Dating, SSA and Age-Gaps


#1

I am not entirely sure what I should do, I am 17, a Junior in high school, and experience SSA with one significant exception. There’s a girl I like, but the thing is she is 18, and was a Freshman in college this year (she is presently enduring medical withdrawal from school because of medical issues) before I sound like a stalker you ought to know we are already pretty strong friends and first met around 10 years ago. Any thoughts as to what I should do?

Edit: To clarify I’m a guy, and have no desire to have any sort of relationship with a guy except friendship and sometimes a very annoying sexual attraction.


#2

I don’t think 1 year’s age difference should stop you from asking this girl out. It seems huge at your age, but in about 3 years it will seem small and in a few more years nonexistent.

If she says no because of your age, ask her again in a year or two.


#3

My advice would be to work out whether she likes you back. I agree with Bear - I don’t think a one year age gap should stop you.


#4

1 year is nothing.


#5

The age gap is nothing.

Regarding your SSA, I recommend you check out Dr. Joseph Nicolosi.

I say ask her out. Might be the best thing you ever do.


#6

Ask her out.
Worse thing that can happen is she says no.


#7

If she’s given you an indication that she would like to be asked out you should ask her out on a date. Say on a date. Since you’re friends she might not see you that way. Good luck


#8

Yup. OP, I get that you’re 17 and asking this girl out seems like the biggest thing on earth. You’re imagining that if she says no it will be absolutely devastating and you’ll have to crawl into a hole for the rest of your lonely life. I get that it seems that way; I was once 17 too.

I promise this isn’t that big a deal. Just ask her out. If she says no, its not a big deal. There will be other girls. Odds are you are not going to marry this girl. Just look at this as practice and an opportunity to get some experience interacting with women. If she says no, then you get to practice taking a loss with grace. That’s an important skill too.

There’s no downside to asking her out provided you don’t do it in some over the top creepy way. Just ask her if she wants to see a movie, and make it clear you mean as a date, not as friends. If she says no, your world will not end, I promise. You’ll be mildly bummed and embarrassed and that will pass and life will go on.


#9

If you’ll allow me to be pithy…

Let me get this straight. There’s exactly ONE woman in the world you’re attracted to. And you need US to know if it’s worth the risk to ask her out.

Go for it, now.


#10

Ask her out.


#11

This is like a quote straight from a John Hughes Brat Pack film script.


#12

A large part of me asking this is because the Youth Director at my parish (one of a very few people I trust with these and a couple of other ‘secrets’) has had the opinion that

  1. The guy should be the older one if there is a noticible age gap (IE not within the same grade).
  2. That before dating anyone I should be 6+ months free from pornography and masturbation (generally I would agree, but I keep getting the feeling that part of why it is taking me so long to beat that is because somewhere I see it as fighting against something as opposed to fighting for something (given my usual attractions, anything like marriage is not in any way “a given” like it is for most people).

Edit: Technically we’re she still alive on earth, and were she around my age I would probably find Bl. Chiara Luce Badano attractive (just making an observation based on pictures), but she is in heaven, and 20-30 years my senior.


#13

I can understand the second point, in that if you quit for the girl, what would happen if the relationship went south?

Could you possibly think to yourself, “Whether it is this girl or another, I want to be pure and chaste when I meet her”?

I understand you think it is unlikely you’ll ever meet another girl who attracts you, but the fact you know one (and consider another one!) means it is not out of the realm of possibility.

ETA: personally, I do not think the age difference is so much as to pose a barrier.


#14

1 year is a total non-issue, as your basically the same age. even a few years is next to nothing as I would figure you would need at least 5 years on someone before it even starts to be worth mentioning assuming one is not too young as say one is 16 and the other is 21 that might be a bit of a issue, but when that 16 year old is 21 and the 21 year old is 26, that’s no big deal especially given ones general maturity etc will be similar at those ages. like they could still easily be on the same page with only a 5 year gap but much beyond that it might start to become a issue.

but in my opinion… to give a little extra lee-way in there, someone should generally be no further than 6-7 years of each other in age otherwise age might start to become a issue a bit as I figure something like 10 years or so is really pushing it because that’s like a half of generation at that point, but it might still be a maybe. but those people who are around 20+ years apart, I just can’t see those working in general as they likely won’t be on the same page given they grew up in different generations etc.

just some thoughts :wink:


#15

I have kind of tried that, as much as anything I think that the relationship even should it end, would stand as proof that I could have a dating (leading in the direction of something past that) relationship with a girl, I know that I want to be chaste if/when I start a relationship with my future spouse, also trying to balance in the mix the fact that I have fealt this way for over a year and it is driving me crazy (like as in having conversations with her in my head (I probably need to reread Sarah Swafford’s Emotional Virtue but I leant my copy to someone)) I tried the whole "I’ll ask her out if and only if I can be free 6+ months, that got me to a maximum of 1.5 months of freedom, then I fell (and part of that was being on a cruise ship sharing a cabin with my grandma/hotel room with my parents and grandma). Having known of multiple people who got married before being fully free, I am not sure that is the primary issue in this (I am trying and so far my situation isn’t letting me get beyond around 2 weeks normally, I think college with a small group I trust being there to support me will also go a long way, but that’s 1.5 years away, and there aren’t a whole lot of good catholic guys around my age where I live (by a lot I mean pretty much any)). I get the whole “someone else may very well come along” at the same time God expects us to not be passive, and I would hate for this to be God’s plan and me go blundering in and mess it up, I keep having a series of weird nudges/coincedences, in the span of about a week I saw videos by 2 Catholic speakers who indicate the woman to be older (presumably by more than a few months) I find out that after ~2+ years she is no longer discerning becoming a nun, and I keep seeing the “it’s just a date, if you like her, man up and ask her out” type thing, and there is the whole still feeling this way 1+ years later.
Edit: I knew I was forgetting something, we met 10 years ago but lost contact for ~7 years before meeting on a church retreat, and I seem to be in a habit of breaking odds, 1 I’m Catholic, 2 I’m a faithful Catholic (well trying anyways), 3 I experience SSA, 4 despite 3 I’m also 2, 5 despite 3 I like a girl (and before someone starts the line about a spectrum of bisexuality, I hardly think 1-2 exceptions justify a different classification).


#16

Second or third all of this above.


#17

That’s a lot of words to say “I’m overthinking this.” :grinning: Just ask her out. You’re not proposing marriage, you’re just asking her to a movie or whatever it is you kids do these days. Best case scenario, she says yes and it goes great, worst case scenario she says no and you get some experience asking women out under your belt. Win-win.


#18

Bro if you wait until you are not sinning to ask someone out I hate to break it to you but you’ll never ask her out.


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