Dating a Deist


I’m worried about my relationship with my boyfriend of over 2 months who does not share my faith. But I am very scrupulous and tend to worry about everything, so some outside opinions will be very much appreciated. I am 20 years old and I’ve only had one other boyfriend that only lasted one month, so I pretty much have no idea what I’m doing. :eek:

I met this man during a musical we were in together where emotions are high. I had my first kiss with him after opening night. Part of me feels bad about that because I use to say I would save if first kiss for my wedding day (if I get married) and I was really strict with boundaries with my last boyfriend, so now I feel like a hypocrite. But then the another part of me thinks I was too strict before, and that I should lighten up a little otherwise it will be hard to find a relationship that works. But now I just don’t know where and how to set my standards. No sex is the obvious one, but what do I do when he wants to kiss me a lot, or cuddle, etc., which he pushes for a lot? I can’t say I don’t like these physical aspects, but I don’t really know if they’re acceptable or not, and there is still some burden on my conscience. I am a very shy and meek person, and I have a hard time communicating what I’m not okay with especially since he doesn’t share my faith and I’m afraid he won’t understand my reasoning. And I’m very bad with words, especially in person, so I’m afraid of saying something the wrong way. Should it be enough just to say when I’m just not comfortable with something? Though I asked him to stop something and he respected it at first, but then tried it again later and I didn’t know how to react. It makes me anxious that he keeps pushing my boundaries.

I really don’t want to lose him. I have let too many friendships grow apart, and I blame myself for bad communication. If I give up on what we have, I’ll feel like I failed because I didn’t try hard enough to make it work because I was too afraid to express my beliefs. I’ll feel like I gave up too easily. And he does have many wonderful qualities that help make me a better person. If I didn’t think so, I would not have cared enough to write this thread. He has been helping me break out of my comfort zone, which is good on levels of communication and holding on to relationships including reconnecting with old friends, but maybe not so good on the physical level. I know that he cares about how I’m feeling and he often asks me what’s on my mind. My problem is that sometimes I’m afraid to tell him what’s on my mind. He encourages me to do what I want despite what others, including himself, want me to do. Of course I still want him to be happy too and I don’t want to deny him the physical aspects in the relationship. I just don’t know where to draw the line, or how to tell him I’m uncomfortable with something without making him upset.

When I pray about my vocation, it’s still very fuzzy. I can picture a future with this man, but of course I have many things to be worried about such as the religious upbringing of children. We have talked about our beliefs and he said he believes religion and science do not have to be separate. At least I can say I agree with that, but I do not know a lot about his moral philosophy. Of course I pray for his conversion, but I love him either way. For a long time (around 5 years) I discerned religious life and I have visited a monastery and several convents. Though I thought they were wonderful, I don’t know if that’s the life for me. I had many doubts while I was there, but maybe I’m just being too picky again. And I really do not want to be single since I’m afraid I will too easily let relationships slip away again.

Please pray for me. And thank you for reading my story.


Think for a minute … is he himself thinking about you as you are thinking about him?
Is he committed to doing the truly right thing with you even if it means there are no “physical aspects of relationship” because those physical aspects are part of the definition of Matrimony, so he does without them willingly and with determined will?

Or does he have the urge to touch and take so he touches and takes and tries to lure you to the same prompting and actions on your urges?

You consider yourself young and inexperienced, but you speak of him as a mature sounding man, and in his maturity he has abandoned something you know is true - your faith, your God. That is a mismatch of quality. Is he really mature if he doesn’t know this God, this Truth? Confidence in your being comes by knowing yourself, not by being with someone who seems to have that already, but doesn’t know something vital that you know. You are the mature one, experienced in God, and he is like a child there, making up a god that fits the rules for his game. It may be good to be out of a comfort zone, but not in an unwise way - not without thinking about the implications, such as the implications of him kissing you that first time - you suddenly lost the ability to share your first kiss with your husband on your wedding day - that event will never happen now, you lost it. Don’t lose other things you intend for your life - you will never get them back either.


If you were my daughter, I’d tell you to get out of this relationship ASAP.

  1. He does not share your faith. If you do wind up in a long term relationship, the reality is that he will drag you down rather than you raising him up. Trust me, this is a bad idea.

  2. He keeps pushing you closer and closer to sexual immorality. He’s more interested in what he wants to get from you than “what you’re feeling”. If he respected you, he’d keep his hands and other bits to himself.

This is what I’d tell my daughter. Just by asking the question you know something isn’t right. This relationship is not a good idea…but, people gonna do what they gonna do!


Be strong and pray hard. At the age you are pressure to have sex is so strong, and it is not easy when you are in these situations to hold on to your values. I too wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, and I also thought guys wouldn’t/didn’t like me because of my values. I was 24 when I made the mistake of giving in to this pressure with a guy I had been dating. About a year later, I met the man who was to become my husband. I had, and still have, so much guilt when I told him of my mistake, especially since he waited for marriage. Please don’t make this mistake, you can never change it, and you will regret it forever.


Thank you for your feedback. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I can see that continuing this relationship is outside of God’s will for me. I know I need to end it, and it won’t be easy :frowning: Pray for me to find the right words to say to him.


Remember that the best guys to go for not only religiously but also maturity wise are males that have finished college and started their careers. There is a big difference between men in college and after college. That isnt to say that there arent exceptions to this or that college men are bad to date. But for both men and women, college is a time of finding oneself. When I was in college, I seemed to change what I wanted to do with my life as the wind blew. Most of my friends were that same way. Not exactly the best serious dating or courtship material.


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