Dating and Girls these days


#1

Hello.
I am a 22 year old guy and I just joined catholic forums because ive had something on my mind for the past few months, and have not really found anyone that i can talk to about this situation. First of all, I was born and raised catholic. I was heavily involve din the catholic church while in college. However, I would not consider myself catholic now (but thats not the important part). Ive lived a very umm… pure life. Never done drugs. I have never had alcohol. Never had sex or anything close. Never had a girlfriend either.

What is bothering me most of all is that most of the girls out there (my age) are all sexually active. VERY VERY VERY few are not. This is a huge problem for me becuase i would rather a girl be a virgin for me to date her. (I have no intention of having sex till after i get married). I feel bad however for having this preference in girls. Most of the friends I have talked to have said that I should not let someone’s sexual history have an effect on how i view the person. And I understand their point. But I am abstaining for sex because i want to only be with ONE person my whole life. I dont want to have more that one sexual partners after i get married, becuase I dont want to have had an intimate connection with anyone else but my wife. And I want the same thing reciprocated…


#2

I think there is a big difference between

(1) Not dating women who ARE sexually active, and

(2) Not dating women who HAVE been sexually active.

Most practicing Catholics would be understanding of a man who doesn’t want to date a woman who has fundamentally different values than he himself does.

However, I think some would find it borderline uncharitable to rule out women who USED to have such different values.

Also, would you similarly prefer not to date a woman who is a widow, or divorcee? (If you are not Catholic anymore then I guess it wouldn’t matter if she had an decree of nullity or not.) Such a woman would not be a virgin, but may very well share your values on sex anyway.


#3

Thats what some of my friends have said. That I shouldnt rule out those women. But I would not feel like there would be that strong of a connection between me and the girl. I would feel like she has a connection still to the other guys she’s been with


#4

So does this mean you wouldn’t want to date a widow or divorcee either, even if she had only “been with” her husband before and shared your values regarding sex before marriage?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a preference for a virginal spouse.

However, since you haven’t dated any women at all, I get the feeling that your ideal wife would be one who not only had never had sex with any other man, but had never had any emotional connection with any other man, either.

Now, this is actually an ideal of the “courtship” approach to marriage discernment. However (and I know you don’t identify as Catholic anymore), I’m not sure this is the “Catholic” approach. Certainly, even many evangelicals believe chaste dating is possible.


#5

Hi zarek, :slight_smile:

I’m 23.

Okay.

:frowning: If most of your peers and those you hang around are sexually active, then I would imagine the girls that hang around with them would also be likewise.

Me too.

I don’t. However, I also wouldn’t ‘write off’ a woman for having a sexual history. for me it would all depend on what their views were.

I would absolutely write off any woman who had a sexual history and thought nothing of it and I wouldn’t feel bad about that, id feel like I dodged a bullet, however, I wouldn’t write off the ones who had made a mistake that they very much regretted.

Did those friends also have a sexual history? Because I believe that would make a lot of sense regarding their advice.

I do in the sense of ‘writing someone off’ but not in the sense of ignoring ones sexual history in the discerning process.

Me too. But saying that, if I met a woman who made a mistake in her past, deeply regretted it and amended her ways, I believe I wouldn’t write her off.

I hope this has helped

God Bless You

Thank you for reading
Josh


#6

Very wise words I believe, hence why I believe ones sexual history would absolutely be part of the discerning process but I wouldn’t write them off because of it either and I believe the connection will be mostly determined by the sacredness of ones sexuality, which I believe could be found for instance in regards to the views of their own sexual history, whether it’s with deep regret and amended ways or no big deal.

I hope this has helped

God Bless You

Thank you for reading
Josh


#7

I think you are right.


#8

Unfortunately, some of the posters respond as if you are the cause of this problem. I don’t think so.
You might try a catholic online site for catholics like match.com. This could greatly widen your pool of women. In your profile you could say the same thing you say here, be upfront. You wouldn’t have anything to lose. Some women would like your saying this because it is true of themself also.
And of course pray for a wife, which maybe though you are already doing.


#9

I think you may be fishing in the wrong area.
There’s a lot of non-sexually active girls out there.
Look around some more. Where are you looking, specifically?
If you’re looking among the party crowd, ok, no surprise. But there are women who are chaste. Honest. Pray for your future spouse and wait for her to come in your life. She’s out there. Good luck.


#10

How is it that you know if a girl is sexually active or has been in the past? Are you going around asking women about their history, are they going around telling everybody, or are rumors being passed around about them? Personally I can’t see discussing my private life with anyone other than my husband, and that was not until we were seriously preparing for marriage. We were both virgins, but I had no way of knowing that (not did he know about me) until many months into our relationship. It’s no one’s business until then, and if my husband hadn’t shared it with me on his own I never would have asked. It didn’t matter at that point anymore. He was a good and decent man who cherished me so who cares if he had not always been perfect. He told me it never mattered to him either. There are many more important things when preparing for marriage than what someone did in the past but has left in the past. People often do things they regret for all kinds of reasons but it is not fair for them to be continuously punished for their mistakes and sins even after reforming.


#11

I think this is very good advice. If you spend your time with people who share your values, you’ll be much more likely to find the woman for whom you are looking. And don’t overlook people who are not in your generation. You never know which older woman will have a lovely niece who is bemoaning the fact that “men today are just looking for one thing” and will offer to introduce you. Most people meet their spouses through introductions from friends/relatives.

Another point is what kind of women are you seeking? If you’re limiting your search to pretty, popular women, you may be overlooking the quiet, plain woman who also values her virginity and has a loving heart and warm, gentle spirit.


#12

That is your opinion, but I think that he has a right to marry whomever he wants. I don’t blame him for being particular about his choice for a marriage partner. IMHO, a person who has been serious all along about being faithful to the teachings of the Church and to the commandments of God, will be more likely to continue to be faithful after marriage.


#13

I have heard from my friends who have sons and daughters in college, that if they go to the Catholic Church near the university there are usually programs designed for them. There may be bible studies, adoration times, speakers, spiritual workshops, and, of course social times where they can get to know one another.

For instance, the parish I attend is near a university, and one of the priests is gifted to be a mentor and leader of these young people. They have regular activities, both spiritual and social, to attend, and even a yearly retreat. These young people attend weekday mass at our parish, when their schedules allow.


#14

Romans 12:1 I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship.2 Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.

1 Corinthians 6: 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take Christ’s members and make them the members of a prostitute? Of course not! 16 [Or] do you not know that anyone who joins himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For “the two,” it says, “will become one flesh. 17 But whoever is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. 18 Avoid immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the immoral person sins against his own body.19 Do you not know that your body is a temple* of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?20 For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore, glorify God in your body.

The body counts. To open the temple of the Holy Spirit to sexually transmitted diseases is grave matter. Have you considered a calling to the priesthood?

Peace


#15

It’s perfectly normal to look to someone’s behavior as a reflection of their values. Chastity, purity, discipline, and self-control are perfectly valid qualities to look for in a future spouse. It’s a whole lot easier to look for someone who’s already cultivated those qualities than to grow attached to someone who’s really great in fifty other ways and try to “fix” them or expect them to change in that area.


#16

Yes, this is true.


#17

Wow. Thanks for all the replies. Ive never used a forum before and i kinda find it hard who to respond too. Firstly, no. I do not go around asking girls their sexual history. I may never have had a girlfriend before, but im not that bad with the ladies. Most of my friends however are girls. And depending on how close we are, its come up. In fact, out of 8 or so of my closest female friends, two of them have never had sex (either because they told me, or because im pretty damn sure.).

Secondly, and mroe importantly, ive heard that I should not ‘write off’ a girl just because she has made a mistake in the past sexually. And I agree. I should not. But I still kind of do. And I feel bad about that. I feel like I am unable to be with someone knowing that they have been sexually active with someone else. And I understand that I shouldnt feel that way, but I still do. And i feel bad about that.


#18

No one has ever heard of Jason Evert and his wife Crystalina Evert I guess.
Leaders in the movement to encourage young people to remain chaste.
She had a “previous” relationship, regretted it, received forgiveness and now uses her experience as a lesson to young women. They’ve spoken at many parishes in our area. It’s a great ministry.

Forgiveness. It’s real.
I’m not saying that everyone should not strive for an ideal, and hopefully one day that will be the norm. But if you do meet the girl of your dreams, and she agrees that she’s made a mistake in the past. Forgive. Jesus commands us to.
There’s even a Gospel about it. :wink:


#19

chastityproject.com/seminars/speakers/jason-crystalina-evert/


#20

You can forgive a person, but that does not require you to marry her.


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