Dad's depression and current problem


if anybody in here has experience with a depressed friend/relative, please, give me advice. my dad was diagnosed with depression (I had suspected before a little birdie confirmed it) a long time ago. he refuses to take medicine, because he’s convinced that it would be on his “record”, and he wouldn’t be able to get insurance or get hired in the future. And I apologize for the lenght of this thing…

It’s stupid, really, this situation. I got an unexpected scholarship two weeks ago. He wanted me to check on it “straight away”, but I was waiting until I could go down to campus to buy books (Kill two birds with one stone…I’m hard of hearing and have difficulty with the phone). So, I went down today, asked about my scholarship (is it really mine?). They said they might reduce my loan; have me use the scholarship to pay for some of tuition instead, that way I won’t lose my other scholarship. (They said I’m an “over award”). She said she would check on it for me, to see if that would happen to me. “Okay,” I thought, and bought books, then came home. I wasn’t counting on having “free” money, Dad told me not to count on it. So I didn’t sweat it, and told dad everything.

Well, that didn’t go over well. He somehow got the impression I was going to lose everything, all my financial aid, then he’d be stuck paying for both me and my brother who’s starting this fall. I should have done it “weeks and weeks and weeks ago, ages ago” that way we wouldn’t have to have been waiting and not have any money at all and be left hanging there, it was all my fault, we had just done my budget for the year, etc etc etc. It just went on and on…he was being very irrational, wouldn’t accept what I had to say whatsoever. I was stupid for not asking all the questions, all the right questions, right when he wanted me to (we were on vacation when I found out!) He wanted me (and my mom who somehow got dragged into this) to admit we were wrong, it was our mistake to wait, and that he was right all along. That was the whole point of the yelling it seemed. He never offered any solutions (immediately shooting down mine and my mom’s). He just kept going over and rehashing “my mistake” in order to get me to admit I made a mistake. That’s like shooting a dead horse. He wouldn’t accept my explaination why I couldn’t call earlier, the thought I was using my disability as an excuse, when it is the truth, and that hurts. This is my father, you know. I expected him to be more considerate.

I know i didn’t make a mistake. Financial aid doesn’t handle stuff until August anyway, I found that out last year when I kept coming in with questions far too early for them to be ready for me. But my dad wasn’t in control, so he had to put me back under his thumb. He even told me (planning my yearly budget) to spend x on clothes, x on food, x on books (out of my own money!). He had been going off of the extra 2000 scholarship money in my account. (and he said he wasn’t planning on it?) Now that I might be spending that 2000 on tuition, and if I spent like my dad told me to, my account will shrink considerably! Far more than he wants it to (and that’s my fault, apparently).

And I just now found out that I got another 2000 scholarship. I should be leaping for joy (Dad told me to apply for the general fund scholarships in the first place!), but now I’m dreading tomorrow, when I should probably tell him. I’m blessing God for the money, but why can’t my dad be happy about my great grades, and free money, and having to pay less in loans this particular school year? Without beating me up verbally?

It’s not like any of us in the family are giving him any cause to be down or angry or anything. We’ve been walking on eggshells since he found out he can get away with working from home all the days of the week. This summer has been stressful…the littler ones arent’ allowed to be kids…didn’t you fight with your siblings, then learn how to get along without your parents getting involved? Well, if mom doesn’t break up the crying, fighting, whining right away, then d gets over involved. Eggshells.

Is depression an excuse in this confusing case? It’s mostly a rant, but I needed to get it out of my system. And I’ll understand if you can’t understand this post, becuase I’m feeling incoherent at the moment. But I’m still crying from this morning’s blowup. Any coping advice or tips on how to handle this situation in the future would be very helpful. I wish D would take the medicine and spare us! (I’m suspecting he’s bipolar because he buys stuff we don’t need alot, but this is unconfirmed).


Dear Holly,

My heart goes out to you … your growing-up years sound an awful lot like mine. The walking on eggshells, the browbeating, the yelling, the controlling behavior, etc. I know how difficult it can be, and how painful. :hug1:

My father was never diagnosed with depression, but I have often wondered whether that (or some other psychological problem) might have been the reason for his behavior. He made life very difficult for our family.

As for coping strategies, well … I left home after my first two years of college, and things were a lot better for me after that. Before that, God blessed me with an ability to find comfort in reading and in music, and with several good friends … with His help, I was able to make it through until I was able to leave home.

If you want to talk more, please PM me anytime at all … I’ve been there, and I understand! Sometimes I can help just to vent or share



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