I am dating Pat. In my dad’s mind, if I am dating Pat then I won’t “live life to the fullest” (I am sure we can all figure out what he means by that). But in reality I am living life to the fullest. I am having a blast, going out with friends and having a great time, the only thing I’m not doing is having a string of hookups and meaningless relationships that are somehow supposed to give me “real live experience”.

My dad is so against Pat and I dating that he won’t let Pat drive me out to University in the fall (I’m going to University in another city). My dad would rather pay for me to fly than have me spend any time at all with Pat. My mom likes Pat a lot. She sees that he pushes me to be a better person. I just want my dad to give Pat and I a break, but how do I tell him to back off without being disrespectful???

Oh and now my dad is probably going to start letting/making my little sisters go on birth control. I take full responsibility for the sins I committed and I know that they are my fault, not my father’s. But at the same time, I probably wouldn’t have done that had I not been given free range to do so. How do I explain to him that this style of parenting is bad???


#2

Your dad sounds like real piece of work. I don’t know that anything you say will get through to him. Talk about controlling. Your dad is the one who is controlling!

So, regarding Pat, if you are paying your own way then you can do whatever you want and you don’t need to explain yourself or do what your father says. If he is helping pay expenses towards your schooling/living then he does have some say in what you do and with whom. But, so does your mother. Where is she in all this?

You do not have to stop seeing your boyfriend, but if you want family peace perhaps him driving you to school is something you can forego. If your relationship is solid and built on a firm foundation, this is a minor inconvenience and will not have an impact on you two.

Regarding your dad, if he’s not a believer I don’t know what you can tell him about birth control that he will accept. There are some good materials on www.omsoul.com that you might order regarding the negative effects of birth control on women’s bodies.

Regarding your sisters, get some purity information for them such as Pure Love by Jason Evert or Romance Without Regret. Check out the websites www.chastity.com or www.pureloveclub.net.

You sound like a young lady who is really maturing in her faith and in her life. I know it’s hard when you want a parent’s approval, but you may have to learn to live without your earthly father’s approval and instead have your Heavenly Father’s approval. It’s hard, I know, but put your trust in Christ and he will be sufficient for you.


#3

Thanks 1ke!

I think you’re right about driving to school. It’s probably not worth it.

Well the issue with my dad is that he thinks he’s a believer :p. He goes to Mass every Sunday, but says sometimes he thinks the Eucharist is Christ and sometimes he doesn’t. He doesn’t see the need for confession but thinks he’s grand in the Church’s eyes because he runs the coffee after church. I’ve tried explaining to him many times why the Church believes what it does, but he seems to want no part in it. It gets very frustrating!

He is paying for 1/3 of my schooling. I am paying 1/3 and so is my mom. My mom thinks Pat and I are good together. She’s certainly not as liberal as my dad, but isn’t exactly conservative either. And my sisters are going to be exposed to both my mom and dad’s styles of parenting because they switch houses every week.

I have bought all my sisters and I (including one for the baby when she gets bigger) matching rings that I’m going to have blessed and have all of us use them as chastity rings. I’m thinking about sitting both my teenage sisters down and having a good long talk with them about sex, how I had to learn the hard way that it’s not meant for anything but marriage. Maybe they’ll be able to learn from my experience.


#4

…AdriannaJean, I think that there is somehting very, very wrong with your father…

I’m worried about you…:frowning:

xxx jennifer xxx


#5

Hi Adrianna,
Blessings upon you! You are a true lady. You certainly have your head screwed on right. I don’t know if there’s much more you can say to your dad about this matter. He certainly has his views on the Mass, the Church, himself, and Pat, so I would just say pray for him. As 1ke said, you don’t need Pat to drive you out to University, just spend some time with him before you leave.

I like your idea of buying purity rings for you and your sisters. Go ahead and have that talk with them.

Have fun in Europe, and may your discernment with Pat be blessed.
Spirithound


#6

When I was growing up, my mom was the same way. It was basically, “every teenager is going to have sex” type of thing. I hated being pressured into having sex by my own mother. It was as if she was so proud that she was “with the times” by having this attitude. She is also very liberal.
Be proud of yourself for wanting to be chaste. It is a gift from God that you have realized this. Save yourself for marriage to the right man and ignore all the jibes of your dad. Water off a duck’s back!


#7

It’s not really your fault if your dad has pushed it on to you. I would try to protect your sisters as soon as possible and non-spermicidal condoms or even spermicidal condoms are more ethical than birth control pills. Spermicide is less ethical as it can abort in 1 in 200 million pregnancies but they’re also removing it from most condoms. It’s not normal to have sex before marriage and the friends I know like you have had abortions because a girl can get pregnant when she has sex so she needs to be in a stable relationship. Ignore your dad’s advice because he’s a mentally unwell man. Even if you’ve had an abortion you can go to confession. I’ve got a friend whose mother told her to have sex when she was 16 as she had had an affair and was an alcoholic. She had an abortion. Don’t take advice like that.


#8

I tend to think the “teens have lots of sex” is just an excuse for bad parenting and poor sex ed.


#9

:sad_yes:


#10

Budgie2 I wouldn´t go quite so far as that. Unfortunately OP´s dad is the same as millions of other parents. I´m sure he believes he´s doing the most responsible, best thing for his daughters, motivated by love for his daughters. That doesn´t make his attitudes correct, but I´m sure he´s not actively trying to harm his daughters wellbeing in any way.

Perhaps you should speak to your sisters about your experiences. Of course your Dad did not force you to have sex, neither will he force your sisters. They have free-will and will chose whether or not they will have sex, so guidance from you could be very helpful.


#11

Adriannajean, You know I am very sorry that you’re Dad didn’t raise you with more self worth. Your post made me remember my own Father, who passed away almost 12 years ago.

My father was a very simple man, didn’t have much education. God blessed him with 2 daughters. My father was very strict, and growing up I sometimes tried to rebel against the strictness.

But he was fair and very loving. He treated me with so much love and made me feel special.

There was no way possible that at 16 he would have ever allowed a boy to sleep over with me. Really no way. There would be no way I would even ask. There would be incredible fear in my part, and not fear of punishment, fear of hurting and disappointing someone who loved me so much.

Your dad’s attitude is very odd to me for a father of daughters. Even men that I know who aren’t particularly religious, seem protective of their daughters. I know a man who has twin daughters who joked that his daughters couldn’t date until 25.


Budgie…you keep mentioning non spermicidal condoms as being acceptable to Catholics. They aren’t. By chance do you own stock in them?:D;)


#12

For what it’s worth, here’s my :twocents:.

Your dad has one foot firmly planted in the secular world, but on Sundays he dips one toe in the Catholic world. Having probably lived the lifestyle that he’s encouraging his children to live, he doesn’t see it as a problem. He thinks it normal. (The popular media in the secular world tells him it is.) However, your nice Catholic boyfriend–now there’s a threat. He threatens not only to your happiness but to your dad’s. A chaste Catholic man proves that not everyone “does it”. If one justifies sin because “everyone else is doing it”, then encounters with the chaste pose a real threat to a secular world view.

Not only that, but your dad’s beloved daughter has found a man who is *not *like her daddy. Your dad has lived for many years under the misconception that he’s a “good Catholic”. If your description of your boyfriend is correct, now your dad sees what real “wonderful Catholics” act like, and your dad can’t help but notice the difference. He notices the changes in you too. Since your dad sees nothing wrong with what he’s doing, your dad assumes that there must be something wrong with your boyfriend whose leading you to act differently too.

As a parent, I’ve learned first hand that parenting often helps parents become better people. With God’s grace, that can happen for your dad. But he needs to take an honest look at himself and that can be painful if we don’t want to see ourselves how we really are. Continue to set a good example. By changing yourself and growing in sanctity, you help your father. Pray for him and go to Confession regularly. Invite your dad to come with you to Confession. Parents and children alike benefit from a good examination of conscience and the grace of that Sacrament.

Prayers for you and your dad.:gopray:


#13

*Hi Adrianna–I’m sorry that you are not receiving a moral message at home, as to living pure life. :frowning: Of all people, we expect our parents/guardians to be that beacon of hope and enlightenment for us…I gotta say, I was taken aback in a big way, reading this thread. :o

Do you happen to know why your parents divorced? Just curious, as I wonder if your dad has a problem with commitment, and is insidiously passing this down on to you. (Misery loves company kind of thing) Maybe he is jealous of your relationship with Pat. I see this differently. No parent in his/her right mind would encourage sexual promiscuity, regardless of religion being a factor, with their own kids. Maybe act like he/she doesn’t care…but not push immoral thoughts on their kids…I think that he could be trying to sabotage your relationship with Pat, because he is jealous of the relationship–and how thoughtful and pure Pat is…something your dad never was possibly…he doesn’t have your mom anymore…so he tries to convince you that you should play around…thus, you won’t be commited–just like him. See where I’m heading with this?

I’m just guessing, but it sounds like it could be part of the problem, at least. *


#14

*I also agree with gardenswithkids…either way, I sense he is trying to sabotage your thing with Pat, because he is reminded of all he isn’t…and how he really needs to change. Easier to just get Pat out of the picture, so by making it hard to see Pat…he is hoping Pat will get tired of having to play your dad’s games, and will move on.

I feel badly for your dad, Adrianna…with God, there is hope. I pray that your dad sees the Light. That he realizes that this is only going to drive a wedge between you and him…and God and him. I will keep you and your dad in my prayers.

I also wish you a great trip in Europe …how cool is that? :slight_smile: Lucky girl! *


#15

As a 19-year old male, I don’t have much perspective on parenting. However, I would just like to say that Pay is a very lucky man to have such a strong girlfriend with good morals.

If you are going off to school soon, you probably won’t have much “control” in the house. However, what you do have going for you is that you can be a good role-model for your sisters. If you are able to tell your sisters that you made a mistake and are now having the time of your life, they might be able to see that being a strong Catholic and not having sex until marriage is the right thing to do. You have learned from your mistake and now have the additional opportunity to help prevent your sisters from making the same mistake.


#16

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