Daughter seeks porn addiction help for father


#1

About 15 years ago(as a teen), I saw my dad viewing pornographic material on the computer. Disgusted and embarassed, I never told anyone and he never knew I caught him. Over the next 10 years I noticed that he had been viewing more inappropriate things in the history on the computer but still never said anything. For the past 5 years, I have seen nothing on his home computer when I use it when visiting so I thought maybe it subsided. The other day, we were checking out something on Netflix using his account and noticed that a recently watched movie was called “Sex Drive”. I looked it up online to see what it was about and was saddened to see it is a rude, crude, sex saturated movie. My father owns his own buisness so I wouldn’t be surprised if he is viewing his porn now at work. I don’t think my mother has any idea about all of this and I feel that I am betraying them both by not saying anything about it. How should I confront the issue? My parents are Catholic (go to church on Sunday kind). Should I talk to my mom first? Go directly to my dad? Please help. I feel the Holy Spirit is calling me to bring this to light. Thanks!


#2

Unless you have solid, incontrovertible proof that your father is having “live” sexual affairs with other women, you have no right whatsoever to put your nose in this. If the initial incident happend 15 years ago when you were a teenager, I assume you are an adult now. Act like one, and mind your buisness. This is none of your affair whatsoever. I know this might be unpopular here on the forums, but privacy and respect for your parents are still good traits.

Move on, and hope your children don’t poke around in your Netflicks or computer account, or bank account, or movie habits and find dirty details on you.

Sorry if I sound harsh. You hit a nerve.


#3

I am not seeking to cause trouble. I am concerned for his salvation. I should add what should I do in addition to my prayers and sacrifices?


#4

prayers for my situation are greatly appreciated!:)


#5

[quote="Nuwer9980, post:1, topic:191662"]
About 15 years ago(as a teen), I saw my dad viewing pornographic material on the computer. Disgusted and embarassed, I never told anyone and he never knew I caught him. Over the next 10 years I noticed that he had been viewing more inappropriate things in the history on the computer but still never said anything. For the past 5 years, I have seen nothing on his home computer when I use it when visiting so I thought maybe it subsided. The other day, we were checking out something on Netflix using his account and noticed that a recently watched movie was called "Sex Drive". I looked it up online to see what it was about and was saddened to see it is a rude, crude, sex saturated movie. My father owns his own buisness so I wouldn't be surprised if he is viewing his porn now at work. I don't think my mother has any idea about all of this and I feel that I am betraying them both by not saying anything about it. How should I confront the issue? My parents are Catholic (go to church on Sunday kind). Should I talk to my mom first? Go directly to my dad? Please help. I feel the Holy Spirit is calling me to bring this to light. Thanks!

[/quote]

I would go directly to your dad and talk to him about it... do so gently however

In the meanwhile pray for your dad... say a rosary for him... or better yet when you visit him ask him to pray the rosary with you

Yours in Christ,
Zachary


#6

Don't poke your nose where it doesn't belong or you may find out things that you really don't want to know.


#7

I apologize again if I sounded harsh.

We don’t know if he is confessing, or has confessed. We don’t know that maybe he bought a pornographic movie, then didn’t watch it. It can be a like a teetering alcoholic who buys a bottle than pours it down the drain.

Again, I apologize if I sounded mean, but I stand by what I said.


#8

[quote="Rascalking, post:2, topic:191662"]
Unless you have solid, incontrovertible proof that your father is having "live" sexual affairs with other women, you have no right whatsoever to put your nose in this. If the initial incident happend 15 years ago when you were a teenager, I assume you are an adult now. Act like one, and mind your buisness. This is none of your affair whatsoever. I know this might be unpopular here on the forums, but privacy and respect for your parents are still good traits.

Move on, and hope your children don't poke around in your Netflicks or computer account, or bank account, or movie habits and find dirty details on you.

Sorry if I sound harsh. You hit a nerve.

[/quote]

Oh my gosh!!!!!! Just slap her in the face why don't you!!! :eek:

She is concerned for the state of her father's soul and you tell her to just look away??!!!

Horrific.

Nuwer - You sound like you are a rational, concerned, and loving daughter. I would sit your father down privately and speak to him about this. If he is a "good Catholic" then he knows what he's doing is wrong - he may just need help getting out of this addiction. There are organizations out there for Catholics who struggle with addiction to porn - I will see if I can find you some references, I know someone who has been through this and nearly lost his marriage as a result, but is now in a very solid and loving marriage and no longer addicted to porn. He speaks about this openly at Marriage Encounter events.

I will PM you their email address - they are the sweetest couple and so very open to helping Catholics thrive in their marriages. They lead a Marriage Encounter group in my area.

Also - don't be fooled, I'm sure you mother at the very least suspects something if she doesn't know everything. ;)

You have a feeling that you need to do something about this and you are right. You have the opportunity to help save his soul - and it's something to be taken very seriously. I think you are doing the right thing.

Be strong - it will be hard to confront him and talk about such personal things, but he needs to know WHY you are doing this and that you only do it out of love and concern for him, and for your mother.

~Liza


#9

[quote="Rascalking, post:7, topic:191662"]
I apologize again if I sounded harsh.

We don't know if he is confessing, or has confessed. We don't know that maybe he bought a pornographic movie, then didn't watch it. It can be a like a teetering alcoholic who buys a bottle than pours it down the drain.

Again, I apologize if I sounded mean, but I stand by what I said.

[/quote]

According to my mother, my dad feels confession is unnecessary. He may not have wached it. Good point.


#10

No Ms Liza, it was nothing of the sort. I emphasized several times it was not my intention or anything to be harsh or mean. I recommend strongly praying and sacrificing. I don’t recommend being a self righteous pest and snoop to your own father.

And for the record, using horrific loosely and using it to describe posts on the internet really cheapens the word.


#11

liza: thank you. this is the help i am seeking. i am horrified to bring this up to him but i know with the Holy Spirit, my weak self can do it! since my conversion, (about a year ago) my dad has told my mom basically that i have gone off the deep end with religion. so, i’m not sure how much my advice can help. there is one way to find out.


#12

is it really being self righteous if I am doing it for love of God and His Kingdom? and no, i did not snoop on his netflix. he had it open and i happened to notice it in a list of recently watched movies.

[quote="Rascalking, post:10, topic:191662"]
No Ms Liza, it was nothing of the sort. I emphasized several times it was not my intention or anything to be harsh or mean. I recommend strongly praying and sacrificing. I don't recommend being a self righteous pest and snoop to your own father.

And for the record, using horrific loosely and using it to describe posts on the internet really cheapens the word.

[/quote]


#13

[quote="Nuwer9980, post:1, topic:191662"]
About 15 years ago(as a teen), I saw my dad viewing pornographic material on the computer. Disgusted and embarassed, I never told anyone and he never knew I caught him. Over the next 10 years I noticed that he had been viewing more inappropriate things in the history on the computer but still never said anything. For the past 5 years, I have seen nothing on his home computer when I use it when visiting so I thought maybe it subsided. The other day, we were checking out something on Netflix using his account and noticed that a recently watched movie was called "Sex Drive". I looked it up online to see what it was about and was saddened to see it is a rude, crude, sex saturated movie. My father owns his own buisness so I wouldn't be surprised if he is viewing his porn now at work. I don't think my mother has any idea about all of this and I feel that I am betraying them both by not saying anything about it. How should I confront the issue? My parents are Catholic (go to church on Sunday kind). Should I talk to my mom first? Go directly to my dad? Please help. I feel the Holy Spirit is calling me to bring this to light. Thanks!

[/quote]

In my opinion this is a conversation a daughter should never have with her father. Just thinking about talking to my father about whether he looks porn is giving me the creeps/and nausea. It just doesn't seem appropriate.

You should quietly pray for your father and say nothing.


#14

[quote="Nuwer9980, post:12, topic:191662"]
is it really being self righteous if I am doing it for love of God and His Kingdom? and no, i did not snoop on his netflix. he had it open and i happened to notice it in a list of recently watched movies.

[/quote]

You should ask yourself that question. I know, as a 30 year old man who views his own father as borderling worthy of worship-it would be deeply insulting and disrespectful to listen to his son lecture him about the state of his soul. *A big reason is because I could never know the entire story-you can't either. *

You very well might be doing it "for the love of God and His kingdom"-true, true, true. But you also need to "Honor thy mother and father".

I am sure that you have good intentions, but that's not enough.


#15

What a bunch of lame responses…She’s trying to help her father, not condem him…Thats why there’s porn/marraige/sexual problems in our culture, because no one wants to say anything

Porn is tremedously difficult to overcome, I know from personal experience. So first, please pray for him, maybe a rosary everyday. Then learn about the theology of the body. After prayer and studying, you’ll be much more able to talk to/help someone.

Try to gauge where your dad is. Is he just going through the motions at mass, or does it really mean something to him? Would he be open to reading something you gave him or would it sit on the shelf? If you’re really close to your dad, maybe bring it up, but if not, give your mom a theology of the body book just so its idea is present in the marraige.

Some resources:

whodoesithurt.com - about overcoming porn addiction
christopherwest.com - explains the theology of the body (great marraige material)


#16

This is for only the OP :) Hey, for me personally, I would just talk to my father mono y mono. My dad and I have a great relationship and I would ask him anything (we've already talked about porn extensively and he has never struggled with it, thank God!)...but our relationship is one where I can talk to him freely now (I am 25). However, your relationship may be different. I love my dad, he is my dad and one of the godliest men I've ever known and I when I asked him about porn, it was out of love, truly :) So think about how he would take it and how you would approach him... I don't know if this helps but I would def. talk to him if you have a good relationship, father and daughter relationships are special.

So the real advice is keep PRAYING and being led by the Holy Spirit, I am not you or God :)

God Bless you for being vunerable!

KEEP PRAYING!!!


#17

The problem is that she doesn’t have any convincing evidence of porn use. If you’re confronted with a sin you should condemn it but you shouldn’t go out of your way to snoop around and ferret out people’s sins. Believe me, you are better off not knowing.


#18

i saw him looking at a porn site as a teen. how much evidence does one need? also, when you type in a web address in the bar, sometimes it will automatically complete the address if you have typed it in before. there were SEVERAL nasty websites. my mom doesn't use the computer. he was the only one. i wasn't snooping. i was using his computer to check my email while visiting and he was aware. ignorance really isn't bliss. i don't want to know the details, i just want to help him realize he has a problem.

[quote="KostyaJMJ, post:17, topic:191662"]
The problem is that she doesn't have any convincing evidence of porn use. If you're confronted with a sin you should condemn it but you shouldn't go out of your way to snoop around and ferret out people's sins. Believe me, you are better off not knowing.

[/quote]


#19

[quote="Nuwer9980, post:1, topic:191662"]
Should I talk to my mom first? Go directly to my dad? Please help. I feel the Holy Spirit is calling me to bring this to light. Thanks!

[/quote]

I would suggest that rather than confronting your father, you could ask him about it. You could say something like, "I know that a lot of people have a problem with sexually explicit materials, and sometimes I have gotten the impression that you might sometimes look at them. You don't have to explain anything to me, because I love you and respect you, but here are some materials in case you want to look at them, or have any friends whom you think it might help." The last part allows him to take the materials without implicitly admitting he has a problem.

I don't think a discussion in any detail would be good, and also you don't want to give your father the idea that you are judging him or that he has to account to you for his actions. It's going to be pretty awkward whatever you do, but you want to make sure that you don't hurt him or show him a lack of respect. I don't think you should look for proof (which is bound to feel like a betrayal if he finds out). And I strongly advise against or talking to your mother about it (which pretty much would be a betrayal), because it puts you in the middle of their marriage, which isn't an appropriate place for anyone, even their adult child.

But before you do anything, I would spend a lot of time in prayer, before the Blessed Sacrament if possible, to make sure that you handle this in the manner that God wishes, and so that He will guide your actions. And keep in mind that God may have someone else in mind to talk to your father, and be open to His will even if it is that what you should do is just pray.

God bless you,

--Jen


#20

[quote="Nuwer9980, post:18, topic:191662"]
i saw him looking at a porn site as a teen. how much evidence does one need? also, when you type in a web address in the bar, sometimes it will automatically complete the address if you have typed it in before. there were SEVERAL nasty websites. my mom doesn't use the computer. he was the only one. i wasn't snooping. i was using his computer to check my email while visiting and he was aware. ignorance really isn't bliss. i don't want to know the details, i just want to help him realize he has a problem.

[/quote]

from you original post you said have evidence that he used some porn 15 years ago and that he watched a rated R movie on netflix. The addresses you saw can be from anyone that he loaned out his computer to. There isn't exactly a whole mountain of evidence that he is addicted to porn so you should be very cautious about how much damage you might cause to his marriage by bringing it up to your mother.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.