Daughter's Confirmation


Family. One of life’s greatest injustices - can’t choose your own relatives!

Just got back from a glorious day with family & 152 other families & celebrants…and I’m p*ssed off!

5 Parishes got together at the Basilica of St. Mary in Minneapolis for the confirmation of our children. 2-1/2 hours of the Holy Spirit just flowing through a congregation of 1500, in a gorgeous Church… the ceremony presided by our diocese Bishop.

No thunder, lightning, damnation, threats… just assurance that if these kids follow what they’ve learned, life will be good for them…

(And no, I didn’t accept communion today, I haven’t confessed my sins, and can’t be absolved from one of them. I watched my daughter, son, & wife proceed to the altar, while I stayed behind. (see closed “Mortal Sin” thread))

An offer was extended to my mother & father to attend both the ceremony & a brunch afterward. (My parents divorced in 1976… life’s quirks have brought them within 3 miles of eachother - another story entirely)

My mother did not attend the ceremony, but in all honesty admitted that she could not feel “right” attending this particular service with a clean conscience and open heart… but she did greet all of us at the restaurant (the 1st one there).

My father wasn’t there at all. ***Had something more important to do… ***his excuse was to “pre-drive his new bus route”.

(Without going into 67 pages of posts about my Dad & his quirks, he could’ve given a reasonable explanation… like his ex-wife’s… not such a lame excuse as a new bus route)

So… should I be P*ssed at my Dad for his lame-*ss excuse and not attending his only granddaughter’s confirmation, or turn the other cheek and invite him to dinner next Sunday?

(I could write an Emmy Award winning sitcom script with only my family as the topic. You CANNOT make up the cr*p I live with daily… and it would make me a friggin’ millionaire with other people laughing at my problems!)


I would try to let it slide. Does your father even understand the importance of Confirmation to you and your family? Some people really don’t know that it’s not anything more than a “nice little ceremony for the kids”.

At the risk of sounding cliche, you can’t control other people’s actions, only your own. You can decide not to let your dad’s issues ruin your memory of this day, and not to let the bitterness seep into your daughter’s feelings towards granddad.


well with all that good script material, you know what your dad is like, I bet it is not the first time and won’t be the last, and he is not going to change. Write if off, and resolve to welcome him if he ever does show up, but not to miss him if he doesn’t. Don’t ever give him the power to ruin the day when he is not even there. But do be up front with your daughter, don’t make excuses for him, bout time your kids learned from his words and actions (not your criticism or complaints) what he is like.

I’m sorry Grandpa isn’t here, we did invite him but he says he has to drive his new bus route today. Period, no explanations or recriminations.


Maybe he really did think driving his new bus route was more important - after all, people will be depending on him to get them to their destinations on time, next time he’s driving that route.

I would just let it slide. And, seriously, your family is almost normal, compared to many. You haven’t met mine, for example. One of my favourite relatives is a Wiccan priestess - her sister is a secretary for the Oral Roberts University; one of my nephews is an honest-to-God tribal shaman - the real thing (he’s a full-blooded Inuit; his brother was adopted by my brother-in-law and his wife when their father, the shaman of their tribe, wandered off into the distance and was not heard from again, thus making the eldest son to be shaman of the tribe; being the brother of my adopted nephew (who was the younger son) makes him my other nephew, as far as I’m concerned - at least, that’s how we treat him at family gatherings).

My other relatives are even stranger. This is not to brag; it is simply to let you know that you do not have the market on weird relatives cornered - by a long shot. :wink:

PS: I have very few relatives that I would even dare invite to Mass, let alone be disappointed that they didn’t show. Again, I think you’re lucky. :wink:


It might be time to give up any expectation that your dad is ever going to be the dad that you had hoped he would be, and just focus on being the best dad you can be. I’m sure you are already doing that, but just thought I would remind you that you are doing all that you can do. Sometimes there are things that you just can’t do much about except be patient.


It might be time to give up any expectation that your dad is ever going to be the dad that you had hoped he would be, and just focus on being the best dad you can be. I’m sure you are already doing that, but just thought I would remind you that you are doing all that you can do.

I gave up on him as a “Dad” nearly 30 years ago! Our own differences aside, I’d hoped that he’d put them aside and be the Grandpa to my kids as his own father was… (that died when I was 6).
It’s been time for about 12 years…but I won’t give it up. Self-admittedly I’ve used my children as a tool to get to know my father. “If not for me, what about your grandkids”… This man has made NO effort to involve himself in the appreciation and love of his own child’s offspring.

He’s got his own agenda. But it hurts me, and my family when I’ve got to explain his idiocy to my kids… and why they cannot enjoy the same pleasures and relationships as their friends with their grandparents.


That does have to hurt. My own dad died just before I turned 12, and that is one thing that I always think about…how proud he would be of his grandkids. I think it would feel even worse for him to be around and just be disinterested. Not trying to rub it in or anythin, but just saying…you are right, it sucks. I’m sorry it is this way for you, but you can count on my prayers for you and your family.


Jay…from someone who has been there, done that… Forgive him, he doesn’t know how to be a dad or a grandad. Trust me, the one thing I have learned about forgiving others is that is is more for you than for them. Look at it this way, here you are all upset and twisted inside and the man you are mad at is going about his merry way… Who is is hurting more? YOU ARE! Forgive him because he is the one missing out on his beautiful grandchildren’s lives! Not to minimize your pain…but my own mother almost didn’t come to my wedding because her dog had been sick and she didn’t want to board her. My sister had to guilt her into coming. Some parents are just like that. My kids had to get used to it, but they survived. Just concentrate on being the best dad you can and show those kids how to be good parents someday too.


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