Dating and chastity


#1

I’m a 22 year old guy that wants to remain chaste while dating. However, I’m finding it difficult to find girls that also want to keep that commitment. Does anyone here have any advice or experience on this situation that would allow me to do this?

Thanks for the help.

Mark


#2

Tell me about it.

Girls like this do exist. You just have to know where to look. Are there any churches in your area that have youth groups or young adult volunteer programs or similar functions where you could meet people? The vast majority of girls I’ve met in church were seeking chaste relationships. Are there Theology on Tap meetings in your area? I’ve never been to one but they are known for their informal secondary function as Catholic meat markets.


#3

I second the previous poster! :slight_smile: There are women out there who want chaste relationships and are women of God - you just have to seek in the right places.

Does your parish or area have a young adults group? What about volunteering? I know there’s several single men and women in our young adults group. Also, have you thought about joining an online singles group, such as catholicmatch.com or avemariasingles? I was on catholicmatch for a while before I met my husband and it was a great way to meet friends. I met some wonderful men who have become great friends. :slight_smile: There are plenty of good women on there too :).


#4

I 'll give you a golden way of finding the right and most appropriate girl (woman) for you. You will notice that in the “Old Testement” God chose the right person for the right person and job. Well Jesus said that He hadent come to change the old testement but to fulfill it. I didn’t go looking for a woman, and for a long time I never had a woman.

I had asked God for a woman who would just love me for being myself if I was to get married. I did stipulate though that I wished her to be catholic, musical. and above all that she be a strong woman of God. Well this woman came to my doorstep not knowing me and 5 years latter (this saturday gone) we got married.
We both know that it is of God. At our wedding a young chinese woman came up to me and said I saw you smiling all through the serimony and I want God to give me a man like that. In the new testement Jesus still waits for us to give Him the right to have a position in our weddings.
I gave Jesus the highest position in that He was able to choose who I would marry, if at all.
This saturday I married the woman I asked for and all because Jesus


#5

Mark,

Kudos on striving for chastity and wanting to find someone with the same values. Finding another young, single person who truly values chastity these days can be very difficult (unfortunately even among practicing Catholics). These days, “waiting to have sex” seems to mean holding off until after the 1 month anniversary.

My suggestion is to just be clear from the very beginning. Maybe you could consider wearing a “True love waits” type chastity ring. It could be a reminder to you of your own comittment and a good conversation piece/non-as-akward way to bring up the subject for the first time with women. (Going up to a woman at a bar and saying, “Hey, I’m Mark. I won’t have sex with you unless we’re married. Can I buy you a Long Island Ice Tea?” might not be the best idea.)

You may have to face rejection or redicule from some people. But be patient. It will be worth it in the long run.

Also, not to sound cynical, but I wouldn’t suggest dating a girl you’re interested in – who’s not committed to chastity – in hopes of changing her mind. It’s already difficult enough to remain chaste when both the guy and girl are committed to it, much less when one or the other is forced into abstinence kicking and screaming.

Stay strong brother!

Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto.


#6

Check out Dawn Eden’s blog, The Dawn Patrol, and her new book, The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On!

Scott


#7

Hi Mark,

I want to second you on the kudos for your committment to be chaste until marriage. Speaking from the women`s point of view, many women will be very relieved to be able to date a man, such as yourself ( where your goal is to get to know the person, rather than to have sex).

I also recommend seeing if Theology on Tap is in your area. If it is not, you could recommend your diocese start one! I found it a great place to meet fellow Catholics. Although I did have one guy there tell me that while he was Catholic, he didn`t agree with all Catholic teaching, such as premarital sex!

You should be proud of yourself for staying committed to saving sex for marriage. You will never regret that decision!! That quality will make you very attractive to the right kind of woman.

Sincerely,

Maria1212


#8

I would just like to chime in and say that your post offers hope to those of us on the other side. I’m a 22 year old female finding it almost impossible to meet guys who actually hold to the teaching that premarital sex is immoral (gasp! Was I just so audacious as to make a definitive statement about morality! What as I thinking?:slight_smile: ) . It’s reassuring to know that there are, in fact, guys out there who want to remain chaste. Kudos and I promise you that there are girls who feel the same way you do, rare though we may be. :slight_smile: As for finding those people, be friendly and open to meeting new people and trust that if God intends for you to be married He’ll bring the right person into your life at the right time. I know it’s frustrating sometimes (being patient is hard) but it’s a lot better than trying to force a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your convictions (trust me, I’ve tried).


#9

Someone told me once that he would never have premarital sex with his girlfriend because, if he did, he would be helping her go to hell since it is a mortal sin. He said that would not be love. I recently started dating a man in his late 50’s. (I’m 52.) We agreed up front we would not have sex outside of marriage because to do so would be immoral. Do you know what a relief it is to date someone who loves me enough not to ask me to commit a mortal sin? I never have to worry that he’ll try to have sex with me. Of course, as we’ve gotten closer, it is sometimes difficult to hold true to our conviction in this. However, we know that God will provide the grace to help us persevere.The right woman is out there for you. God will introduce you to her when the time is right.


#10

Mark, it is refreshing to see a young man with such strong values. I am a young woman (20) and have the same trouble with guys my age. It can be hard, but I feel that the girls and guys our age refuse to think for themselves and let themselves be brainwashed by the media. It is insane the way our society encourages premarital sex to young people. We will have much more happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships when God brings the right people into our lives. I also agree with the previous posts on youth functions at your parish and so on. I am also trying to start finding some groups or something to meet young Catholic friends. Just wanted to praise your decision and let you know you are not alone! God Bless you! - Christina


#11

Another thought is that you might use online dating sites. In particular I know there are some Catholic ones (though from the experience of my girlfriend they tend to be socially conservative in more ways than morality and theology (i.e. alot of the guys were looking for women who wanted to be stay at home mothers and not have careers outside the home)). Also, eHarmony is not too bad (how I met my girlfriend)… but you do have to be upfront in your expectations.


Bill


#12

Well I obviously tuned in late to this conversation. Never the less, I want to commend you for your virtue, and anyone else like you who shares your sentiments and our Christian beliefs. As Christians, following God’s plan will help contribute to making His world a better place, and I believe God will bless you for this.

It is important that all Christians of whatever denominational stripe, not add to the confusion that eats like a cancer at the very fabric of our families and society, as we suffer the ramifications of those who ignore, or are ignorant of God’s will for us here.

Guard your feelings and be careful not to allow yourself to fall in love with those who do not share our beliefs. Those who would gratify their own self indulgence at your expense, without any commitment to you, are not worthy of you.
Keep the faith!

apruett


#13

Hey good to see you people looking in the right place for partners.
You know I never thought I would marry but I deciced that who ever the woman was had to be the one God gave me. Well I prayed, and left it at that.
I asked God though that if He had a girl for me then I wanted her to be catholic, a musician, because I am, a person who hears God speak to them and isn’t scared of delivering a message from God ( I like that, straight from the heart). And, well Lord!.., it doesn’t really matter if she is single or has children, say mmmm four, and oh Lord if they need some kind of psychological help that doesn’t matter. You know how it is God doesn’t give us more than we can take and he goes before to prepare the way… and I’ve been counselling youth for so many years, and if I can help someone then, hey!

Well you know, I got the lot, (sweat sweat), yes Our dear Lord heard my prayer and as we all know we must be spacific and mean what we say when asking our Lord. I got the lot all right and you know I sure am able to help these four children.
They have all been traumatised and so has mum but she is so sweet and loving I could not ask for more.

Here then is the key to the children’s changing for the better. I not they am the one to have to change, yes Our Lord used these people to change me for the works He designed for the childrens mother and myself. You know what! it’s hard work but…very rewarding and as you all know it is only our humanness that doesn’t want us to change. But with my changing there are so many blessings for my wife and I.

Well there is a message here and that is that if God has a person for you then He will give that person to you, and they will be the right one for you. God will also bless you with the gifts to get through all and I mean all situations. My wife and I have just gotten through our first war with satan and he was trying his hardest to break us. But our Lord told us to not look at each other but keep our eyes on Jesus because we fight against principalities of darkness.
I look at it this way if we look at ourself as say being the mental physical spiritual and emotional person that we are then if one part breakes down then we have no strength. We have to add the centre pole as the main pole that holds us together. When any of the corners breaks down then it is the centre pole (Jesus) who keeps us together.

We have gone through this testing time and are so close and so much more in love drawn closer together through the power and our reliance upon the centre pole, Jesus. For our love is not towards each other first, but all love to Jesus, who is our King.
Pray brothers , sisters there is a person for you if that if God’s will and if you fervently believe, and they will be the right person for you.

God bless
littleone


#14

I’ll tell you what works for me:

  1. No flirting with girls or women I could never marry. Ever. Just nothing. It’s easier not to start at all than to quit.
  2. Nothing with those I would most reasonably not marry ever. If it’s mutual, such as let’s say we get along well but she’s 10 years older or something, which we both realise, I won’t avoid talking or dancing or something, but no “progress”. Just social.
  3. If I already know I wouldn’t like the girl to be my wife or the mother of my children, I don’t expect her to change as it goes on. I don’t touch it.
  4. Therefore, deriving from 3, I’m careful about where I cast my net.
  5. It quickly comes out I’m Catholic or may already be well known in a given environment. Asking me for sex despite knowing my stance means the end. Being drunk and lonely doesn’t count… maybe as a half.
  6. If I’m not in love, I don’t do it. If I were to have a coffee with every girl I’m biologically attracted to, I’d… Well, basically, attraction doesn’t cut it. Friendship plus attraction perhaps could, but it would have to be a very extraordinary person and all, so that’s it. Not a newly met one.
  7. No mushiness with strangers. Once I decided a few years ago that slow dancing etc was for close friends and lovers, I felt better about myself and my life improved. Kissing is for girlfriends or crushes but if I want them to become girlfriends. There’s no need whatsoever to kiss a nice girl you met in the library or on the undeground. If she becomes your girlfriend, you will kiss her then. Kissing with all new dates is tacky and poor style, especially if it’s like three different people a week. Friends are friends, girlfriends are girlfriends. Friends with benefits are contra ordinem. Natural law rocks. As does logic and common sense. Yuppee.
  8. Backing off, changing the subject, going to bed (my own), whatever, if tension’s growing. This doesn’t mean telling a girl getting dreamy and melting that you’re stopping here and now and preaching a sermon, but it does mean finding a way to get out of the situation. I still have a problem overrating some things and being paranoid, but I’m working on it. Just to be clear, I don’t believe in setting rules with numbers in. I just believe in making it clear that there will be no sex, no foreplay etc - and better still let it be a girl for whom it’s not a sacrifice. Being merely playful like kittens or young siblings or whatever isn’t a sin. I think. I doubt it’s healthy to interpret whatever’s cuddly as sexual. Just makes people tense and obsessed, which is counterproductive. Obsessions with a sexual background are never healthy anyway.
  9. Praying. Should probably go upstairs, not #9. I remember saying prayers when feeling a strong attraction. I pray for the future wife, whoever it be, future kids to grow up into good Catholics, occasionally the well going of a different vocation if I’m not actually meant for a woman. I pray for the girls I am with. Sometimes those I’m attracted to so that I wouldn’t use them as objects. Etc.
  10. Making it known you’re Catholic early enough in new environments should prevent believers in premarital sex from hitting on you.

#15

Steve Wood is a big proponent of Catholic online dating services.

familylifecenter.net/courtship.asp


#16

Which parish is this???


#17

Casting your net? :smiley: Wish I knew some co-ords for my city, hehe. Actually, coming out of churchyard today, I was passed by a, gasp, young girl of a pleasant demanour, who smiled at me. I was like, “Oh my, they exist.”. :smiley: Too bad I didn’t even say a good evening. :smiley: There might be some group worth signing up there in the parish buildings. Perhaps it’s time to stop being a loner. There’s a reason I never was an altar boy. :smiley:


#18

Yes, women like those you mention exist. However, even those who do not exist as such can begin existing…lol do I make sense? Let me explain, If I did not think the way you do and if I a potential boyfriend were to tell me about how he would like to save his intimacies for marriage, and was to explain the concept well, I don’t think a woman like me would be very hard to convince. I am like you as well and would like to save physical intimacies for marriage, but I have heard of women who did not even think of doing that but because they were practicing catholics, were quick to understand their boyfriend’s desire to be chaste till marriage. Does that help any?

-unworthy


#19

The last girl who left me was an agnostic with an own desire to stay chaste until married. :wink: Still, there were other issues. She didn’t like the idea of confession or lent or fasting on Fridays specifically by abstinence from meat specifically, you get the point. I might have had some influence on the forming of that desire, back as a friend and not yet a boyfriend, I don’t know. :wink: I did a fair deal of explaining things in that environment. And thank you for your reply. :slight_smile: Excuse the smileys, please. Going through some unexplained optimism surge for the last hour or two. :wink:


#20

The last girl who dumped me was an agnostic with an own desire to stay chaste until married.

That’s so good! One day if she so decides to marry she will not regret that decision. She will be even more glad once she crosses over and becomes Catholic :cool:

-Alison


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