Daughter's friend


#1

My wife and I just found out that my 18-year-old daughter is hanging around with a male from work who is a self-proclaimed bi-sexual. My wife and I are quite concerned about this for several reasons. We can not demand that she stop hanging around with him since she is 18. However, she lives in our home and we do insist that those under our roof abide by our rules. We have seven children and she has three younger sisters who are observing this whole situation.

We are concerned for her safety as well as her moral compass because we do not know who else may meet up with them at various places such as the mall, etc. If she were actively trying to persuade him that his lifestyle is wrong in the eyes of God then we would feel better about their relationship. However, she fails to realize that his scandalous behavior can spill into real danger for her as well.

Has anyone else been up against a situation like this who can offer some advice?


#2

Have you talked to her about it at all? Kind of like, “we know we can’t force you to stop being friends with this person or consult him on his immoral lifestyle, but we ask you to please be mindful of the effect it could have on your younger siblings.” (well, maybe in a less formal way than that, but you know what I mean)

And remind her that it isn’t good to just “ignore” such things. I have a friend that proclaims he is bi. Well, he is a friend of a friend that is out with us often. I’m 22 and married, and my parents don’t really like the idea, lol. So I understand where you’re coming from. He knows my stance on the issue, that I don’t encourage him in his behavior and that if he’s ever ready for help as far as his spiritual life goes, he can ask me about it. I doubt he ever will, but…at least he knows it’s not something I approve of in the least, but I will still treat him like a fellow human being and child of God. Maybe encourage your daughter something similar along those lines. It’s important for her to keep in mind her “moral compass” to borrow your term. Especially at her age. Being 18 is a crazy time.


#3

I don’t know, to me saying he is bi-sexual is totally different than saying he is a homosexual. At least if he were a homosexual, I would have compassion for what he was dealing with, but to proclaim oneself as being bi-sexual seems to be pretty much the same as declaring oneself sexually promiscuous.

I can see why you are concerned. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice. My oldest is 14 and I am still working on how much freedom to give her. So far her close friends really haven’t been a problem. Some of the less close friends have had issues we have discussed, and thus far she has been pretty willing to openly discuss those things with me.


#4

Yes, both my wife and I have spoken with her about this and voiced our concerns. We are concerned for her spiritual well being as well as her physical well being. I have no idea who his friends are and who he might invite along when they get together. And I agree - proclaiming oneself as bi-sexual says “I am just about sex and don’t care who it’s with”. I, too, can feel more compassion for a homosexual who is confused about their orientation. But someone who claims to be “bi” is just downright immoral in their perception of sexuality.

My wife and I are very comfortable with our daughter’s moral stability. However, she is putting herself unnecessarily at risk. Unless her goal is to assist him out of this lifestyle and on the path to godliness I see no valid reason for being friends with him. And, again, I worry about her physical well being not knowing who else is tagging along. It happens all too often that these situations are heard on the news after a tragedy has happened.


#5

I’m afraid I don’t understand your references to “physical danger.”

Obviously, if the “bisexual” friend is sexually active, and engages in sexual activity with your daughter, there is the risk of STDs, including AIDS.

But if we assume that your daughter’s moral grounding is adequate, and that she’s not sleeping with this guy – what is the “physical danger” you worry about? You make it sound like he’s a gang member or something…


#6

My concern is that not knowing that lifestyle or who engage in it, I am concerned that others who are involved could possibly harm my daughter - as witnessed on the news each day. I’m not an alarmist, nor am I naive. However, I am ignorant of the people who live this life. Once someone, anyone, engages in sinful sexual behavior it can spill into other areas of their lives as well. Who knows to what lengths someone who is wanting sex - regardless of gender - will do to get it?

I am sure, as any loving father can be, that my daughter is not sleeping with this guy nor interested in doing so. But I do worry about things like rape, etc.

I hope this clarifies my concern.


#7

Bi-sexual doesn’t mean you’re sexually promiscuous. It just means you find both genders sexually appealing. From the Church’s perspective, a bi young man could find a nice girl, have a marriage and if he were faithful to her then he would have committed no sin.

Bi doesn’t mean you have to sleep with both genders, it just means both genders appeal.

Pax,
Amy


#8

What if the bi individual is very “proud” of his leanings? I understaand that temptation in and of itself is never a sin - only acting upon it. I am concerned about the culture of this type person - as I said, I am totally ignorant of this lifestyle and I am concerned about how my daughter can be affected by it.

I do not condemn him. I am praying for him. However, is it wrong to be concerned about something like this when my daughter, or anyone else’s child, is involved?


#9

[quote=Paceshock]My concern is that not knowing that lifestyle or who engage in it, I am concerned that others who are involved could possibly harm my daughter - as witnessed on the news each day. I’m not an alarmist, nor am I naive. However, I am ignorant of the people who live this life. Once someone, anyone, engages in sinful sexual behavior it can spill into other areas of their lives as well. Who knows to what lengths someone who is wanting sex - regardless of gender - will do to get it?

I am sure, as any loving father can be, that my daughter is not sleeping with this guy nor interested in doing so. But I do worry about things like rape, etc.

I hope this clarifies my concern.
[/quote]

I see.

Given this, you should be worried about anybody your daughter associates with. I don’t think there’s much basis for assuming that people who “engage in sinful sexual behavior” are more prone to violence than people who don’t.

I beg to differ with your comment above, “…as witnessed on the news each day. I’m not an alarmist…” It seems to me that if you are projecting what you see on the news as general behavior in the population, you are being alarmist. The fact is that the news programs deliberately seek out the most garish, salacious stuff they can find – and they make bad behaviors seem a lot more common than they really are. The incidence of most kinds of violent crime in America is in decline – but you’ll never learn this from the TV news.

What you have expressed seems to me an awful lot like just basic prejudice; e.g., “People who engage in sinful sexual behavior are bad; bad people do bad things.” Life’s not so simple. People who outwardly seem to be moral paragons are capable of horrible things (see sexual abuse by priests…); people who have specific obvious flaws (like sinful sexual behavior) can nonetheless be completely trustworthy and gentle souls.

The only way to put your mind at ease about your daughter’s association with this guy – or any guy! – is to get to know him, to find out what his values are, what makes him tick. You cannot do this if you assume, because of his stated “bisexuality,” that you already know about his values. You cannot do this if you refuse to associate with him.

On one level, I completely sympathize with you – no guy is ever good enough for your daughter, or ever to be trusted (my daughter is 21!). But realistically, you have to let your daughter make that judgment; you have to trust in her good judgment, which is animated by the values you have instilled in her. It may not be easy…but it’s her life, not yours. You have to let her live it.


#10

Is your daughter still attending Mass? Are you all, as a family, praying together? If your daughter is living with you then you could have her still participating in your family prayer life.

Part of that prayer life could be actively praying for this young person. It is considered, by so many young people today, quite fashionable to proclaim themselves as bi-sexual without really knowing what that means.

I agree you have reason to be concerned in terms of her physical safety. Many times these types of wild lifestyles include the use of drugs. In particular, the use of meth is prevelant among those people who are actively engaging in unsafe, promiscuous sex and that can be dangerous.

On the other hand, if this youngster is simply ‘showing off’ then I think including him in your nightly family prayers will teach all your children that the Catechism is correct…and that it is through prayer that Catholic Christians practice love and compassion for those who suffer from this type of sexual disorder.


#11

I’m not really sure why, but it’s sort of become ‘cool’ for teens to say they’re bi. Some might legitimately be that way, in which case I dont just see why you wouldnt be straight, itd make your life a lot less complicated. But sometimes people who are really desperate for attention, usually the type who feel the need to dye their hair pink or dress in chains (again, i know some people just do this as a style choice, but a lot of people are just desperate to be ‘unique’), say they’re bi to stand out or something. I don’t really understand it, but it could be a phase.


#12

Thank you for all rsponses. I will attempt to address most if not all. I have known people who have said “I never thought that could happen to me… You only see that on the news.” Then tragedy strikes because their guard is down. I have let go and it’s not always easy but it is a reality of parenting. I have a 27-year-old son who lives away from home, a 25-year-old married daughter, a 22-year-old daughter in Virginia (we reside in PA) and four more daughters still at home. Letting go is not an issue. I trust my daughters. They’ve had a solid, Catholic upbringing. I don’t trust those who engage in abhorent behavior who may, or may not, wish to drag any one of my children along with them. Parental concern, if reasonable, is not alarmist. It is, in my opinion, loving. I think letting down one’s guard opens up the possibilty of disaster striking.

Yes, she attends Mass and I read from the Bible each night after dinner and we recite the Rosary each Wednesday as a family. We are strong pro-lifers who will be Marching For Life in our nation’s capital tomorrow. We are praying for this misguided soul and will continue to do so.

It’s sad that anyone would feel the need to be so different just to get attention. I hope that’s the situation here and this poor kid is only craving attention.


#13

[quote=Paceshock]What if the bi individual is very “proud” of his leanings? I understaand that temptation in and of itself is never a sin - only acting upon it. I am concerned about the culture of this type person - as I said, I am totally ignorant of this lifestyle and I am concerned about how my daughter can be affected by it.

I do not condemn him. I am praying for him. However, is it wrong to be concerned about something like this when my daughter, or anyone else’s child, is involved?
[/quote]

Ok first off because this person says he is “BI” dont mean any extra danger for anyone around him.

2nd the Term “BI” seems to be the IN thing with youth nowadays.
he may very well be saying this to think he is fitting in.

I am a part time Martial arts Instructor so i am around our youth a lot, and I would venture to say that about 70% of 13 to 20 yr olds are claiming they are “BI” I dont know why they think its so "IN"
and a few of my students whom are claiming this are still Virgins.
so your concerns about things in general as being dangerous although “real” in LIFE are not elevated by this one person.

                         John

#14

[quote=Paceshock]Thank you for all rsponses. I will attempt to address most if not all. I have known people who have said “I never thought that could happen to me… You only see that on the news.” Then tragedy strikes because their guard is down. I have let go and it’s not always easy but it is a reality of parenting. I have a 27-year-old son who lives away from home, a 25-year-old married daughter, a 22-year-old daughter in Virginia (we reside in PA) and four more daughters still at home. Letting go is not an issue. I trust my daughters. They’ve had a solid, Catholic upbringing. I don’t trust those who engage in abhorent behavior who may, or may not, wish to drag any one of my children along with them. Parental concern, if reasonable, is not alarmist. It is, in my opinion, loving. I think letting down one’s guard opens up the possibilty of disaster striking.

Yes, she attends Mass and I read from the Bible each night after dinner and we recite the Rosary each Wednesday as a family. We are strong pro-lifers who will be Marching For Life in our nation’s capital tomorrow. We are praying for this misguided soul and will continue to do so.

It’s sad that anyone would feel the need to be so different just to get attention. I hope that’s the situation here and this poor kid is only craving attention.
[/quote]

Well, it sounds as though morally she’s all set so you don’t need to worry about that, and I doubt that she would be in any more danger physically than she would around straight people…so I don’t think you have cause to worry *too *much - keep an eye on the situation and her comings and goings like you normally would.

Obviously he is a very confused individual. Who knows his reasons for labeling himself bisexual. I guess prayer is the best advice in that situation. ( which you’re already doing.) God Bless…:slight_smile:


#15

It is both comforting and disconcerting to hear that it is “in” to lable oneself as “Bi-Sexual”. What kind of a world do we live in that thinks it’s cool to be that different?

As an aside, I listen to talk radio most days when in my car. Dennis Prager is an Orthodox Jewish talk show host with a syndicated program. About a week ago he was lamenting that society would prefer that our children are crrupt and immoral rather than smokers. He’s right. Look at all the ads condeming smoking and yet our society says to hand out condoms. Don’t drink, it’s bad for you. Take this pill for your STD…, etc., etc.

Our world is turned upsdie down and it is quite difficult raising kids in today’s world. BUT, God does provide us with the tools - prayer, Eucharist and His love. We only need to heed his advice from Scripture.

Thanks to ALL who have offered their advice and prayers. I am truly grateful.


#16

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