dead father


#1

Is there anyone else here who could care less about a dead parent.
I lost my father like 7 years ago at the age of 26, he was 58.
I’m pretty happy the pot smoking drunk isn’t in my life anymore. After years of misguidance ,and lies, about living life and bad career advice.
I talked to the priest a few times, about it in confession, but he didn’t have much to say.


#2

I don’t have your experience.

I will just say that you are not required to like or admire a parent. It would be normal to feel relief when a parent who made your life difficult is gone.

But the commandment is to honor your father. For your father perhaps the best way to honor him is to say the least about him.


#3

First off, props for the Bruce Campbell quote. :slight_smile:

But as to your posting, I am unsure what you are looking for or what you are asking. If you are looking for validation that it is ok to dislike a parent, then be assured that it is understandable. Honoring your mother and father does not necessarily equal liking them or appreciating what they have done (or not done) for your life. Parents are just people too.

I am sorry for the relationship you have had with your father. Although it may seem trite, I do pray that you embrace the relationship that God the Father offers to you. I pray that you embrace it as fully and openly as you can! We’re talking about a Father who loves you more than anyone or anything on this Earth is even capable of. That’s some pretty awesome stuff.


#4

To add to the poster above, you can honor the parent by being the best person you can be, even if that’s in opposition to what they taught you. If they taught lies and betrayal, tell the truth and be honorable. Take whatever good lessons they taught (if any) and follow those.

You can pray for his soul, give encouragement to others who have similar problems and do your best to undo any damage the person caused in your life.

There are plenty of examples in the Bible about evildoers and “the wicked.” Proverbs is a good place to look.

When the righteous prosper, the city rejoices; when the wicked perish, there are shouts of joy. Proverbs 11:10


#5

What made you post about your dad today? Since he died 7 yrs ago.
What’s on your mind?


#6

Everyone reacts differently when a parent dies. I had a friend who had an abusive tyrant for a father. She left home as soon as she graduated from high school just to get away from him and for years refused to be in the same room with him. It was so bad she wouldn’t even to have him at her wedding. Yet when he died she went to pieces and grieved for months. :shrug:

In the end, though, it doesn’t really matter how any else here reacted to the death of a parent because none of us had your dad for a father. What’s important is your ability to achieve some kind of peace with him, his behavior, and his death. If that means you’re relieved he can no longer wreck havoc in your life, pray that he achieves some kind of peace in the hereafter he couldn’t seem to find here.

Luna


#7

Because I am facing many trials right now , as a result of him being in my life, and its just been building up. As a result of these things; The only place I feel peace is at the LDS church. Not at Mass; I’m trying to really get some peace in my life and to not loose faith in God. . But I’m stuck idling in one place and finding myself more resentful then ever.


#8

I had an alcoholic parent and know what resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness can do to your insides and to the people around you. Christ will walk with you through your struggles. Keep going to the sacraments and hope for better tomorrows.


#9

She may have been grieving because now there was no chance of ever having the father she hoped for. I think that’s why I grieved so when my mother died.


#10

Having had a bad parent, I can emphathize with your plight. My best advice is to get some professional help. Harboring such resentment for so long only hurts you. It does not affect your father who is dead. Work thru this with a counselor. It will help a lot. God bless you.


#11

As someone who has always considered my stepdad my real dad, I sympathise with your resentment, struggle, and relief over your father’s death. In my opinion, there’s no reason to shy away from telling the truth: your father failed in his responsibility and he made your life miserable. As believers, we know that God’s justice will account for every unpunished bad deed.

At the same time, and I know you’ll hate hearing it, he was your blood and responsible for your existence. It’s one thing to say he was an alcoholic who abused drugs; he’s another thing to call him “the pot smoking drunk.” Speak badly of him, even in death, and you insult yourself and perhaps even purposes God intents for your life. After all, even bad parents may be in our lives for a reason.

While I’m not suggesting that you think fondly of him or even miss him, I do suggest working towards minimising your resentment and maybe full forgiveness. For the sake of your own peace of mind. I started with prayer. I always pray for people before bed, including a few I don’t like – perhaps you could do the same for your father?

If you can’t bring yourself to pray for his soul, you could make other people do it – start a thread in the petitions forum, or dedicate a mass to him and donate to your parish for this service.

And if you can’t do that, try to speak more neutrally about him – but do speak about your relationship him. You don’t want another seven years to go by harbouring the same burden. Is there anyone in your family to whom you can speak honestly? Are there any other older males you can talk to – uncles, older cousins, neighbours? It would do you good to seek support from them (especially the latter).

God bless you.


#12

You know what they say…Resentment is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person dies.

I am sorry you feel peace in the LDS church and not Mass. Jesus is at Mass, not in the LDS church.


#13

Thank you so much for posting. Given the little information in your post, I am left making a lot of assumptions so correct me if I am wrong.

And yes, it is very normal to not care. However I would word it more as I accept my dad is dead and I have no desire to waste energy wishing he was still around.

I don’t know what your trials are and respect if you want to keep them private. However, I will assume (yes it is a big assumption) there are times when you talk about what your dad did to you some well meaning do-gooder who has read too many psychology books lays guilt trips on you saying ‘you need to grieve the loss of your dad’. Well… maybe you need to process some of the things he did to you but perhaps his dying is not one of them.

Society makes us think after we loose someone we need to break down in tears every time someone mentiones them. Like a woman who has lost a baby is suppose to break down in tears everytime someone else has a kid. No one believes you can genuinly be happy at others fortune.

I loss my dad almost a year ago. And honestly, there is a BIG joy. I managed to see how merciful God was to everyone. God spared my dad a lot of suffering, He put the people I needed in my life at the time.

I too had issues with my dad. It got better once I was in my late 20s and then starting going down hill again in my late 30s but still an OK relationship. And now that my dad is gone, the need for me to ‘win the fight’ is over. I always use to think ‘he owes me an apology’ and ‘he owes me this that and the other thing’. And from the moment I found out he died, all that is water under the bridge. It is what it is and there is no more struggle to change it.

Sadly, it probably will take you a while to find peace in your heart over the past. But don’t ask us ‘is it normal to not care my dad is dead’ ask God ‘what is in my heart I need to hand over to You’

CM


#14

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