Daughter did not vist on thanksgiving because


#1

her partner didn’t want to drive her to our place for the holiday dinner:mad: and am i disappointed? yes iam:mad: i had asked her to come a month in advance, and i also reminded her a week ago. so what did they do? they went to her partners place for thanksgiving dinner on sunday, and on monday, when the actual holiday was, my daughter tells me she was out all day with her girlfriend, and that they didn’t feel like coming up.:mad: my daughter promised she was going to come. so i asked her to ask her partner if she would drive my daughter to my house for thanksgiving, and my daughter told me, mom, if i show up then she agreed to take me. so, we waited and waited, and it was a no show:mad:

this is not the first time this has happened to me either. every christmas, my daughter spends the day with her partner and her partners family. she comes to see me on the 24rth. well, i want her to come on the 25th, and she has known this for years. yet she would rather spend it with her partner and their family then wth her ailing mother and her step dad who love her dearly.

we have a great relationship, we really do. but she lets her partner dictate to her where they can go and where not. i have been nothing but civil to her partner and polite and nice. she could have driven my daughter to see me for a few hours!! but nooooooo… she didn’t feel like it. was i mad? yes!of course i was mad! this happens all the time, and frankly, iam tired of it. i have NEVER shoved my morals in her face about the gay lifestyle. she knows my stance on it. i do not condone it and she knows it. her partner has always been nice to me, but lately, iam wondering what this girl teaches my daughter! iam not happy they are in a relationship,

i feel like my daughter is being led around by her nose. and that ticks me off… every holiday, i always get some stupid excuse as to why she cannot come and visit. and when my daughter does visit, well, its usually by herself thank God, and its also sparingly.
its not because of my religious convictions either. its because her partner runs her life. i just have about had it. yesterday was the last straw. i will ask my daughter flat out, but lovingly and charitably why she does this to me. i deserve a straight up answer. and i will get one. my daughter is quite blunt. if i hear excuses, all iam going to tell her is well, i guess that is that then.
oh well. it means i wont ask her again. i wont invite her to my home again. she has done this to me too many times to count. iam tired of it.

i have never been uncharitable or in your face type mom. but this time, iam just going to flat out ask her why she is doing this to me. i deserve an answer and i want one. any advice? i went and cooked up this fabulous dinner and she didn’t even bother to come. do you know how hurt i feel? its not just the dinner, but it was the family time we were to spend together! i was excited all day that she was going to come over! i spent all day cooking and cleaning, and a no show!:frowning: :mad:


#2

Can your daughter drive? Why would she need her friend to drive her to your house?

Visits on holidays always seem to cause family stress. Maybe you could suggest alternating holidays each year or chose a few holidays that become “yours” and the others are “theirs” (the partner’s family).

It sounds like there is a power struggle/imbalance in their relationship. As we know, any relationship can have those kinds of problems. Approach your daughter the same way you would if it was her husband/boyfriend keeping her from visiting. She needs to stick up for herself no matter who her partner is.


#3

One symptom of spousal abuse is that the abuser isolates his/her victim from their family.

On the other hand, do not be quick to assume it is not because you desire to faithfully follow Catholic Moral teachings. It is unlikely that this partner has any respect at all for you. In fact, it is highly likely that she (the partner) hates you because you follow Catholic moral teachings and that hatred is certainly expressed to your daughter.

Do I have a solution or even advice. Well nothing that you would like to hear. But here is comes.

Stop inviting your daughter. Stop phoning her. If she calls or comes on her own, great. Do not initiate contact. Essentially the cold-shoulder treatment. Eventually she will get the message and either start behaving like a daughter, or cut you off completely.

My prayers are with you and your daughter.


#4

not really a power struggle, its just that her girlfriend is a bit snooty. she knows our family is very deeply religious, and i think she has a problem with it. i just spoke to my daughter we had a great conversation! she told me they had less than half a tank of gas. she doesn’t lie to me, and never has. money is tight. so i have forgiven her and feel better. definitely. we have tried this alternating holiday thing and its a no go. so, it will be the 24rth of december again. that iam not happy about. not at all.


#5

you already know how this will play out on every holiday. parents of married children, parents of kids with live-ins of either sex go through the same thing. Issue the invitation, and be prepared to be disappointed, or don’t invite at all. Your call. the level of bitterness and resentment you allow yourself to build is also within your control. don’t make assumptions about the gf’s attitude unless it is based on something she actually says or does. don’t look for offense where none is intended and don’t use your imagination about “what did she mean by that?”


#6

Why can’t she drive herself to your house?


#7

If I were the daughter, and the OPs attitude is expressed to the daughter as it is here, I would practice effective avoidance behavior also.

When I was working in a hospital that handled a lot of elderly patients, the lightbulb went on:

the ones who groused about their ungrateful, thoughtless, too-busy-for-me children were the ones nobody else wanted to be around either.


#8

because she doesn’t have a drivers license. time she did though.


#9

annie this is totally uncharitable and callous. your not in the situation, and you don’t know the participants. please do not tell me something you know nothing about.please don’t presume to accuse me of using my imagination either. :mad: i’ve had past experience with this that you know nothing about.


#10

In defense of Annie (who doesn’t need defending) I always look forward to her posts, and have never once thought her to be uncharitable in the least! I think she was just trying to help you shore yourself up so you wouldn’t experience so much hurt.

And for the OP; it is always so difficult for a mother when there is any distance or trouble with a grown child. I know, it is a very unique hurt that we feel, like our own arm was torn off or something. I do beleive a little distance( not an angry one), especially emotionally, while they sort out their own issues and do their “growing up” is called for. A good Rosary- a- day for them will do wonders, and I am also believer in the Green Scapular. But express your love for her whenever you get that chance, just so when she is ready, she knows she can come to you.

If I can find it, I will post a link to some info on the green scapular.

God Bless,

Peace,

Kelly


#11

thanks, but i know about the green scapular. :thumbsup: iam always there for my daughter, always.


#12

allcatholicbooks.com/mary/scapulargreen.html


#13

oops sorry, I didn’t see your reply before I posted the link :o


#14

no problem:)


#15

On the off chance that there is some controlling going on in this relationship (sounds like your daughter is with someone who is older and has more money, maybe? and more power in the relationship) I would not frame the issue in terms of “How can you do this to me?”

That would be counterproductive. Yes, she’s causing you pain. But she’s not a mother. She just doesn’t get it.

Try saying “Oh, my Christmases without you just aren’t the same. I would love to have you here with me this year. I miss you.” Then ask “How can we make this happen?”

That keeps her from having to say “My partner won’t let me.” or “I don’t have the money.”

Focus on the solution, not on the problem.

She sounds young and inexperienced. She may eventually mature and start resenting this woman’s seeming control over everything. Just be patient and be the person she can come to when she gets tired of the one-sidedness of it all.


#16

actually, her partner is younger than her. i don’t whine to her that she doesn’t spend Christmas with me. i have told her that it would be nice, but i understand she wants to spend it somewhere else. even though i am hoping she would spend at least one with me on the actual day. but you are right. my daughter is 24, so she is young, but not as inexperienced as you might think. iam going to invite her to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, the midnight Mass on the 24rth of December. :slight_smile:

i have invited them both before, but she has backed out as she told me because her partner doesn’t feel comfortable in a Catholic Church. she told me that she didn’t go because her partner was not comfortable, and that she (my daughter) couldn’t be whom she is at a Catholic Church. that is why she backed out many times.
she is placating her partner. I never said a word about it. i said, well, maybe you can come next year, and she says we’ll see.
but both of them attended my brothers funeral at the Catholic Church, and now my daughter is desiring of coming to my husbands baptism on the 23rd of october, but she told me her partner wont come.


#17

I am so sorry that your daughter is causing you so much pain. She could have at least had the respect to call you and let you know why she wasn’t able to make it. It sounds like she just absolutely has no respect for you. Maybe her partner is responsible for that or maybe she’s just thoughtless, I don’t know.

I know this is going to be hard to hear, but I’m telling you this from the perspective of an adult daughter struggling to keep peace with her mom.

Even though I have a husband and kids, my mom gets very, very upset if we don’t do things the way she wants. We moved out of state several years ago and she had a FIT. She wouldn’t speak to me for a month. She never could just “let me go”. We ended up moving back but I have had to struggle to forgive her for the way she behaved. It really ruined our relationship. Same scenario for holidays. She expects to have a chance to have my children to herself on Christmas day. We have several relatives we have to do the rounds with between Christmas Eve and Christmas day, so last year we invited everybody over to our house for Christmas Eve dinner, and invited everybody back in the morning to watch the kids open presents. Then after that, we packed the kids up and went to visit relatives. We did all of that to give everybody plenty of opportunity to visit with us without us having to run around all over town. Well, that wasn’t enough for my mom, she expected us to bring the kids over to her house Christmas night to open her presents in private. I told her no and all hell broke loose. We had a HUGE fight. She didn’t talk to me for a week. We go through this scenario every time there’s a holiday or special event.

I’m not saying your being unreasonable like my mom, but what I’m saying is that if you push too much, you’ll cause your daughter to resent you. That’s what I struggle with every day. I resent the fact that my mom cannot accept the fact that I’m an adult with my own family and she can’t put her expectations on me like that. She can’t dictate to me where I spend Christmas or where my family lives. This problem has caused a huge rift in our relationship and I don’t know if it’ll ever get fixed. I’m fully expecting to have the same fight this Christmas. But I refuse to give in because I refuse to allow somebody to dictate what MY family does on our holiday. We go out of our way to be accomodating and include everybody, but I draw the line at my mom telling me where I will spend my Christmas day. I’m 30 years old, not 15.

I think the best thing for you to do is to extend the invitation to your daughter, maybe even ask her when would be the best time for her to get together and try to accomodate her if possible. Other than that, there’s nothing you can do. Don’t get your hopes up that she’ll come so you don’t ruin your holiday for yourself.

And most of all, pray for her. Pray, pray, pray. :thumbsup:


#18

It did blow me away, as Thanksgiving in the US is over a month away. Then I saw “Canada” and remembered you guys have a different day for it.

I did some digging, as I have several business acquaintances and a couple family members who are homosexual. I wanted to pray for them, and their families. And, ta-da, St. Sebastian appears to the patron saint of gays and lesbians! This was the best site that seemed to have nice information, also prayers. Wiki and a couple other Catholic sites also mentioned St. Sebastian in this regard.

So, everybody who feels called to do it, time to start praying to St. Sebastian! It only makes sense he is the patron saint here, all those arrows and nastiness.

TradionalCath, I don’t think puzzleannie is out to be rude to you. I also think she is dead-on. Whether or not your daughter is a lesbian or straight, adult kids do this sort of thing all the time on holidays. You aren’t alone.

There is a Catholic group called Courage. They also have a parents’ group. Even if you’re daughter is not remotely interested in Courage, you could see if they have any branch groups in your province of Encourage, a group for family members of those with same-sex attractions.


#19

I can see by your OP that you are in pain over this situation. Our adult children, and even sometimes our younger children, say and do things that are very hurtful to us. I can remember my two adult daughters telling me that I was the worst mother in the world. Now we could not be closer and although I will always remember that time, I know in my heart that they did not mean it, or at least that they do not think it now.

My best advice is to invite your daughter for holidays, always being sure to include her partner. I can understand why you are not in favor of the situation, but I believe that the quickest way to drive your daughter away is to make her choose between you and the partner. So, ask her once, and then let it go. If she indicates she will come and then does not, just say later that she was missed. The less argument about it the better.

Will it be easy? Absolutely not. But much as we might like to, we cannot make someone do something they do not want to do. Your daughter has a mind of her own and it is probably counterproductive to blame it on her partner. If you can remain loving in your words, but not pushy, I bet she will come around on her own. It may take a while, but she will recall the nice holidays at her childhood home and will want to recapture some of that. Perhaps it will also let her see her situation for what it is and get out of it. I will pray for you.


#20

one thing my daughter and i are regardless of what anyone thinks, is we are honest with each other, and we always have been. she gets that from me. we do not argue. we discus things. yes, it does hurt me that she doesn’t spend Christmas day with us, but i don’t discuss it with her and tell her that i am hurt because i don’t want to be over bearing or let her know iam hurt. i do tell her i would love to have her at my home, but i understand that she has other plans. she knows this. i think she knows iam hurt. but she doesn’t want to argue so she doesn’t bring it up.

she does placate her partner. her partner is not used to being around such a huge Catholic family, and she is not used to the deep seated morals and values we have. this does bug her. no one in my family has ever been condescending to her, or rude or unwelcoming. we are not that way.

i think her partner just cannot accept the catholic faith, and she has said to me on more than one occasion that it makes her uncomfortable. i said, that’s okay, i respect your opinion. and i do.
iam aware that it bothers her because of what we believe about the homosexual lifestyle. but at the same time, we are charitable and do not lord our beliefs over them either.

my daughter and i love each other a great deal. we always have. she identifies herself as a catholic. and she makes the sign of the cross and will discuss catholicism with me. one time, when she had us over for a visit, she wanted to pray the hail mary and our father with us, and we did, and her partner was red faced when we did it. my daughter didn’t think it would offend her partner, but she saw the look on her partners face and immediately was quiet.

i must talk to her about this. i will take her aside and gently speak to her. she must know that she cannot let someone influence her if she wants to pray. she loves the rosary i gave to her as well a few years ago. she keeps everythingi give to her:)


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