Dating relationship & history of self harm


Hi all,

I am just here looking for advice/opinions:

I recently started dating this girl about four months ago at college. Not to sound like a cliche, but she really is an amazing girl and we get along very well. We are apart for the summer (until September), and I see the relationship lasting a long time (God willing!).

However, I have not yet told her that I come from an abusive family (my father was violent, and would yell and choke me if I “fell out of line”), and that I have struggled with periodic, binge-like self harming (although I have been “sober” for a year! Thank God). And I still do struggle with some depressive issues and self-worth problems, though I’ve been in therapy for about half of a year and worked very hard on it.

I have wanted to ask my pastor for advice but he is very very conservative and hard to approach. And this is hard to talk about anyway (even to write a post about!).

So - when do y’all think is the right time to talk about something like this? I feel very guilty for not having disclosed it earlier, but you can’t bring something like that up on the first date, and you don’t bring it up before you get married, so… when, really? Do you think that a girl would reject a guy who has had struggles like this?

And does someone who has had mental health struggles (with some still ongoing) even have a right to date, let alone marry?

Thank you so much for reading this question. God bless!


Congratulations. :thumbsup:

I was in a long term relationship with a girl who struggled with the underlined above. It did not come out right away; when it did, it served to strengthen our relationship as it made me more aware of where she was coming from. I did not dwell on it with her, but made sure that she would let me know if it was starting to bother her in any way. Personally, I do not see that as a deal-breaker, but your mileage may vary. :shrug:

Still, I think it’s an important thing to share, and the earlier the better.

Happy to hear you have a conservative pastor. Pity he’s hard to approach though.

See above, and yes, it’s absolutely something you bring up before marriage.


May he bless you and your girlfriend as well.


Oops - I meant to say “right before you get married.”

Thank you for your message. It means a lot to hear a personal testimony - and your support will definitely make it easier to have this conversation with her.


LOL I figured.:thumbsup:

I’ll be praying for you both.


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