Daughters marriage


#1

Well she did it! My 20 yo daughter just married a guy she doesn't really know that well. :mad:

They have talked "on line" for a year and a half but he's been stationed in Afghanistan and she is here in the states. She moved out after calling the police on me (for not allowing her to leave our house) and moved in with her sister and her husband....then in with the boys family when he came home to the states 2 weeks ago.

This weekend she married the guy (a catholic) in his stepdads girlfriends back yard. My son told me about it after he got a phone call to "come to our wedding" the night before. One son attended with the intent to try to talk her out of it...my other son and his wife declined to attend. We (her parents) were not invited (nor would I have gone but hubby probable would have as it's his baby girl). Her sister gave her away in this charade of a wedding? Needless to say we are crushed and very heartbroken.

I guess I should be happy that they are at least "legally" married as she can get his benifits (insurance etc...) but we are very upset that they chose to marry the way they did and without any consideration of her family and our feelings. They are set to move to Georgia sometime in the next two weeks.

Don't know what I'm really asking for here other than to vent a bit...but if you could keep us all in prayers I'd be very thankful!

On the bright side...if there is one...when they get divorced the annulment will be easy and...I didn't get stuck with the huge wedding bill....SIGH..........:(


#2

I am so sorry for your pain. I would be crushed also!!!

Do you doubt their being madly in love?

Also I’m curious why you say the annulment will be easy? If it’s valid now it will be considered such after a potential divorce, right?


#3

She "says" she loves him....but a relationship based on long distance IM chatting does not a relationship make. They have only been in each others physical presence for a total of 6 weeks..broken up by his 3 deployments. That and he comes from a family which has many divorces in it. Marriage is not taken seriously on his side as his mother was married 3 times...his stepdad is now with a woman he wants to marry (waiting for the divorce to go through) Aunt has been married 7 years and is now divorcing and the list goes on and on. On our side..only my Niece has been divorced (she is not catholic) and it was an abusive situation. Everyone else is 20+ years and counting.

I say the annulment will be easy as both kids are Catholic but got married by a JP in the back yard of his stepfathers girlfriends house...not in a church and not with a priest. They are legally married as far as the state is concerned and as far as the Army is concerned so she now has his medical benefits and they can get housing on base.... but since it is not a valid marriage in the eyes of the church the annulment will be easier than had they been married by a priest in the church. Our family does not think this one will last as they have not spent hardly any time together and they do not really know each other. Plus the personalities will eventually clash as she is very dominant and I can only see him putting up with it for a short period of time before he pushes back and she is not going to like being told what to do. She never has.


#4

[quote="CopyKat, post:2, topic:239782"]
I am so sorry for your pain. I would be crushed also!!!

Do you doubt their being madly in love?

Also I'm curious why you say the annulment will be easy? If it's valid now it will be considered such after a potential divorce, right?

[/quote]

It sounds as if the marriage is civilly legal, but invalid in the eyes of the Church as they were not married according to the laws of the Church.

To the OP--I understand your feelings--my son eloped and got married by a JP and I found out about it after the fact, when they called. I was heartbroken. But it has been around 11 or 12 years now and they are very happy together still. I just accepted it, and treat my DIL as a family member, and pray for their conversion. There is nothing else to be done--they are adults. It is important to keep family unity.


#5

This is just so sad... and she's so young, too. You're right, IM chatting does not a relationship make! The deck is stacked against them for sure. It would be a great start for them to work on having their marriage brought right in the eyes of the church.

I don't want to scare you or anything but the church will see their marriage as valid. They wont recognize it as sacramental, but unless either of them were unable to enter a valid contract (like being underage or something) then the marriage is valid. I learned this the hard way, trust me.

I will pray for you and your daughter's marriage..

God Bless!


#6

[quote="CopyKat, post:5, topic:239782"]

I don't want to scare you or anything but the church will see their marriage as valid. They wont recognize it as sacramental, but unless either of them were unable to enter a valid contract (like being underage or something) then the marriage is valid. I learned this the hard way, trust me.
.

[/quote]

As Catholics they were bound by the Church's rules on marriage. Since they didn't get married "in the Church" their marriage is invalid and they may not present themselves for the sacraments until they regularize their situation. (confession followed either by a convalidation or living like "brother and sister.")


#7

[quote="Debbie58, post:1, topic:239782"]
On the bright side...if there is one...when they get divorced the annulment will be easy and...I didn't get stuck with the huge wedding bill....SIGH..........

[/quote]

start taking notes now so you will be able to be a witness for her annulment
sorry I don't mean to be flippant, it is so disheartening to wade through those years when your kids throw it all in your face. The best you can do is hope they make it to maturity without taking a step like this. Please be there for her when she does finally admit she needs you.


#8

[quote="puzzleannie, post:7, topic:239782"]
start taking notes now so you will be able to be a witness for her annulment
sorry I don't mean to be flippant, it is so disheartening to wade through those years when your kids throw it all in your face. The best you can do is hope they make it to maturity without taking a step like this. Please be there for her when she does finally admit she needs you.

[/quote]

I stand corrected. I feel for the mom in this situation. :(


#9

Wow, I'm sad you're having to go through all this. :( You posted about how you were afraid this would happen a couple of months ago, right?

I agree the odds are stacked heavily against them, but there's no guarantee it won't work out in the end. I have a cousin who dropped out of college after 8 weeks to marry a soldier she met there, and they've been happily married for 8 years and have two kids. I also have a friend who ran off to Vegas to marry a woman he had only known for a month, and they've been happily married for nearly 7 years and have a son. Our friends were about to organize an intervention because they thought his wife was an awful person and a terrible match when he suddenly eloped. Now everyone loves her, though!

I really hope they defy the odds and end up being a success story and not a disaster. But as someone pointed out, they're adults so there's really nothing you can do, or at least nothing that won't further alienate her from you and any future grandkids. :(


#10

Charlotte........First of all congrats on your little miracle baby girl. May she continue to grow up healthy and strong.

Yes I did ask for prayers back in late March for this matter. Her older sister and her husband encouraged this and her sister even threw it in our face by "giving the Bride away"...and the day before Mothers Day to boot. My youngest has been very defiant this last year. Part of it I blame on her friends many of whom got pregnant in high school or shortly afterwards and some ran off and got married (some have already divorced) and she sees nothing wrong with any of it. Then she throws my Sister In Law up to us as she married her husband only knowing him for 4 weeks..and she was just shy of 20 years old at the time. They have been married 33 years this week.

I know people can make it despite the odds and I do pray at some point she will talk to her father and I again and have the marriage "Blessed" by the church. It's been very hard the last several weeks....but with prayer we are making it through. I'm so disappointed in both my girls. They are in rebellion against their father and I for reasons I do not fathom. My sons are great! I have had no problems with them, and they too are at a loss for what is happening with the sisters.

I just ask for your continued prayers for us. THANK YOU!


#11

Hi! I'm new here.


#12

[quote="puzzleannie, post:7, topic:239782"]
start taking notes now so you will be able to be a witness for her annulment
sorry I don't mean to be flippant, it is so disheartening to wade through those years when your kids throw it all in your face. The best you can do is hope they make it to maturity without taking a step like this. Please be there for her when she does finally admit she needs you.

[/quote]

She'll hardly need witnesses, all she'll need is proof of where the marriage took place and a baptismal certificate with no notation of a marriage.


#13

We are in an age where young women are extremely insecure about themselves and their futures. Particularly if a young woman does not have a "career" (whatever that might mean), she may throw herself at a guy in order to validate herself as an adult, to speed-up the natural separation from her family of origin, and to become a mother legitimately. Some young women fear that after a certain point, their marriage prospects diminish and they might never marry or legitimately have children. The devil is very successful in creating despair among our youth. In the short run, being a soldier's wife gives a young woman a fair amount of security and being married means that her role in life is rather set (or so she believes).

May God bless our youth who are growing up in this corrosive culture. They are battling a monster and sadly, we can expect to see them wounded. Debbie, it is not too late to make this situation better. If you have not sent a wedding gift, it might be a good thing to do. Even a beautiful family Bible (you know, the large ones with a place for recording information), blessed by her favorite priest would be a wonderful gift. Send them lovely rosaries-crystal gem beads for your daughter and black beads for your new son-in-law. Give them a good crucifix to hang in their new home. Buy your daughter a cook book or some kitchen things. This would mean something to her.

What is important at this point is getting over your anger and grief over this outcome. These are important feelings that should not be denied, but will be stumbling blocks in your relationship with your daughter and her husband if you keep talking about yourself and your feelings or your husband's feelings. Keep the lines of communication open, don't retreat out of her life. Look for God's hand in all of this and you will find it. He will help you carry this heavy cross.


#14

First off, Congrats to the newlyweds!!! I hope that someday they have their marriage blessed by the Church.

 The single best married couple I've ever been blessed to know met when he picked her up hitchhiking, they got married 4 days later.  That was 60 years ago.  They've raised a wonderful family and led about as full a life together as could be immagined.  

OP, you can’t tell a 20 year old that they are not allowed to leave your house. No matter what she’s doing, the time to set boundaries and lead by example has come and gone by that point, you must stand back and let her do as she will. Give your oppinion if you think she’s making a dangerous choice, but then back off, keep your thoughts to yourself and let her be an adult. Instead of being thankful that an annulment will be easy, pray that the Lord blesses their union and that they have a wonderful marriage that stands the test of time, and that they come back to the Church one day.


#15

[quote="micahmike, post:14, topic:239782"]
First off, Congrats to the newlyweds!!!! I hope that someday they have their marriage blessed by the Church.

 The single best married couple I've ever been blessed to know met when he picked her up hitchhiking, they got married 4 days later.  That was 60 years ago.  They've raised a wonderful family and led about as full a life together as could be immagined.  

OP, you can't tell a 20 year old that they are not allowed to leave your house. No matter what she's doing, the time to set boundaries and lead by example has come and gone by that point, you must stand back and let her do as she will. Give your oppinion if you think she's making a dangerous choice, but then back off, keep your thoughts to yourself and let her be an adult. Instead of being thankful that an annulment will be easy, pray that the Lord blesses their union and that they have a wonderful marriage that stands the test of time, and that they come back to the Church one day.

[/quote]

Blessed be the peacemakers.

This is probably the biggest point that I saw here. I wasn't there, but it sounds like there was quite a lack of communication. Yes, this is your child, but she's an adult woman now and has the right (if not yet the experience) to make her own decisions. If it reached the point where she had to call the police, I'd say you may want to focus a bit more on your relationship with her instead of your daughter's relationship with her husband.

I was saddened to see that your relationship had suffered like this. While I do not approve of any kind of "marriage" without a priest, I think I can understand how they might feel rushed "Let's just get married, then we can worry about everything else". All of the hurt feelings and hasty decisions are going to take time to heal and their marriage is going to need prayer and sanctification. While you can pray for them, it sounds to me that you are hoping their relationship falls appart instead of becoming a healthy, healed merging of your two families. Only God will heal this rift.

Being a deployed soldier, I'll admit that I may not be the most unbiased person in this forum. I have seen my share (and experienced one or two) internet relationships. Their rate of success doesn't seem to be any different than people who meet say, at bars, or the library or even church functions. They do take more work to begin with, but the couple tends to expect that early adjustment period instead of being unprepared.


#16

[quote="CB_Catholic, post:4, topic:239782"]
It sounds as if the marriage is civilly legal, but invalid in the eyes of the Church as they were not married according to the laws of the Church.

To the OP--I understand your feelings--my son eloped and got married by a JP and I found out about it after the fact, when they called. I was heartbroken. But it has been around 11 or 12 years now and they are very happy together still. I just accepted it, and treat my DIL as a family member, and pray for their conversion. There is nothing else to be done--they are adults. It is important to keep family unity.

[/quote]

Although my parents had known each other for a couple of years, they also eloped. One year later, to the day, they were married in the Catholic Church. Today, they have been married for 47 years.

Another couple I know, knew each other for three DAYS, got married. He lived in the US, she overseas. After the wedding, they came back to the US. I don't know how many years they have been married, but they have seven children, the oldest is a Junior in high school.

When your children are grown, you have to trust that you did the best you could; that you taught them what they needed to know. You have to trust that they are ready to be an adult.


#17

Praying for you and your family.

Have peace and God bless you and your family.

jesus g


#18

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