Daughter dating boy with "two dads"


#1

My daughter is dating a boy whose biological father is gay and who is in a same-sex relationship. The boy's dad has invited us over for dinner. I am completely uncomfortable with this situation. Any advice on how to respond?

Thank you!


#2

You and she may be the only Christ they ever see.

Would you reject it if his parents were straight but divorced/remarried? Or if he was raised by a single parent? Or if he were a good boy but one of his parents were in jail?

I have tons of friends who are gay. They know my faith and my stance. I pray for them. I also have friends who aren't Catholic or who have fallen away.

You can't hold a child guilty for the sins of their parents.


#3

[quote="sanctamaria17, post:2, topic:195136"]
You and she may be the only Christ they ever see.

Would you reject it if his parents were straight but divorced/remarried? Or if he was raised by a single parent? Or if he were a good boy but one of his parents were in jail?

I have tons of friends who are gay. They know my faith and my stance. I pray for them. I also have friends who aren't Catholic or who have fallen away.

You can't hold a child guilty for the sins of their parents.

[/quote]

Very good points.

Nothing says you have to approve of their lifestyle, but try your best to be charitable. It's not the kids fault.


#4

in Christian charity we just assume two men share a house for other reasons and don’t speculate on what they do behind closed doors. I would make meeting them my top priority if my daughter is going to be dating the boy


#5

How interesting you didn't invite them first. Attend the invite. Don't preach. Have a good time. :D


#6

Is the boy a faithful Catholic? If so, understand this is a huge burden for him to bear. As fellow Christians, we are to help bear burdens.

Now, I think teens should wait to date until they are ready to marry. That should not stop your family from being friends and supporting this young man in his faith journey.

If he is not Catholic, then, friends is okay but romance never. Don't date whom you would not marry. The sins of the parents have nothing to do with it.


#7

I don't believe that this is a "spiritual" situation...its a pragmatic/practical judgment situation.

If your daughter (her age in this scenario...sounds like a young girl -- high school age ?) is just dating...that is, she is not in a "courting" (discernment for marriage possibility) situation...or actually "about to get engaged" type situation...I would be very happy to meet her boyfriend's family...but not over dinner. It has nothing to do them...my ilk is that dinner is more for relationship building/relationship intimacy...just because my "child" is dating someone...I don't believe that qualifies in my mind for my personal relationship building/intimacy with the "others" parents --- homosexual or heterosexual.

Meet them in less orchestrated/planned scenario (say...in a logistics situation -- e.g., dropping her off to the boys house or picking her up from their house)...and let your own personal relationship with them evolve from there..you don't owe your "child" anything more...she is simply in a dating situation that could and likely will change soon. Just becasue they are homosexual or gay...you don't have to be politically correct and force yourself to have dinner built on a pseudo-personal relationship. Doing that is insincere and actually disrespectful of the other person in my mind.

Just be open to their personhood...and see where your personal relationship with them naturally goes or doesn't go...based on your feelings and judgment...not your "child's" ...or theirs...or the "culture".

Pax Christi


#8

[quote="KenTreece, post:1, topic:195136"]
My daughter is dating a boy whose biological father is gay and who is in a same-sex relationship. The boy's dad has invited us over for dinner. I am completely uncomfortable with this situation. Any advice on how to respond?

Thank you!

[/quote]

Go. You may learn a lot. They are probably just as uncomfortable meeting you. They know what society thinks of them and they are putting themselves out there by inviting you over. The idea of this dinner is to show you how great a kid their son is and to let you seem them. Keep the conversation focused on your daughter and their son if you are totally uncomfortable. Keep in mind their live isn't that different than yours. They get up, go to work, pay bills, etc. The part that is really different I'm pretty sure you're not invited to be a part of.


#9

:thumbsup:

:thumbsup:


#10

Great advice so far! Go, and let us know how it goes.


#11

[quote="Lutheranteach, post:8, topic:195136"]
Go. You may learn a lot. They are probably just as uncomfortable meeting you. They know what society thinks of them and they are putting themselves out there by inviting you over. The idea of this dinner is to show you how great a kid their son is and to let you seem them. Keep the conversation focused on your daughter and their son if you are totally uncomfortable. Keep in mind their live isn't that different than yours. They get up, go to work, pay bills, etc. The part that is really different I'm pretty sure you're not invited to be a part of.

[/quote]

:thumbsup::thumbsup: from me too.


#12

How old is your daughter?


#13

So a Catholic should NEVER date a non-Catholic??

If my Catholic boyfriend had not dated and married me, I never would have become Catholic…
And sometimes it is hard to not fall in love with someone, even if they are not Catholic (just ask my DH :D).

I bet there are MANY on this board who either married non-Catholics who later converted, or like me, were not Catholic, but converted because their spouse was Catholic.


#14

You wanted advice. Here's some. Don't go. Advise your daughter to find someone else. That household is a disaster. In our current cultural climate, it is not surprising that so many here see it as only a minor detail.

It is not the same as dating a non-Catholic or someone that is/was divorced.


#15

My mother is Baptist, my father Catholic. They were married 50 yrs when he passed away. My mother never converted. They were married in the Catholic Church at the first pew in 1956…because my mother was a Protestant…they could not be married at the altar. I am glad times have changed.

It should not matterif the boy is Catholic. Geez louise…welcome to America.:thumbsup:


#16

[quote="Nec5, post:14, topic:195136"]
You wanted advice. Here's some. Don't go. Advise your daughter to find someone else. That household is a disaster. In our current cultural climate, it is not surprising that so many here see it as only a minor detail.

It is not the same as dating a non-Catholic or someone that is/was divorced.

[/quote]

So your punishing a kid for the sins of the parent? I don't want to argue, I just want to see where you coming from.


#17

[quote="Nec5, post:14, topic:195136"]
You wanted advice. Here's some. Don't go. Advise your daughter to find someone else. ** That household is a disaster. In our current cultural climate, it is not surprising that so many here see it as only a minor detail.**

It is not the same as dating a non-Catholic or someone that is/was divorced.

[/quote]

Bingo. I'm not against the idea of MEETING them, but dinner is forced and unnatural. You'll be dancing around the issue and everyone will be uncomfortable, most likely.

I don't know if the OP is conservative, if the daughter is conservative. Living an openly gay lifestyle is obviously a no-no in the Catholic Church. If you want to be Catholic and welcome Catholic's into your family, I need to know where you and the daughter are coming from. If any of my girlfriend's had "two daddys" but were still the same exact person, I wouldn't date them. Too much baggage, too weird, I simply would not go there, ever. I'd pray for them, be friends, offer guidance if wanted, but that's one element I'm not welcoming in. Same goes if any of my girlfriends had parents who were openly into using illegal drugs, were criminals, big anti-Catholic. There's a lot of things I stand for, if my partner doesn't feel the same way, or fit into what I define as close to ideal, then what's the point?


#18

I also married a non-Catholic who later converted. But the advice is still sound, especially for younger people who are not really discerning marriage. A Catholic can be friends with all kinds of people, but really should avoid developing a romance with someone who is not Catholic. The ideal situation is to marry another practicing Catholic and we should always strive for the ideal. Your situation and mine only go to show that prayers of the Catholic spouse are indeed answered.

In the OPs situation, I would definitely want to met the parents of someone my child was dating. Hopefully it would be first in a less formal situation, but since they’ve invited, I would go. I would also encourage my child of high school age to not date but instead be more involved in groups. Exclusive dating is really a part of discerning marriage and not something most high schoolers are ready for.


#19

I appreciate all of the thoughtful responses. Just to give you some more information:

My daughter is 17, attends a Catholic high school, and takes her boyfriend to Mass with her every Sunday. I have nothing against the boy. He’s not the issue…although I’d prefer he were Catholic. But, since I married a non-Catholic who, before she converted, led me back to the Catholic Church, I don’t feel the particular need to be a stickler on that point.

I am simply uncomfortable going into a social setting with an openly gay couple. However, I see the wisdom in witnessing to them, not so much in words, but in actions. After just having watched The Miracle Maker with three of my other daughters, the point that hit home was that Christ kept company with sinners, and He did not judge them. If Christ could sit at table with sinners, why can’t a fellow sinner do likewise?


#20

For dating this is fine. But for marriage, this is a disaster waiting to happen. Hypothetically if it did lead to a marriage how is the boyfriend going to become a father that reinforces that Catholic values against homosexual acts? The kids will ask why do I have 3 grandfathers? It will be hard for them to accept the church teachings in the long term when the norm for them in life is a whole half of their family being a homosexual union. When you get married, you do not simply marry the person but all the family. Unless you expect your spouse to detach completely from his/her family, they will play a big part in your marriage. If his family has problems there is a good chance that the person may also have some problems as a result. This isnt to say that such a marriage wont work but it is to say that it will be very difficult and possibly harmful when it comes to raising children. Even more so when the family is a homosexual union. You cant hold the sins of the parents against the son but you can evaluate the effects that the parents have had on the son. My idea of not holding the sins of the parents against the children is that if the child has learned and is trying to or has distanced themselves and reject the errors of their parents then I would not let the sins of the parents effect a marriage. However, if the son is ok with his parents sin and does not find them to be wrong or something to not be encouraged then you have to break away from the relationship. It will only make raising children more difficult. I personally think it should be a mortal sin to marry someone that accepts any sin to be perfectly alright because you are risking the salvation of your children that are innocent bystanders. It is difficult enough for children to keep the faith in a family with strong faith, I can only imagine how difficult it is in a family where one parent believes birth control, abortion and homosexual acts to be ok and normal behavior. My extended family is testament to this with 19 losing the faith and 6 not losing the faith in families with one or both spouses that do not accept the teachings of the church. If the man agrees to raise the kids as Catholic than he would have to explain to them how his own parents are wrong to be married. This is something that is difficult to do because the homosexuality is a part of who his father is. That is why such a relationship should not last long term. Dating should be fine but it shouldnt go beyond that unless the man has rejected the lifestyle of his fathers. Judging by what you have said so far I do not think this is the case. Keep an open mind until you know what the guy feels about the lifestyle of his parents.


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