Dating question for the guys


#1

I’m not dating anyone right now but in reviewing my past relationships I’m wondering if I didn’t make a big mistake and I’m just looking for a guys take on this.

I live a fairly active life and I’m not one to sit around and wait for someone to be availible to do something. In other words if I’m seeing someone and they aren’t availible to do an activity is it wrong of me to go ahead and do it on my own with a group or friends or like social activities with groups or taking a short trip out of town. Logically to me a healthy relationship would involve both people being able to have their own life to a point?


#2

Your perspective is the correct one. In a dating relationship, having a person who objects to the other person entertaining a social life when the first person isn't available raises a red flag. Is the first person driven by jealousy and/or mistrust, or a desire to dominate the other person? It is not healthy and would only become more intense in marriage.


#3

Ma’am-

If you find a guy who doesn’t have his own life and hobbies, Run-run very fast.
The best releationships I have had are the ones that where we both have breathing room. I love to hike, watch baseball, etc-I don’t expect my girlfriend to do those-if she does, great, if not, great. That’s why you have friends.

Don’t let yourself get smothered by a potential love interest.


#4

That depends on exactly what you mean, and how committed you are to the relationship.

For example, let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years, and you’re really close to the person…and your definition of a “short trip out of town” is a 3 day trip to another city. Well, in that case, asking how your significant other feels about it would be a good idea. (If I were the person going on the trip, I would almost be asking for permission.)

If the relationship is just starting, and you’re not that close yet, you can basically just up and do things, assuming you haven’t already made a commitment to see them on a particular day.

Final thoughts: As a sufferer of “easy jealousy”, I feel I have to comment that I would be very jealous if my significant other was out all day hanging out with other guys. Jealousy itself is an affliction (though it can cause people to do stupid things), and it’s not really a choice. (I’ve never decided “Hey, I’m going to be jealous because of that! Neat!”)
One reason I’m like this is because I’ve ‘allowed’ a significant other do this before only to be cheated on.
So make sure you and your significant other are on the same page, even if it means talking about what makes each other jealous right near the beginning of the relationship. (Probably not a first date topic, mind you.)


#5

Oh really? Then why is it that like so many guys (seriously, like 90%) put in their profiles for AMS and such state that they love hiking as though it’s relevant? I pass them by, thinking that they don’t want someone who can’t hike. :rolleyes: I have had knee problems since I was a kid and furthermore, am not a billy goat. :eek: So what’s the big deal with the “I love hiking”? I don’t, I never will. Am I doomed?

I do like baseball quite a lot, though. :smiley:


#6

[quote="Sierrah, post:1, topic:179812"]
I'm not dating anyone right now but in reviewing my past relationships I'm wondering if I didn't make a big mistake and I'm just looking for a guys take on this.

I live a fairly active life and I'm not one to sit around and wait for someone to be availible to do something. In other words if I'm seeing someone and they aren't availible to do an activity is it wrong of me to go ahead and do it on my own with a group or friends or like social activities with groups or taking a short trip out of town. Logically to me a healthy relationship would involve both people being able to have their own life to a point?

[/quote]

If he's not available, then why would it be wrong to go with a group or someone else? Besides, even if he is available, you need to have a normal life and friends etc. and all your time does not belong to him! Yes, it's good for both parties to have a normal life, but the exact details come down to the compatibility of your expectations (I almost typed "culpability"... I really need some rest from here!). That, and perhaps be somewhat aware of the fact that the time runs faster for those who are away than for those who are waiting. The party who's doing something cool with friends all week long may be oblivious to the other party feeling rather underapreciated. Or simply play by the "do unto others..." rule.


#7

I know a couple who often travel around Europe, but sometimes they do it separately from each other. They are perfectly normal and nice people, married for some 30 years, but they just figured out they couldn't agree on the program and itinerary. The lady is more into museums, and the guy is more into sightseeing and mountains. So, sometimes they go together, but other times they take a vacation from being bored by their spouse's program. LOL


#8

Thanks guys. You all pretty much said what I thought. It’s nice to know I wasn’t way off in my thinking. I believe a few guys have resented my ability to just go off and do certain things at certain times like dancing, hiking, short trips with friends or sometimes in groups. I’m not at all clingy and kind of like my own space to do that stuff occassionally. I’m not a flirt either so if I go out it’s just to enjoy an activity not to be on the lookout for guys weather they are part of the activity or not. :thumbsup:


#9

I’m not a guy, but from my experience those types of guys are the ones who turn into possessive, controlling crazies who later come to lose it when you spend time with a male friend.


#10

You had me at “Not a billy goat”. Want to get married? :slight_smile:


#11

[quote="flyingfish, post:9, topic:179812"]
I'm not a guy, but from my experience those types of guys are the ones who turn into possessive, controlling crazies who later come to lose it when you spend time with a male friend.

[/quote]

True, but some of those guys are just insecure and wounded as a result of past history, not necessarily being proper crazies. It may be hard to tell which is which. Generally, when I was more touchy about such things, I didn't mind friendly contact or natural reactions of a female organism to an attractive male (yes, I can tell, no, I don't always mind, though it doesn't make me particularly ecstatic). Problems started when a girlfriend seemed to seek validation from other guys or when I was feeling shortchanged or when something else was amiss.

[quote="Sierrah, post:8, topic:179812"]
Thanks guys. You all pretty much said what I thought. It's nice to know I wasn't way off in my thinking. I believe a few guys have resented my ability to just go off and do certain things at certain times like dancing, hiking, short trips with friends or sometimes in groups. I'm not at all clingy and kind of like my own space to do that stuff occassionally. I'm not a flirt either so if I go out it's just to enjoy an activity not to be on the lookout for guys weather they are part of the activity or not. :thumbsup:

[/quote]

I once was in a long-distance relationship with a girl who did seem to need or appreciate a bit too much validation from other guys and in that case I worried about guys around her probably to a slightly paranoid degree, though I might have been right in reality. The other time I was in a long-distance relationship with a different girl, who was very loyal, but who at times seemed to have time for and need time with friends much more so than with me, leading to short or interrupted conversations (e.g. you expect 3 hours but someone pops in after 15 minutes and she's away, or she talks to 2 or more people at once, so you get a line every 3-5 minutes rather than real time), or she would go to bed early when staying up talking was the alternative, but not so when partying with friends was one (she did make up for that at times, bless her heart, good girl she was). I felt underrated and low-priority. Wasn't that good for my self-esteem, or I should probably fess up and say my ego. She didn't seem half as bothered as I was about limiting contact (half of a half of a half would be it), but only until I actually got used to that state and my system built up mechanisms to deal with it, meaning I learnt not to need her company so much. She noticed that and it wasn't that great for her. She felt she was the initiating one in the relationship then, whereas I was growingly content and sometimes even tempted to do other things than talking to her or I was the one taking a long time and typing poor quality responses. These things are probably easier when it's not long distance because face-to-face contact is more intense, so it suffices for longer and the "longing" is less intense too. If there's any less from my story, it's that miscommunication and lack of willingness to walk a mile in each other's shoes are a nasty thing for relationships, and that intensity of contact needed is an important compatibility factor. Just don't "forget" your guy if and when he's there waiting for you if he's a less active type than you are (or when you're having a more active life than he is at the moment), but when he starts brooding, cut it short to make him snap out of it and tell him it's okay to tell (it might be difficult for a man to talk about that, as it makes us feel soft).


#12

[quote="chevalier, post:11, topic:179812"]
True, but some of those guys are just insecure and wounded as a result of past history, not necessarily being proper crazies. It may be hard to tell which is which.

[/quote]

Thats very true.


#13

[quote="Sierrah, post:1, topic:179812"]

I live a fairly active life and I'm not one to sit around and wait for someone to be availible to do something. In other words if I'm seeing someone and they aren't availible to do an activity is it wrong of me to go ahead and do it on my own with a group or friends or like social activities with groups or taking a short trip out of town. Logically to me a healthy relationship would involve both people being able to have their own life to a point?

[/quote]

I think it is fine to do things on your own, and you are correct with your line of thinking. However, I would like to add one thing....if you and the guy had talked about doing a certain activity together and it turns out he is always busy or can't go when you want to go, I'd probably let him know in advance otherwise he may feel bad that you went ahead and did something that he was under the assumption you would do together (or were planning to do together).

All in all, it is good to have your own independent lives and hobbies.


#14

There are a lot of good points there especially DustinM; it's all a question of compatibility. Early doors you should drop hints at dates that you like doing this on your own and having your own space and check reactions. Then as things develop see how genuine he was.

Last Christmas I was seeing a girl for about 3 weeks and I was looking out for my elderly mother who wasn't well then. The girl resented the time that I should have been spending with her and started having "a wee talk" as she put it with me every few days. Another poster explained the empathy thing which is critical to living a Catholic life and this girl's father had been damaged by an accident early in his life. It resulted in severe psychological difficulties for him which is bound to have effected her.

People label people as 'crazies', 'psychos', 'weirdos' etc. but when you actually put yourself in that person's shoes you can then say that you're ready for a mature relationship. I'd imagine that some of the posters here are still young and have time because I was a labeller when I was younger and much to my shame I labelled that wee girl because of the phone calls etc last Christmas which was an angry reaction. This message is really for some of the other posters and not you.
My advice to you is to meet someone and develop an understanding. See it as a case study gathering information about their attitudes and maybe helping you both along the way. Oh and btw people who label people are generally aware of the ingredients. Think about it..............................:)


#15

[quote="Rascalking, post:10, topic:179812"]
You had me at "Not a billy goat". Want to get married? :)

[/quote]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:


#16

Thanks again guys I was just looking for the male perspective. :thumbsup:


#17

[quote="Sierrah, post:1, topic:179812"]
I'm not dating anyone right now but in reviewing my past relationships I'm wondering if I didn't make a big mistake and I'm just looking for a guys take on this.

I live a fairly active life and I'm not one to sit around and wait for someone to be availible to do something. In other words if I'm seeing someone and they aren't availible to do an activity is it wrong of me to go ahead and do it on my own with a group or friends or like social activities with groups or taking a short trip out of town. Logically to me a healthy relationship would involve both people being able to have their own life to a point?

[/quote]

I am a women who has been in your same situation. I was one of the most active women you would have ever meet. I refused to be like my girlfriends who would say "i would love to do A but its so romantic that i can't do it till i get a boyfirend". I on the otherhand would get a group of people to go or take a guy friend. We would still have fun and i don't feel as if i missed out on anything. I also didn't have this idea that my life would be suddenly different with a guy in my life and that everything would fall into place. I felt it put to much pressure on my expections for my future spouse. He would have to be "Mr. Perfect" or my "Prince Charming". No one can be that way and if you have that dream then the first time he makes a mistake you dissmiss him as being "the one" and then start your search all over again. Bad Cycle.

Now move foward to now. I am in law school and still try to have an active social life. I have found a man that loves me for me. He loves the fact that I am independent. If he doesn't feel like do something one night that he knows that i can take care of myself. He knows that hanging out with the girls for me is important just like his time with his guy friends is important too. I can't expect him to be the center of everything or the only support i have. It would put too much pressure on him as a person and our relationship would suffer.

I will tell you i am glad i have lived my life and waited for him at the same time. I am a healthy women emotional and i haven't gone into the relationship with these love struck ideas of what a relationship is suppose to be. instead i have found a man who compliments me and the more i have known him the more i have falling in love with him. Those things that i always thought would be so romantic have not always turned out to be the most romantic things. Instead the spontanous plans or they simply passing halloween candy out together have been some of the best dates i have had.

My advice is continue to live your life as you have. Do thing, be active with your friends and church. God is not going to drop a man at your door step. You need to be out there enjoying life and let him lead people to you. Now with that said don't make the same mistake i made which is being too busy that you don't have time to date someone. My BF asked me out once before and i was too busy to date him. luckly my guardian angel hit me over the head and said "you asked God for a wonderful catholic man and your are rejecting one!". I listened and a few months later my BF asked me out again. :D


#18

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